it has worked out that i have some time in front of me to use as i wish. some hours, at least.
so, why is it that when i have the time, i have no inspiration? or can’t i just seem to get into the groove? ugh. i’m frustrated with myself & my utter lack of discipline. if i set goals, i blow them. if i plan to do something, i get distracted doing something else. feels like right now i’m soaking inspiration in & putting nothing out. i’m all over the place. reading, reading, reading. exploring. finding. connecting. discovering. moving quickly from one thing to another. focused on what other people have said, done, written, thought. but, i’m not putting anything back out there. i’m not expressing myself anywhere. i’m not taking the time for myself… the time to be all by myself with my thoughts & my words. i’m not getting anything down on paper or out of me. is it supposed to be that way right now? could it be that this is exactly how it should be? do i need to soak in inspiration & just be patient? is there nothing inside of me worth sharing right now? am i truly lacking inspiration, or do i need a kick in the butt to simply get me started. heeeelllppp!
alright. gonna go with the latter and give myself a little tough love. i will sit here by my computer until i knock out a blog post that i promised myself i would do today. and then we’ll see where that leads… if i really want to be a writer full-time, then dammit, i need to write. and while i need to let the spirit move inside me, trusting that things will come out when they need to come out; i also need to discipline myself to write regularly. no movies. no tv. no reading. nothing, but me & my journal. or me & my keyboard clicking away. it’s a crazy, messed-up, difficult balancing act. and clearly, i am not balancing things successfully. (is balance going to be my eternal battle, being the libra that i am?)
- blanket. check.
- fresh pot of coffee. check.
- cat on my lap. check.
- relaxing music in the background. check.
the setting is perfect. here i go… time to write.
over & out. peace.