she may just be the most amazing person i have ever met. no. not may. she is.
last summer my love was in the hospital for just a few days shy of three months. it was a horrible time for her, and for me. i came close to losing her. but she fought her way home again and has been under the care of daily treatment ever since. there have been good days and bad days since then, but it’s a difficult thing to deal with, to heal from.
i haven’t written much about this part of her life, of my life, here because it’s really personal and private. and it’s up to my love to decide what she does and does not want to reveal about her life. i understand and support that 110%. in the meantime, i have been actively (gladly) participating in her treatment in the ways i can and should. but, here, on my blog. i’ve been silent.
tonight, as we sat on the bed, each engaged in our own things, i turned to see my love was into something intense on her computer, fingers clicking furiously with a few moments to stop & breathe every now and then. i hugged her a minute, and then let her be. i just felt that was what i should do. something was going on with her. she was working on something with great concentration and tons of emotion.
suddenly she said she had something she wanted to read to me. i moved my computer away, focused on her, and listened as she read me these words:
Posted on 2013/03/06
Sometimes I just click in to the website just to get that great, happy, and warm feeling inside of me. Every day I check the Facebook group I’m now part of, because I’m one of them. Every now and then I just have to grab the catalogue and read the detailed information I’ve already read several times. I’m also writing, through social media, to some of my soon to be class mates. How crazy is that? It’s all getting closer. My dream is about to come true. The dream of being in the States and studying. I can’t believe this is really happening. Liz and I are doing research about cars, checking out apartments (as much as we can from Sweden), talking about things we’re gonna move and things we are going to sell or throw away. I’m blown away of this opportunity in my life. In our lives. It all sounds so amazing. And it is.
But in the midst of all the moving preparations and fulfilling my dream, I’m actually living a life that’s pretty tough right now. People don’t see it completely because I’m working hard to not show it, or not to put myself in to situations where I can’t handle everything good or ok. I’m getting pretty personal now, but I guess it’s ok, even though it’s a bit scary. Many people don’t see the everyday life I’m living, they just see a few glimpses. Everyday is a fight, and some days it’s just really hard to fight those fights. Not only one time, but several times per day. Plural. Something that’s natural for many, has become so hard for me for some reasons. The professionals are telling me that I have to stop thinking, just do it, and repeat it over and over and over again. Once it’s over, just leave it behind and focus on the future. Future as the next hour, not months or years ahead. Easier said than done. I’m not really good at that, but at least I’ve heard what the professionals have said, and one day I might follow through with it completely.
I’ve never mentioned that much why I spent some months in the hospital, why I’m not working right now, and what kind of treatment I’m doing. I think it’s too private to get into details (and I don’t want this blog to be all about that either, as I’ve said before), but I also have a hard time understanding it all completely myself. I’ve talked with my main therapist a few times this week about this. She mentions the word acceptance pretty often and one of my issues is to accept my life situation or issues. In order to get well, I’ll have to know that I’m not well, which has been the hardest part from my side. I haven’t accepted everything. I read my diagnosis on the piece of paper that the doctor has signed, and I can’t get it in to my mind. I can’t fill in forms where I need to write that word/name/diagnosis. I can’t say it out loud. I’ve tried. Why is this so hard? I guess because I’m scared? But why? What am I scared of? I know I need to change my life, because if I continue I’ll die. For real. I was close once, but the professionals, and Liz, saved my life. It is time for a change, for real. I’ve been writing some about hope, get better, sickness, and to live life. But…I haven’t really said this before. Ever.
I’m sick. I have an eating disorder and it’s called Anorexia Nervosa.
That was hard. But, it’s ok. Feelings and emotions are good, it’s how you face or handle them that can be good or bad for you. I have to recover (= get way better than I’m now, but no pressure to be “perfect”) in order to be able to fulfill my dream and so my dream will turn out as good as possible. I’m gonna work hard. I’m gonna try to just focus on my main therapist’s words, not the other side. I’m, for once, gonna let her take part of me and my deep, deep inner thoughts, so she can help me to help myself go against the other side, and start to live life completely. The other side is not gonna take over. I’m gonna be 100% Lina or first, I’m gonna find out who Lina is. To be honest, I haven’t let Lina be 100% Lina for many years. It’s about time to explore that with help from Liz, my therapist/(s), and others close to me.
One day I’m gonna be free.
unbelievable. tears streamed down my face. i could not believe this. and yet i have believed in her all along. and i always will.
this is why my wife is my inspiration. my muse. she amazes me. and i am so proud of her. the courage, bravery, and honesty she found within herself teaches me to never give up. to never stop fighting. to live life to the fullest, every single moment that i am given.
the most important thing to know is who we are, and that who we are right now is just fine. no matter what. but, that sense of having dreams and reaching for them, that is when we listen to our souls, or at least try to. that is the moment when we break the silence within ourselves and begin to discover the “me” that is inside. the me that is beautiful from the inside, out.
to all my dear readers, i encourage you click on over to my love’s blog. follow her. i promise you that her creativity, her words, her photos will inspire you. because she is completely amazing.