i only cry once in a blue moon – and that is totally ok

the energies all around me are intense right now. intense good + intense intense. know what i mean? let me explain a bit.

my emotions are running on high today. they are right on the surface and i could not keep them stuffed inside, even if i wanted to. i’ve been bursting shoulder-shaking into sobs i don’t know how many times throughout the day. tears just start streaming down my face and a lump remains in my throat. there is an heavy aching + emptiness in my soul. and waves of complete sadness just wash over me from head to toe every now and then. i feel exhausted. like i am lugging weights + chains around with me as i shuffle my feet everywhere i may go. which has not been far today. i am also tired.  i awoke at 4 am and noticed that it was a beautiful sunrise, so i spent some peaceful time with myself for about 2 hours before falling back into a deep sleep, only to have then that experience when you realize that you need to wake yourself up because you are having a horrible nightmare. and that’s all just been today.

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the 4am sunrise

mid-morning, my love + i walked with my brother to the train station to send him off as he heads back to the states today. this, of course, is a large source of my pain and anguish. my emptiness.

i’ve tried to process some things today, but i just can’t do it yet. however, i know that this melancholy, this  intense sadness, surfaces as such a strong emotion because there is much that is buried deeper, connected to it all. so, yes, my brother leaving is heart-wrenchingly painful. but, my intuition tells me that there is much, much more going on that stems from that. saying goodbye to my brother has just been the catalyst to set my emotions free. what it is, though, that is deep within me, i don’t really know. but, i feel it. and for right now, that is enough.

what i do know is that it has much to do with me living my truth, of me confronting my beliefs, my desires, my loves, my passions, my self, and how all of that is lived out in my life. 

it’s as if it’s all coming to a head now: will i step out and trust the shifts that are taking place, allowing myself to be launched out into a new, deeper, higher way of living? or will i sink back into the life that i have adjusted + adapted to? one that is wonderful, but does not let me live out my highest potential.

in the meantime, as my emotions have been building inside of me,  i haven’t been sleeping well. i’ve been moody, feeling filled with energy + totally lethargic as well. and, certainly, you understand now that my emotions have been seriously wacky today. there has been a release.

you know, it’s only once in a blue moon, though,  that i actually sob and let myself lose control of my emotions. but, i am going with it. because tonight we have a blue moon.

more importantly, it just feels right. i’m listening to my soul and letting my emotions just come leaking out of me. and it feels tough and exhausting, but cleansing at the same time. like i am preparing myself for something.

tonight is the second full moon in july. remember we had one back on july 1? it is this second full moon within one month that makes it a rare, powerful blue moon. and, aside from the obvious things that are making me feel sad (my brother leaving), this blue moon is, for me, happens to be on the day that my emotions have gotten the best of me.

no matter what, though, with the support of my loving wife by my side today, sharing her own tears with me, i know that i am in a safe place to just cry. and to allow myself to feel it today. to feel it all to the max. just to clarify, though, what i am feeling is not all sadness + emptiness, there are intensely high energy emotions as well. feelings of excitement + optimism, of unity + community, of love + complete overwhelmed joy. of anticipation + possibility. so, i’m just letting it all swirl around inside me.

because i know that my plethora of emotions are teaching me something. they are cleaning out my soul and giving me clarity about who i really am and who i want to be, of how to live my life in truth.

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so, lovely people, i have no idea how you are feeling today. but, if your emotions seem to be on overdrive, chalk it up to the full moon: the rare, beautiful, powerful blue moon, which just may be giving us, through our emotions, a new sense of awareness, a new calling, and setting us up for a completely new, challenging, intense path in life. let’s let our emotions fill us with the energy to boost us forward.

try to catch a glimpse of that big, mysterious moon tonight and let her light fill you + push you + comfort you. let yourself be guided right into that place where you need to be, which is exactly where you are.

onwards + upwards! xo

venus retrograde: six weeks to figure out what you love

night sky

something big is happening in the stars again.

back in the beginning of july i eluded to the fact that this month was lining up to be an intense, powerful, inspiring month. i like to call it the summer of love. (read what i said about it –> here).

we’ve made it through one full moon, one new moon, and we have another full moon ( a blue moon actually) waiting in the wings.

but, first, we have what an encounter with venus… you know the goddess of love, the planet closest to us, and boy will this encounter give us an interesting ride.

beginning today, 40 days of venus retrograde begins. (july 25 – september 6)

if you remember, retrograde is when, if you look up in the night sky, it appears that something is moving backwards across the sky. of course, it actually isn’t, but the illusion of it seems to stir up lots of crazy things + powerful opportunities.

back in the late spring, we experienced mercury retrograde, which made things feel all topsy turvy. well, venus retrograde isn’t going to make us feel so scattered + out of control as we were back in the spring, but it will give us an amazing, emotional, intense opportunity to reassess our life.

especially when it comes to love. (makes sense, huh? being the name of the goddess of love?)

when venus turns retrograde today, we are being asked to look at exactly what love means for each of us. i am talking about love of others in our life, self-love, and what we have prioritized in our life.

as kate says: over the next 40 days, “we will have two options: to hide in the shadows and miss the opportunity of a lifetime, or to go after what is inside of our hearts.  it’s not a question of if we will make a big jump—but a matter of when. and there is a push to literally look around and see what truly makes us happy.”

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venus is giving us a chance to realign our awareness on love, relationships, what we value and what we’re worth. it’s a mystical, magical and important period that doesn’t come around all that often. it’s a time to reflect on the inner value of your experiences rather than outer display.

it’s all up to us whether we want to take advantage of this time to reflect and realign and take stock on what + who is really important to us. those things that we are most passionate about, that we really truly love, and are advantageous to our lives by helping us to live our truth.

the venus retrograde period turns out to be the perfect time to focus on the quality of life over the desire for financial gain, in other words, we get to decide for oversells what’s more important. money, power, success, security… or an authentic life, love, peace, etc. it’s ok whatever we choose. the point is to slow down just long enough to really think about what we are giving our time + attention to, what we say we love, and see if those two things line up. we are given a chance to reassess our priorities, in our work and in the people that we invite into our lives,  focusing on our inner need for contentment and fulfillment and what/who really makes us happy.

either way, this retrograde period is tempting us to reconsider our approach to relationships of all kinds: what’s important to us? what (and who) do we want in our lives, and why? and more importantly, what we have to offer?

sunset sweden

venus retrograde is a time when we may be forced to re-examine what we consider “worth it.” if we use the next 6 weeks wisely, we will think about the activities, people and things in which we have invested our time, energy, commitment and money… and if what they are giving us are the rewards we thought we had bargained for. not monetarily, of course, but in relation being true to ourselves + following our bliss.

it’s all about continuing to realign ourselves to that path in life where we feel that we are living our truth, living the life that we were called to live. 

again, kate says this: “we have to trust all the lessons in letting go of what was no longer serving us. and we have to believe that we have learned a lot about how we want to authentically live our lives.

venus will be in retrograde until september 6th… so take a deep breath, because this retrograde will be anything but casual. it’s all about how deep we can go”

lots of love to you all… and happy venus retrograde!

onwards + upwards! xoxo

i’m feeling all emotional + courageous at the same time: this new moon is inteeense

right smack dab in the middle of july we find ourselves under a new moon and in-between two amazing full moons. the first full moon was july 1/2. the second full moon (a blue moon) is july 31. and today, the 15th/16th, we have a powerful, crazy new moon looming over us.

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photo from google images

of course, when there is a new moon, you can’t see the moon in the night sky. which is always weird, i think. it feels like darkness takes over. but, just as the winter solstice is the darkest time of the year, the minute that the winter solstice arrives, more light is added to our days every single day until the summer solstice.

so the darkness of a new moon is actually the deliverer of light. get my drift?

from today until july 31, the moon will become bigger, fuller, and brighter every single night. illuminating all that is around us.

and if we look at this physical world phenomenon from an inner, spiritual point of view, the new moon could be considered a spiritual illuminator. a time to see what has come to light in our souls. what truth’s we have discovered. and where we are now headed with that light + truth.

but we will only see the truth if we allow ourselves to feel what we feel, think about what we feel, think about how others make us feel… etc. this new moon is the perfect time to reflect. to take a good honest look.

however, seeing at what has been illuminated, facing the truth, is not always like finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, or discovering a soft puppy in a christmas package (not that either one of those things have ever happened to me). what i’m saying is that the truth can be tough to face.

feet-boots-grass-skeppsgarden

so, with this new moon, if we sit with ourselves, if we reflect on these truths in our lives that have come to light so far this year, we may just realize that there is some work to be done to align our lives with our souls. at least that bodes true for me.

i’ve read through some different astrological/spiritual articles, my favorite one to go to is always kate rose, and everything seems to be pointing out that this new moon, during this summer of love, is all about emotions, energy, healing, and intensity. appropriate, huh? sounds like something i want to avoid, to be honest with you. who needs drama + intensity + tough stuff (to be healed, one has to be hurt. am i right?) in the middle of a carefree summer?

still, this supposedly tough new moon brings to light some baggage that we may have been lugging around for a while, or some things that we need to leave behind. if you’re honest with yourself, don’t you have something that you just keep holding on to, that keeps getting in your way of living life to the fullest?! god knows i do.

you know, emotional scars, old wounds, fears, negative patterns. there’s just a bunch of old crap coming up to the surface to stare us in the face right now. question is, are we willing to stare back?

today, in the darkness of this new moon, we can turn inward, and  ponder those things. not easy, or fun. i know.

for me, i know what’s staring me in the face. i have got to stay dedicated to the path that i so desperately want, but i seem to keep sabotaging my own way by not fully committing. why i am doing this is simply because i don’t believe in myself enough. it’s just too much of a change, too much of a risk. but, i want it so badly. i know that i am meant for it. still, i’m scared.

i have done all the hard work of figuring out how i want to live out my purpose, or who i feel called to be and how i wish to live my life so that my soul is fulfilled, and in turn, so that i make a difference in the world. now, i just have to stick to going through the process of manifesting this vision. of making it reality.

but, as my love + i say: we hate processes.

getting there is the tough part that is facing me now. i want to be aware and then skip right to living out my dream. i wanna skip all of the hard work to get there. i know. i suck. but, i’m just being honest.

still, i can feel that it is time. there’s no denying it anymore. it’s time to release. time to let loose all of those feelings that we have deep within our hearts, all of those emotions that we keep locked up. they want to get out. they want us to be set free. and we want to express ourselves, we really do, even if we are scared because nothing else matters really except the truth within our souls.

skeppsgarden-view

i was out in the swedish nature + off the grid last week, and during one of our morning meditation gatherings at camp, my emotions just spilled out of me. must have been all that fresh air.

i don’t know if anyone saw me, or noticed anything, but tears just streamed down my face. i wasn’t sad, or overwhelmed, or overjoyed. i just welled up with emotion and i had to let it out. not exactly a comfortable thing to do. but, i went with it.

in that moment, i was thinking about who i am. what i do. and all the pressure i feel to tell people “what i do”. when i know that what i do, my job, my title, my salary, my security, all of these things, aren’t important. they don’t define me or anyone else. but, the pressure from society to be able to answer with something specific (not prestigious or highfaluting, just specific) got to me. i felt weak and bad about myself, unable to say that i am a social worker or a teacher or a nurse or a server at mcdonald’s or anything else.

i answered that i am a writer, writing a memoir, which i am and i am. but, somehow, i felt that others were judging me as flaky (which they most definitely weren’t). and who am i to even care what others think?! ugh. sometimes i get so irritated at myself when i know better. so, overcome with emotion,  i cried.

i know my truth. i know how i can give to this world, and in what ways, and it’s high freaking time that i embrace that. and dedicate myself to it. screw what others think. screw how scary the unknown is. since when have i made decisions based on the societal norm or been held captive by fear when doing something?

feet-water-me-skeppsgarden

but, that is what this new moon is for. to call us to stand face to face with ourselves, and to decide whether to push forward and follow our bliss (like, i mean, finally, really, really follow our bliss), or to fall in line with expectations (that old, ugly monster that rears its head in my life) and fears.

it is time to release these emotions and begin to manifest our truth. we cannot lie to ourselves anymore. we cannot pretend or cover up or try to beat around the bush. there is no settling. it’s like we are about to burst. and, this all may not be easy. this is the intensity. this is tough stuff. this is where the rubber hits the road. will we stay true to ourselves and what our heart and soul have so clearly told us is true? can we make it through the process and stay dedicated to who we are?

new moons are all about new beginnings, but this isn’t about something new this time. this is about something that we have been carrying with us for a while actually beginning to grow. this is about letting loose that which has been growing under the earth for a while. it may not be bursting out as a full-fledged flower just yet, but we are sowing and growing and taking care of seeds that have already been planted.

the time has come, and the universe is helping us help ourselves. there’s no turning back now. the truth has been incubating within us for a while, and we have spent the early part of this year discovering that truth perhaps. now that we know it, it’s time to sow it.

with this new moon, we are invited to look deep within, and to prepare ourselves to begin the process of breaking forth, of breaking ground, of truly beginning to live our truth and our calling.

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photo from nasa’s pluto mission website. (the new horizons spacecraft took this photo on tuesday + sent it back to earth. mind. blown.)

yesterday, new horizons, a spacecraft, sped past pluto way out in our solar system, taking photos + gathering data. reading news articles about it blew my freaking mind. new horizons was launched NINE years ago, and made it to pluto yesterday. but, it’s not just hanging out there. it’s barreling on further out into the solar system. it’s going beyond.

what began years ago, finally reached to its destination on tuesday, but it isn’t stopping there. new horizons is doing just what its name suggests… seeking out new horizons, flying past pluto, into the wild, unknown space to explore + discover even more.

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pluto and one of it’s moons.

we, too, have been preparing for our own new horizons for a long time. just think about it for a minute. what is it that your soul is telling you that you need to let go of in order to be free? well, just as the spacecraft passed pluto yesterday, we’ve reached our destination too. and now we are faced with the emotional, intense moment when we decide whether to keep going, or to stay where we are.  it’s our time to leap forth into the unknown. to blow past our expectations and seek new horizons in our own lives.

now is the time to go for it. to let our souls take over. and we can begin a whole new, deeper, wider,  more meaningful, more purposeful life. happy new moon!

onwards + upwards! xoxo

my own thoughts + reflections based on kate rose’s article. she’s my go to chick for all this universe stuff.