20 years… poof!

it has happened. i have reached the age that i thought about as a teenager. the day has come. something that seemed so far off in the future, that i thought for sure by now i would be traveling around like the jetson’s (if you don’t know who they are you are either too young or not american, or both. hehe) in some car in the sky. i never imagined i would be living in sweden, surfing & blogging on this thing called the internet, and married to a women when this day came. i remember thinking how old people were when they hit this milestone. like having gray hair, and boring jobs, and lots of kids, and almost ready to retire (i told you i thought that people were old when they experienced this milestone. hehe).

but, here i am. 38. not traveling in a flying car like the jetson’s (which still disappoints me). not even having a car, since i live in europe. not having gray hair, or a boring job, or lots of kids (not that there is anything wrong with that at all!), and nowhere close to retirement. ha! instead, i’m divorced. remarried. an aspiring writer & photographer. a blogger. a traveler.

nope. i never could have imagined this life. not in my wildest dreams. and you know what? it is actually way better than i could have ever dreamed. and the journey the past 20 years has been unforgettable, exhilarating, trying, liberating, and empowering. wow. how could i have ever known, when i walked across that stage dressed in a paper-thin red robe to grab that rolled up piece of paper, the journey that awaited me. 20 years ago… i’m blown away. shit, how time flies.

yes. today, this weekend, is my 20th high school reunion. eeeeekkk!

of course, my high school is in greensboro, north carolina and i am in sweden, so unfortunately i don’t have the chance to schmooze with all of my high school acquaintances. i say acquaintances because i didn’t have that many people i called friends. i was weird. different. somehow an outcast. not by choice, though… because i longed, longed, longed to be part of THE group: you know, the girls & guys who were beautiful, rich, popular, athletic, funny, creative, had everything, and were everything that i thought that i was not.

high school was a tough time for me. part of me loved it. the traditions. the rivalries. some of the classes. but, high school was so much about friends & fun, and i knew that my level of fun could’ve been higher than it was, if only i was more popular. if only i wasn’t so different. i have no idea how i was different, i just was. i was most definitely NOT confident. i didn’t really like myself, or i was always trying to be someone else, always looking across the aisle and dreaming of being the beautiful, dark-haired, incredibly intelligent cheerleader. oh, how i dreamed of being accepted. of being noticed. of being someone. anyone but me.

but, i had a wonderful boyfriend, who was a year older & way more mature, and didn’t go to my high school. and i had my youth group friends. so, i had some fantastic support & my own fun. but, true to who i am now (though i didn’t like it then), i did things my own way. i teetered back & forth between feeling ok and feeling like i just wanted all this to be over. i remember telling myself very often, “this will not last forever. as soon as high school is over, things will change. you will get through this, and you will soar when it’s all over.”

so, i am bummed that i am not gonna have a chance to see all these people tonight at the reunion. not for their sake, not to prove anything to them, because none of them were mean to me. i was not bullied or anything. i just went unnoticed and not included, perhaps mostly due to my fault when i look back. no, i am gonna miss being there for my sake. because i know who i am. and i love who i am. i am proud of my journey through the past 20 years. and i am confident, caring, and friendly… even if i’m still a loner, an introvert, and a bit different.

the difference is, i now embrace my difference.

in fact, i love being different. a big change from the elizabeth of 20 years ago, and somehow, exactly the same.

ok. now for the fun stuff. a blast from the 1992 past.

on the big screen:

basic instinct, aladdin, the bodyguard, a few good men, home alone 2, toys

in our ears:

Colour Me Badd, R.E.M, UB40, Young MC, Rob Base, The Divinyls, Beastie Boys, House of Pain

on the tube:

Home Improvement, LA Law, Married… with Children

yeah. hard to believe, but it has been 20 years since i graduated from high school. it’s truly hard to imagine because time has flown by, but it feels like an eternity at the same time. do i feel old? not at freaking all. i feel like life is just beginning to take off again. so, i’d say my 20th high school reunion is a perfect starting point for new journeys and new experiences. who knows what lies ahead?!

38 year old me.

for those of you who are in high school, or college, or just feel stuck in life, don’t give up. it does get better. try hard to believe in yourself, hold on, and listen to what your soul is saying to you. no matter what people say or think, be true to yourself. it’s a tough journey, but to be truly free is to accept who we are and to live from that, chasing our dreams, following our heart, and soaking up life. you are so worth it!

happy 20th, fellow page pirates! hail to the buccaneers!

peace to all y’all out there.

up-close. (and personal).

today’s photo challenge prompt is up-close. i first took a picture of the bracelet i was wearing, making it look a little artsy. you can see it here. then, i snapped this up-close shot of myself.

that got me thinking about being up-close & personal…

i got a request in the form of a blog comment the other day from heather. the request is to share my path to inner peace here on my blog in a series of posts. wow. a request to write about my journey in life. that’s a first & i must say, it feels humbling & amazing. i’ve been thinking about it since then… and i think i’ll do it.

you see, it could be a great motivation for me. a few years ago i decided that i really wanted to write a book about the past few years in my life. a kind of memoir of life-changing experiences & moments, which wind through my journey toward inner peace, to living from my soul, to learning to simply be me… including graduate school, a divorce, death, trips around the world, a marriage to a woman, struggles with how to be me, and the biggest move of my life so far. if i begin this series of blog posts, then i would, in effect, be beginning my book – which i have not really begun yet because i’m the world’s worst procrastinator. well, i have the first sentence. so, win-win situation, right? when i’m done with the blog series, hopefully i’ll be well on my way to getting my book going so that i can have it published one day.

ok. i’m ready to be up-close & personal with you all.

and it feels quite amazing to make this decision today. twenty years ago (20!!!) i graduated from high school. i cannot believe that it has been that long. when i graduated, i thought that celebrating/hitting the 20 year graduation mark only happened to old people. but, i was wrong. i’m not old at all. so, it feels so crazy that it was so long ago. i did not like myself much back then. i felt so different. i still feel different now, but i embrace that difference. i love the difference now. i love being 37 instead of 17.

it feels perfect to decide to begin to write about my journey from a shy, unsure, outcast girl uncomfortable in her own skin and unaware of anything that she wanted out of life to a woman who knows herself and follows her bliss on this day. it’s been a 20 year journey, and i think the time is right to begin. time to reflect & share up to this point. then, i set out on the next 20 years.

so, be watching. the posts will begin soon. as soon as i figure out where/how to start. hehe. thanks for the challenge, heather. i look forward to writing! hope y’all will enjoy reading.