hi y’all. i want to blog. desperately. but, i don’t know what to blog about. yes, my life is all new again living here in asheville. yes, it’s extremely exciting and all that. yes, i am so happy about being here that i can hardly contain myself, and i am grateful beyond belief, but i’m stuck. or uninspired. and yet, crazily inspired at the same time.
i don’t know. perhaps it’s a little bit of a post didn’t-get-the-job-i-didn’t-want-anyway and don’t-know-what-i’m-gonna-do kinda blues. perhaps it’s the the-move-is-now-over-and real-life-begins-again anxiety. it’s like post-move depression. we worked intensely on preparing to move for the 3 months before we moved, but actually, the process began about a year ago. so, some sort of this-is-now-over-let-down is surely normal. right? oh geez. i’m such an ex-pat trying to readjust.
on top of the adjustment issues, i have this job issue. i have a bunch of ideas. but i need a plan of action. that’s what i’m not so good at. the action part. i’m great with the big picture, the vision, the mission, the theory, the ideas. the feelings, and intuition. i’m crap when it comes to executing all of the ideas, plans, and visions. where do i begin? what to i do first? how do i make things happen?
in the past, things usually just happen or come to me. but, right now, i feel pressure to go out and hunt. or to make things happen, instead of waiting. and that is not my forte. and it looks like i won’t be teaching anytime soon. and i certainly will not be working in a church. so… hmm. i have to get creative. which is fine, since i’ve got ideas out the wazoo. but, i don’t know how to whittle all those amazing ideas down to making things happen.
for example, this book that i want to write. i have not figured out how to just sit down and write. it just comes when it comes. and when it does, it flows and i know that i am experiencing something amazing and everything is just as it should be. problem is, it only comes every now and then. when the stars are aligned or something. and no book, or anything else is gonna get written by waiting for the gods to send me a message.
the thing is, i’ve never actually tried to force myself to sit down and write. every. single. stinking. day. so, who knows? i could do it (?). it could actually work for me… or what if i took this blog and created a book from it? that would be cool. something on my swedish years. but, i don’t know where to begin (not literally, duh. of course i would begin with moving here. but, then there’s a whole background story as to how i wound up in sweden. do i write that? ugh.). i don’t know how to begin. what would my theme be? what would be the purpose of me putting this out? just a daily record? or inspirational thoughts? or a whole freaking memoir. there are so many ways to go. so many freaking options. this, of course, goes for my book idea as well. better yet, is my book idea and this “the sweden years” idea one in the same? or two different writings?
do i begin with my divorce 5 years ago? or earlier? with my relationship with lina? with my move to denmark? sweden? where do i begin? who is my audience? what am i trying to say? i can’t figure it out, people. and all that rolling around in my head right now makes it impossible for me to even blog.
of course the answer is just to begin. somewhere.
but, let’s look at the bright side of things.
at least now… finally… i know exactly what i want to do, who i want to be, how i want to live: write. photograph. reflect. talk. travel. and write some more. i know what makes my soul sing & dance. i know how my gifts can be used. i just don’t know where to use them or how to get someone else to want them as part of their team. journalism is an idea, perhaps. even though i have no formal training. a PhD, perhaps, is another option. so, my vision is as clear as glass. how to make it happen. not so much.
ok. i have rambled on enough tonight. tomorrow is a new day, a new opportunity. the thing is, i know that this is a huge turning point in my life right now, and a chance to make some big transitions in my professional life. i just wish there was a road map or a guide to help me along the way. i’m overwhelmed by all of the opportunities fighting for my attention. i don’t know which one to choose, and i’m scared i’m just gonna grab onto whatever comes along next, out of desperation to have a job. when, right now, i am certain is the time to make some pretty huge changes. to follow through with my dreams and make them happen. for real.
and then, i’m right back to where i started. sitting here with a pretty amazing vision, yet overwhelmed by how to make it happen.
hmm.. before i moved to denmark (2 years before sweden), i made some pretty crazy decisions, had some pretty out there visions & dreams & ideas, but i made them happen anyway. how did i do it? well, i just did it. literally. resigned from my job. sold my stuff. and did it.
if i did it back then, without all of the life knowledge and experiences that i have under my belt now, then certainly i can do it again. in fact, i just did it again. same story. resigned my job. sold my stuff. and moved to asheville. however, i am not the same person i was the first time i did this back when i moved to denmark. then, i had no idea what i wanted. now i do. i’m so much more sure… of everything. and settled & whole. in my soul. with my love.
ok. that’s it. tomorrow i’m making a big, long-ass list. and then i’m gonna whittle it down to the most important priorities. and then, i’m gonna search for places/people to contact in asheville. i’m hitting the pavement. and, dammit, i’m gonna make my dream a reality. come what may.
because, come what may, i know my soul. and i am certain that all will be well with my soul, as long as i trust. have faith. and stay attached.