her words.

7 Mar 2013 culture + art

she may just be the most amazing person i have ever met. no. not may. she is.

last summer my love was in the hospital for just a few days shy of three months. it was a horrible time for her, and for me. i came close to losing her. but she fought her way home again and has been under the care of daily treatment ever since. there have been good days and bad days since then, but it’s a difficult thing to deal with, to heal from.

i haven’t written much about this part of her life, of my life, here because it’s really personal and private. and it’s up to my love to decide what she does and does not want to reveal about her life. i understand and support that 110%. in the meantime, i have been actively (gladly) participating in her treatment in the ways i can and should. but, here, on my blog. i’ve been silent.

tonight, as we sat on the bed, each engaged in our own things, i turned to see my love was into something intense on her computer, fingers clicking furiously with a few moments to stop & breathe every now and then. i hugged her a minute, and then let her be. i just felt that was what i should do. something was going on with her. she was working on something with great concentration and tons of emotion.

suddenly she said she had something she wanted to read to me. i moved my computer away, focused on her, and listened as she read me these words:

One day I’m gonna be free.

Posted on 2013/03/06

Sometimes I just click in to the website just to get that great, happy, and warm feeling inside of me. Every day I check the Facebook group I’m now part of, because I’m one of them. Every now and then I just have to grab the catalogue and read the detailed information I’ve already read several times. I’m also writing, through social media, to some of my soon to be class mates. How crazy is that? It’s all getting closer. My dream is about to come true. The dream of being in the States and studying. I can’t believe this is really happening. Liz and I are doing research about cars, checking out apartments (as much as we can from Sweden), talking about things we’re gonna move and things we are going to sell or throw away. I’m blown away of this opportunity in my life. In our lives. It all sounds so amazing. And it is.

But in the midst of all the moving preparations and fulfilling my dream, I’m actually living a life that’s pretty tough right now. People don’t see it completely because I’m working hard to not show it, or not to put myself in to situations where I can’t handle everything good or ok. I’m getting pretty personal now, but I guess it’s ok, even though it’s a bit scary. Many people don’t see the everyday life I’m living, they just see a few glimpses. Everyday is a fight, and some days it’s just really hard to fight those fights. Not only one time, but several times per day. Plural. Something that’s natural for many, has become so hard for me for some reasons. The professionals are telling me that I have to stop thinking, just do it, and repeat it over and over and over again. Once it’s over, just leave it behind and focus on the future. Future as the next hour, not months or years ahead. Easier said than done. I’m not really good at that, but at least I’ve heard what the professionals have said, and one day I might follow through with it completely.

I’ve never mentioned that much why I spent some months in the hospital, why I’m not working right now, and what kind of treatment I’m doing. I think it’s too private to get into details (and I don’t want this blog to be all about that either, as I’ve said before), but I also have a hard time understanding it all completely myself. I’ve talked with my main therapist a few times this week about this. She mentions the word acceptance pretty often and one of my issues is to accept my life situation or issues. In order to get well, I’ll have to know that I’m not well, which has been the hardest part from my side. I haven’t accepted everything. I read my diagnosis on the piece of paper that the doctor has signed, and I can’t get it in to my mind. I can’t fill in forms where I need to write that word/name/diagnosis. I can’t say it out loud. I’ve tried. Why is this so hard? I guess because I’m scared? But why? What am I scared of? I know I need to change my life, because if I continue I’ll die. For real. I was close once, but the professionals, and Liz, saved my life. It is time for a change, for real. I’ve been writing some about hope, get better, sickness, and to live life. But…I haven’t really said this before. Ever.

I’m sick. I have an eating disorder and it’s called Anorexia Nervosa.

That was hard. But, it’s ok. Feelings and emotions are good, it’s how you face or handle them that can be good or bad for you. I have to recover (= get way better than I’m now, but no pressure to be “perfect”) in order to be able to fulfill my dream and so my dream will turn out as good as possible. I’m gonna work hard. I’m gonna try to just focus on my main therapist’s words, not the other side. I’m, for once, gonna let her take part of me and my deep, deep inner thoughts, so she can help me to help myself go against the other side, and start to live life completely. The other side is not gonna take over. I’m gonna be 100% Lina or first, I’m gonna find out who Lina is. To be honest, I haven’t let Lina be 100% Lina for many years. It’s about time to explore that with help from Liz, my therapist/(s), and others close to me.

One day I’m gonna be free.

tattoo

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

unbelievable. tears streamed down my face. i could not believe this. and yet i have believed in her all along. and i always will.

this is why my wife is my inspiration. my muse. she amazes me. and i am so proud of her. the courage, bravery, and honesty she found within herself teaches me to never give up. to never stop fighting. to live life to the fullest, every single moment that i am given.

the most important thing to know is who we are, and that who we are right now is just fine. no matter what. but, that sense of having dreams and reaching for them, that is when we listen to our souls, or at least try to. that is the moment when we break the silence within ourselves and begin to discover the “me” that is inside. the me that is beautiful from the inside, out.

to all my dear readers, i encourage you click on over to my love’s blog. follow her. i promise you that her creativity, her words, her photos will inspire you. because she is completely amazing.

peace on your journey.

0 comments

  1. Tracy says:

    Your Lina is a very smart, strong, intelligent young woman who is very lucky to have the wonderful support of her many friends & family. Disorders are tough nuts to crack- but I have no doubt she’ll conquer it- as long as she stays grounded to her support network & keeps working it out with her therapists. She’ll get there- and this will soon become just another of life’s obstacles that was faced & surmounted. 🙂

    • liz says:

      she is an amazing woman, yes. it’s a long journey, but she will most definitely be free from it all one day. thank you, tracy!

  2. Hello Liz — last week, the one blog I posted was about my daughter’s eating disorder and the last time she threatened to take her own life.

    It is not easy.

    To love someone free of expectations.

    And yet, that is what you are doing — loving Lina exactly the way she is, exactly where she is.

    If you haven’t check out Alexis’ blog (www.thewunderyear.wordpress.com) — do go visit. Alexis (my daughter) writes about her eating disorder everyday — or in some way connects to it everyday through her healing journey. It’s keeping her on track, and open to living free of ED.

    Hugs and love to you both.

    • liz says:

      Hi! I am so thankful for people like your daughter, who write honestly and openly. What a gift she has in writing! Thank you for directing me to her blog… what an amazing young woman you have for a daughter. I/we wish the best for her!

      Eating disorders are so tough, but I know that there are some who make it out. I am hoping and believing in freedom for my love, and I will add you daughter to my thoughts as well.

      Thank you so much for your comment and support. Love.

  3. Wow, my heart goes out to you both. That takes courage, and you are both very strong to face this, while working to inspire others the way you do. I have no doubt you will get through it, together.

    • liz says:

      thanks for your words, alarna. with all for the love & support we receive, there is no doubt in my mind that this journey, though it may be long, will come to an end and my love will be free. xo

  4. sending lots of love from the states. Beautifully written. Courage, my friend.

  5. SWBVR says:

    this made a dent in my heart – I can feel the fierce courage it took her to write that. Bless you both.

    Onwards and upwards – always upwards 🙂 xx

    • liz says:

      thank you, mel! fierce is an awesome word. i love that you used it to describe my love’s courage. spot on! much love back to you. xo

  6. oh, i am hurting for her and for you 🙁 at the same time inspired by her strength and the support you give her. i am thinking and praying for her and for you.

  7. You must be so proud!

    Lina – you are so brave to put it out there. Keep up the good work!

    • liz says:

      I am totally beaming with pride! She is the bravest. And it means so much to me that she has felt so much support after putting it all out there. xo

  8. southernhon says:

    Thank you for sharing part of her with us. She is very strong and brave to put it out there.
    For what it’s worth, my love has mental illness that affects him/us every day. I tell him all the time he is the strongest person I know. I think that strength comes from being able to face what life throws at you head-on and not back down. Keep fighting.

    • liz says:

      I want to share my love with the world… because there is something so special in her and everyone needs to be able to feel a little bit of the special-ness. She shines a certain light and loves so deeply. Thank you for sharing you & your love’s struggles. We’ll fight on, and we wish y’all strength and peace too.

  9. MakingSpace says:

    Beautifully written, vulnerable and courageous. Love and light to you both – I’m cryin’ too, and I’ve never met either of ya!

  10. Laura4NYC says:

    What a difficult situation to go through! How great that she has found the courage to finally write about it (on the www). I cannot imagine how much anxiety is behind her dealing with daily life. I hope it will all turn out well. A change of scenery can sometimes be very helpful for a new mindset. Wishing all the best for a new start in the US.

    • liz says:

      Thanks, Laura! I am a very proud wife. I am certain things will turn out well… I believe in her. Though I know that there is a long and rocky road ahead, full of good moments and bad. We are truly looking forward to moving, ready to start a new phase of life together in a place we both love.

  11. kate1975 says:

    Hi Liz,

    So beautiful. So brave. Thank you for sharing.

    Good and healing thoughts to you both.

    Kate

    • liz says:

      Kate, thank you for your comment. It means even more to share these kinds of things when I know that there is a safe group of people who are supportive and listenign with open hearts. Y’all are a special part of my blogging world, where I know that my words will be heard and felt, and that means so much to me.

      Thank you,
      Liz

  12. […] Lina, Liz’s wife. The other day, Liz wrote a blog post titled “her words.”, where she wrote some about me, but also copied the text I wrote on my blog. It was really tough […]

  13. Thinking of you two. You are both so so strong. <3 Peace for both of you.

    • liz says:

      dearest heather, thank you so much! your peace is felt over here, and we are so appreciative of it! sending deep inner peace right back to you. <3

  14. […] love the lost art of snail mail her words a closet is no place to live the beauty of a woman […]

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