i got the monday confusion blues.

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hi y’all. i want to blog. desperately. but, i don’t know what to blog about. yes, my life is all new again living here in asheville. yes, it’s extremely exciting and all that. yes, i am so happy about being here that  i can hardly contain myself, and i am grateful beyond belief, but i’m stuck. or uninspired. and yet, crazily inspired at the same time.

i don’t know. perhaps it’s a little bit of a post didn’t-get-the-job-i-didn’t-want-anyway and don’t-know-what-i’m-gonna-do kinda blues. perhaps it’s the the-move-is-now-over-and real-life-begins-again anxiety. it’s like post-move depression. we worked intensely on preparing to move for the 3 months before we moved, but actually, the process began about a year ago. so, some sort of this-is-now-over-let-down is surely normal. right? oh geez. i’m such an ex-pat trying to readjust.

on top of the adjustment issues, i have this job issue. i have a bunch of ideas. but i need a plan of action. that’s what i’m not so good at. the action part. i’m great with the big picture, the vision, the mission, the theory, the ideas. the feelings, and intuition. i’m crap when it comes to executing all of the ideas, plans, and visions. where do i begin? what to i do first? how do i make things happen?

in the past, things usually just happen or come to me. but, right now, i feel pressure to go out and hunt. or to make things happen, instead of waiting. and that is not my forte. and it looks like i won’t be teaching anytime soon. and i certainly will not be working in a church. so… hmm. i have to get creative. which is fine, since i’ve got ideas out the wazoo. but, i don’t know how to whittle all those amazing ideas down to making things happen.

for example, this book that i want to write. i have not figured out how to just sit down and write. it just comes when it comes. and when it does, it flows and i know that i am experiencing something amazing and everything is just as it should be. problem is, it only comes every now and then. when the stars are aligned or something. and no book, or anything else is gonna get written by waiting for the gods to send me a message.

the thing is, i’ve never actually tried to force myself to sit down and write. every. single. stinking. day. so, who knows? i could do it (?). it could actually work for me… or what if i took this blog and created a book from it? that would be cool. something on my swedish years. but, i don’t know where to begin (not literally, duh. of course i would begin with moving here. but, then there’s a whole background story as to how i wound up in sweden. do i write that? ugh.). i don’t know how to begin. what would my theme be? what would be the purpose of me putting this out? just a daily record? or inspirational thoughts? or a whole freaking memoir. there are so many ways to go. so many freaking options. this, of course, goes for my book idea as well. better yet, is my book idea and this “the sweden years” idea one in the same? or two different writings?

do i begin with my divorce 5 years ago? or earlier? with my relationship with lina? with my move to denmark? sweden? where do i begin? who is my audience? what am i trying to say? i can’t figure it out, people. and all that rolling around in my head right now makes it impossible for me to even blog.

of course the answer is just to begin. somewhere.

but, let’s look at the bright side of things. 

at least now… finally… i know exactly what i want to do, who i want to be, how i want to live: write. photograph. reflect. talk. travel. and write some more. i know what makes my soul sing & dance. i know how my gifts can be used. i just don’t know where to use them or how to get someone else to want them as part of their team. journalism is an idea, perhaps. even though i have no formal training. a PhD, perhaps, is another option. so, my vision is as clear as glass. how to make it happen. not so much.

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ok. i have rambled on enough tonight. tomorrow is a new day, a new opportunity. the thing is, i know that this is a huge turning point in my life right now, and a chance to make some big transitions in my professional life. i just wish there was a road map or a guide to help me along the way. i’m overwhelmed by all of the opportunities fighting for my attention. i don’t know which one to choose, and i’m scared i’m just gonna grab onto whatever comes along next, out of desperation to have a job. when, right now, i am certain is the time to make some pretty huge changes. to follow through with my dreams and make them happen. for real.

and then, i’m right back to where i started. sitting here with a pretty amazing vision, yet overwhelmed by how to make it happen.

hmm.. before i moved to denmark (2 years before sweden), i made some pretty crazy decisions, had some pretty out there visions & dreams & ideas, but i made them happen anyway. how did i do it? well, i just did it. literally. resigned from my job. sold my stuff. and did it.

if i did it back then, without all of the life knowledge and experiences that i have under my belt now, then certainly i can do it again. in fact, i just did it again. same story. resigned my job. sold my stuff. and moved to asheville. however, i am not the same person i was the first time i did this back when i moved to denmark. then, i had no idea what i wanted. now i do. i’m so much more sure… of everything. and settled & whole. in my soul. with my love.

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ok. that’s it. tomorrow i’m making a big, long-ass  list. and then i’m gonna whittle it down to the most important priorities. and then, i’m gonna search for places/people to contact in asheville. i’m hitting the pavement. and, dammit, i’m gonna make my dream a reality. come what may.

because, come what may, i know my soul. and i am certain that all will be well with my soul, as long as i trust. have faith. and stay attached.

thanks for listening. i truly feel better. peace & love.

call me crazy, but i’m risking it.

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i just gotta write about today’s word prompt for the photo challenge. today’s word is risk. and i’ve been obsessed with risks all freaking day long. and i’m serious about that. i have not gone more than 3-4 minutes without thinking about risks… what the risks are in life. what risks i’ve taken. what kind of image can i use to symbolize risk. good risks. bad risks. how scary risks are. how exciting they are. i’ve been on pinterest and pinned an overload of risk-y themed pins today. and it doesn’t seem like i’ve gotten anywhere in my thoughts. the word “risk” has just echoed and rolled around in my mind over & over.i don’t know exactly why i’ve been like a girl obsessed with this word today.

i have so many, many thoughts in my head. and i came across quote after amazing quote about risks. i could photo plaster risk posters and images all over this blog post tonight. but, i’m only gonna share 2 with you. both are photos i took. one i took on top of one of my favorite mountains in western north carolina. and the other is from one of my favorite cities in the world. and the both have the same quote on them… one that really spoke to me today.

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about 5 years ago i found a bracelet that spoke to me. i was in the middle of selling/giving away almost everything i owned. i was recently divorced, had turned in my notice to quit my job that i’d had for almost 8 years, just completed my master’s degree, and was planning a move to denmark in the hopes of securing a job after i got there. i had no detailed plans about anything. i just knew that one part of my life was coming to an end and another was about ti begin. it was a huge turning point. monumental, i guess you could say.

anyway, the bracelet. i remember i was shopping with my mom in waynesville, north carolina, and when i saw the simple stretchy black band with the little copper rectangle on it, i was intrigued. i picked it up and read the words engraved on the copper piece:

the biggest risk you can take is to not take one at all.

it was meant to be. the universe was confirming that even though what i was doing and planning was crazy, it was right. the timing was perfect. so, i purchased that little bracelet and wore it like crazy from that day until the day i moved to denmark.

fast forward about 3 years and i had lived in denmark, fallen in love with lina, moved back to the states, married lina, and was working as a teacher in asheville. yes, all of that was a shock to me. none of it planned and none of it imagined. but, i took a risk, and life gave me crazy happiness like i’d never known. i was impatiently waiting for the school year to be over so that my love & i would be reunited. yes, we were separated by the atlantic ocean for the first 6 months of our marriage. lina was coming to asheville to spend the summer with me, and then we would move to sweden together in august.

during this year that i was teaching, i had a student in my class who i adored. ok, i adored many of them. but this young lady was something special. she so wanted to be her own person, but she felt pressure from her culture and her family to live up to everyone else’s expectations. still, she was doing exactly what 15 and 16 year olds should do… questioning, wondering, spreading their wings, dreaming, and beginning to develop their own sense of self. she saw my bracelet one day… i was still wearing it 3 years later and read the inscription. she admitted that she didn’t quite get it… the negative phrasing was difficult for her to understand. so, we talked about it some until she began to get the jist of what it meant.

take risks. if you don’t then you’re risking even more.

she decided that since i was moving to sweden and had lived in denmark, that i must believe what my bracelet said. i told her that, in fact, i did believe those words. all the way down to my soul i believed them. and then she began to dream a little and wonder what kind of risks she could take in her life that would lead her to happiness and peace.

for the rest of the school year, she continued to bring up this whole “risk” thing. and she decided that she wanted to take risks. believing in herself was the risk that she wanted to take. believing that she was more than a pretty face, more than a girl destined to take a crappy job just to get by, believing that she had something to offer the world. for her, dreaming was a risk. but, she did it.

on the last day of school, i brought the bracelet with me. i made sure one more time that she understood its meaning, and i gave it to her.

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i have taken a lot of risks. made a lot of decisions, crazy and sane ones, that have gotten me to where i am today. even though it has been scary, uncertain, uncomfortable, and super scary at times, without taking these risks i never would have…

  • met lina.
  • moved to denmark and discovered more about me
  • been a fighter and advocate for marriage equality and other civil/human rights from a first-hand perspective
  • worked as a teacher again… in an amazing high school
  • moved to sweden and learned swedish
  • met many, many, too many to mention amazing people
  • become friends with people all around the world
  • begun blogging
  • traveled to greece, ireland, germany

in other words, this picture above of my love & me in dublin, ireland sipping fresh guinness with our amazing friend would have never happened.

without following the words on that bracelet from years ago, without leaving my comfort zone, i never would have become an ex-pat, married the love of my life, learned a new language, met nicole & found a true & loyal friend for life, visited dublin (twice!), had the chance to sip beer at the guinness brewery, and captured what was a perfect moment on film. (plus oh so much more).

all this to say… this word, “risk“, has meant the world to me. this word has changed my life.

and now, as my love and i begin to close the chapter of our time in sweden, the word returns as an old friend, tapping me on the shoulder, reminding me that new adventures await me/us. risks are there… scary ones, breathtaking ones, exciting ones challenging ones. yes, it’s time to set sail again. time to poke a little hole in my comfort zone bubble and burst out. time to see the next amazing thing that life has to offer.

i have contemplated a lot these past days about what comes next. and i have no idea. but, i am certain, that unless it scares me a little, challenges me a lot, and forces me out on a limb, then it is not for me. yep. my dreams are big. there will be no settling in, no acceptance of an easy, safe life. i can feel it in my soul. i don’t know what it is yet, but something great waits for me. something that requires me to take another leap of faith… there’s another great risk waiting on the horizon.

the more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.

~ steven pressfield

is it time for me to work on my PhD? is it time to publish a book? is it time for me to be an lgbt advocate and write full-time? these are the things that frighten me, that seem impossible, and crazy. perhaps, that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be. however it turns out, i know it will be more amazing than i ever could have imagined.

baby, you were born to fly.

here’s to courage, boldness, and peace.

i had a big ole blast down south.

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i know. it’s been a almost a week since i’ve gotten back from my road trip to southern sweden for a big, family weekend, and i haven’t posted any pictures yet. my excuse? i have been sooo busy since getting back from the road trip… pulling an all-nighter to watch the election in the states (i gotta say it one more time: WOO HOO!). working a long 9 hour day the next day. preparing a sermon to preach. and a weekend full of work – i was at the church every night all weekend long. but, i survived & got everything done. whew.

and now it’s monday. and today, my day off, i’ve got a little bit of time to squeeze in a post featuring some road trip pictures. so, you’re in luck today. here come some snapshots from my long weekend about a week ago. i gotta get it done now because my love & i are off to stockholm next weekend, so there’ll be even more photos to share soon. i know. rough life, huh?

november is a super busy month for us!

day one: southward bound.

 

 

 

 

after a about four-ish hour drive, we finally entered the southern part of sweden, with it’s beautiful fields and trees. of course, the golden november sunshine made it all that more gorgeous. we settled into our hostel, with it’s typical southern sweden house style, and then headed over to lina’s aunt’s home to meet up with the rest of the family. after an evening of catching up, sipping wine, and eating a yummy dinner, it was back to the hostel for a good night’s sleep… or not.

when we went into the building & stuck the key into the lock in our room’s door, it didn’t unlock. nothing happened. the key wouldn’t budge. lina tried & tried. then, lina’s dad tried & tried. then, i tried & tried. then, lina’s uncle tried and tried. nothing happened. at. all. and it was 11 pm. gaaahh. we were all exhausted, and now this. however, we kept our spirits up & joked about it as much as we could. luckily, there was a locksmith who was nice enough to come out late & save us. so, finally at 1:15ish, we had no lock on our door, but we were able to crawl into our bunk beds and catch some zzz’s before the big family dinner the next day.

oh, and the rest of the landscape is this: the sea. amazingly beautiful. and so good for my soul.

day two: the day of tons of family & a big goose (or turkey, in our case) dinner. it was like a little mini-thanksgiving for me!

 

 

 

day 3: the do-nothing day

 

 

 

on our third day, we were recovering from family day before… much like how it feels on the day after thanksgiving in the states (without all of the black friday shopping craziness, of course). it rained off & on, which it had done all weekend so far; but the sun peeked out just enough for us to play some games outside (which the kids all arranged) and take a walk at sunset.

over the weekend swedes celebrated all saint’s day. it is actually a pretty big thing here. family members & friends visit the graves of loved ones and light candles. if you happen to be lucky enough to be in a city where there is a large cemetery, the candles are overwhelming and absolutely beautiful. since we were in the country, there were only a very few candles lit on the graves. still, it was a really good chance to take a cozy walk with my love in the cold, and wander around the church grounds. a beautiful evening.

day 4: first, a little shopping & lunch in a super rainy & cold helsingborg.

 

 

and then… DENMARK!

 

 

 

 

 

of course, on this day, the day of our little road-trip-within-a-road-trip adventure, it rain like crazy. and was cooooold. but, being the hearty swedes that we are (ok. i’m not so hearty & strong. i’m a cold weather wuss), we didn’t let the weather stop us. nope. we took the 30 minute drive from the country hostel/lina’s aunt’s house to helsingborg, sweden. there we wandered the wet streets, did a little shopping, and at lunch at a thai restaurant. and then came the highlight of the day… a ferry ride to denmark!

yep. you can pay about $10 and hop on a ferry to head across the water to denmark. it’s only a 20 minute ride and the boat leaves every 15 minutes or so. now, if you have read my blog for any length of time, or if you know me, (and my love), then you know that part of our heart lives in denmark. we love it there. denmark has been special to me for a very long time. and having a chance to pop over there, even for a few hours one afternoon to a tiny harbor town, is the perfect little denmark fix. ok. yes i would give anything to have a weekend in copenhagen and a weekend in odense (where i used to live – another story for another day), but still, the little town of helsingør, denmark was just perfect that day.

we wandered the tiny streets, warmed ourselves in a funky cafe – with hot cocoa and colorful marshmallows! – and i soaked in the danish accents everywhere i went. it filled my soul. then, it was back on the ferry & back over to sweden by nightfall. loved it.

day 5: headed home

 

after four nights in the hostel and four days with family, it was time to head back north again. of course, on this, our last morning, the sun was shining brightly. go figure. but, it was time to say goodbye to our cozy little swedish hostel home. time to say goodbye to the peaceful  sea. and time to say goodbye to the southern swedish countryside. it had been a great, cozy weekend and a fabulous chance to get away from our routine.

yes, this road trip has come to an end, but another one waits in the wings… and, as i said before, in 3 days we’re headed to stockholm!

hope you get your road-trippin’ groove on soon. peace & love.