i only cry once in a blue moon – and that is totally ok

the energies all around me are intense right now. intense good + intense intense. know what i mean? let me explain a bit.

my emotions are running on high today. they are right on the surface and i could not keep them stuffed inside, even if i wanted to. i’ve been bursting shoulder-shaking into sobs i don’t know how many times throughout the day. tears just start streaming down my face and a lump remains in my throat. there is an heavy aching + emptiness in my soul. and waves of complete sadness just wash over me from head to toe every now and then. i feel exhausted. like i am lugging weights + chains around with me as i shuffle my feet everywhere i may go. which has not been far today. i am also tired.  i awoke at 4 am and noticed that it was a beautiful sunrise, so i spent some peaceful time with myself for about 2 hours before falling back into a deep sleep, only to have then that experience when you realize that you need to wake yourself up because you are having a horrible nightmare. and that’s all just been today.

sunrise

the 4am sunrise

mid-morning, my love + i walked with my brother to the train station to send him off as he heads back to the states today. this, of course, is a large source of my pain and anguish. my emptiness.

i’ve tried to process some things today, but i just can’t do it yet. however, i know that this melancholy, this  intense sadness, surfaces as such a strong emotion because there is much that is buried deeper, connected to it all. so, yes, my brother leaving is heart-wrenchingly painful. but, my intuition tells me that there is much, much more going on that stems from that. saying goodbye to my brother has just been the catalyst to set my emotions free. what it is, though, that is deep within me, i don’t really know. but, i feel it. and for right now, that is enough.

what i do know is that it has much to do with me living my truth, of me confronting my beliefs, my desires, my loves, my passions, my self, and how all of that is lived out in my life. 

it’s as if it’s all coming to a head now: will i step out and trust the shifts that are taking place, allowing myself to be launched out into a new, deeper, higher way of living? or will i sink back into the life that i have adjusted + adapted to? one that is wonderful, but does not let me live out my highest potential.

in the meantime, as my emotions have been building inside of me,  i haven’t been sleeping well. i’ve been moody, feeling filled with energy + totally lethargic as well. and, certainly, you understand now that my emotions have been seriously wacky today. there has been a release.

you know, it’s only once in a blue moon, though,  that i actually sob and let myself lose control of my emotions. but, i am going with it. because tonight we have a blue moon.

more importantly, it just feels right. i’m listening to my soul and letting my emotions just come leaking out of me. and it feels tough and exhausting, but cleansing at the same time. like i am preparing myself for something.

tonight is the second full moon in july. remember we had one back on july 1? it is this second full moon within one month that makes it a rare, powerful blue moon. and, aside from the obvious things that are making me feel sad (my brother leaving), this blue moon is, for me, happens to be on the day that my emotions have gotten the best of me.

no matter what, though, with the support of my loving wife by my side today, sharing her own tears with me, i know that i am in a safe place to just cry. and to allow myself to feel it today. to feel it all to the max. just to clarify, though, what i am feeling is not all sadness + emptiness, there are intensely high energy emotions as well. feelings of excitement + optimism, of unity + community, of love + complete overwhelmed joy. of anticipation + possibility. so, i’m just letting it all swirl around inside me.

because i know that my plethora of emotions are teaching me something. they are cleaning out my soul and giving me clarity about who i really am and who i want to be, of how to live my life in truth.

moon

so, lovely people, i have no idea how you are feeling today. but, if your emotions seem to be on overdrive, chalk it up to the full moon: the rare, beautiful, powerful blue moon, which just may be giving us, through our emotions, a new sense of awareness, a new calling, and setting us up for a completely new, challenging, intense path in life. let’s let our emotions fill us with the energy to boost us forward.

try to catch a glimpse of that big, mysterious moon tonight and let her light fill you + push you + comfort you. let yourself be guided right into that place where you need to be, which is exactly where you are.

onwards + upwards! xo

last-moments-asheville-home

meditation mondays: just start

hello, out there! i’m writing to you from a cozy spot on the sofa in my brother’s back apartment this morning. what that means is that we’re all moved out from our sweet little home + into our temporary asheville digs in the middle of downtown. we’ll be here until sunday – when we pile up in the car + drive to new york to fly out to sweden on monday. so, basically. one. week. left.

morning-asheville

today, i feel much better than yesterday. yesterday, we hit our moving and emotional limits i think. lina had it a bit worse, i believe. it wasn’t that there was so much to do, it was that it was the ending of our home there. i suppose though, it all started with waking up + knowing that we had just spent our last night in our home. and then, it just got more + more challenging – emotionally.

last-sunrise-asheville-apartment

but, we powered on through. and even set aside time for a yummy brunch at a favorite place with some good friends.

brunch-walk

then, it was back to work. my brother took our bed to my parents’ place. we thought we’d keep the bed in storage… for that mountain cabin that we are going to get just as soon as we can afford it. yep. we dream big. we took a few loads of things to a donation station to give away. cleaned the apartment at my brothers. and then, we took the rest of everything that was left, out piece by piece, and we moved the cat over to this apartment with us.

we settled in last evening, all 3 of us, and just sat. stunned. exhausted. but, somewhat happy. zola explored her new little home, while lina and i sipped on beer, ate chips, and watched some things on our computers. then, we crawled into the bed. all of us. and passed out.

beer-home-asheville

this morning, i woke, feeling freaked out and excited all at the same time. there are still a lot of errands to run, accounts to close, a car to sell, apartment keys to turn in. gaaaah. but, it’ll all work out and be ok. i stumbled across this quote this morning, and thought i’d use it as my meditation for this monday. and, i thought i’d also share it with you. so, whatever you are doing today. whatever you face. whatever you are beginning or ending or dreaming about, this is for you. all of you, out there. my dear readers.

empty-asheville-home

start now. start where you are. start with fear. start with pain. start with doubt. start with hands shaking. start with voice trembling but start. start and don’t stop. start where you are, with what you have. just… start.

onwards + upwards! xoxo

sunset-mountains

let’s get this party started

well, time is moving quickly + there’s much to be done! my love + i returned home from washington, dc last night after a fantastic little holiday. the first thing we did was unpack our stuff, throw it all in the dirty clothes hamper, and then lit some candles + crawled into bed. we were super tired from a 10 hour trip by way of charlotte to drop off lina’s parents. but a little cozy time together was just what we need to wind down. we knew that this would be pretty much our last “normal” night at home, so we soaked it up.

cozy-bedroom

this morning, we hit things full speed ahead. i got a tip about a job to apply for in sweden, so i got all wrapped up in preparing an application and my cv/portfolio for that, and then it was time to sort + organize + pack. it was a madhouse here. but, we got a ton done, and i’d say that we are in a pretty good place – packing-wise. my parents helped out greatly by getting us some lunch + my mom packed away some kitchen things i am saving at their place.

the packing went well, but my emotions have not gone so well. i had a meltdown at one point. tears have been common, as have been moments of panic inside of me – like i’m about to climbs the walls. i’m more than certain, however, even with my emotions all crazy, that this is the right move for us to make. even though it hurts so much.

i can feel big things bubbling beneath the surface, great moments + opportunities on the horizon, and a chance to grow + learn + become in ways that i cannot even begin to imagine.

when i feel totally overwhelmed, though, and need to remind myself of this security + excitement that i feel, it always helps for me to turn my eyes to the sky. and tonight’s sunset was exactly the reminder that i  needed after a wacky, busy day like today.

i’ll have to look at the sky a a lot over the nest 2 weeks, i believe.

tomorrow is when the shit really hits the fan, though. in the morning, bright and early, the movers come to inventory and package and take away all of the stuff we are shipping to sweden. i have to take zola the cat to the vet, and people come to pick up the furniture that they are buying. in the evening, though, we’re taking a little break to see our dear friends in concert here in asheville. local music. friends. beer. a perfect way to end another upcoming intense day. the rest of the weekend will be more packing of furniture that people come to get, moving over to my brother’s apartment, and turning in our keys here. but…. before we turn in our keys, we’re having one last big party in our practically empty apartment on saturday night. and i cannot wait.

so, with a little mixing of fun + business + sky-gazing, i am certain that i will make it through this weekend. but, it’s gonna be a super crazy one. guess i’ll be tapping into my word of the year a bunch over the next 3 days: feeling empowered!

here’s to wishing you a great weekend, friends!

onwards + upwards! xo