coming out… of hibernation.

sick
kitchen
spending a lot of time in my kitchen today. feeling a lot of things.

it has taken me 4 or 5 off and on hours to write this. and i’m all over the place. i apologize now for what follows… sorry.

the sun is shining outside and it’s relatively warm. but, i’m still recovering from some crappy stomach sickness that knocked me out while my love & i were gone, so i am inside. listening to a new playlist i made that is made up of all the old songs i listened to during the year that i died and came back to life. i need to be in touch with that girl again. that liz. so sure. so confident. so dreamy and freaking crazy. just closing her eyes and jumping. and knowing in her soul that the leap of faith was always the right decision. i miss that girl.

oh yes, i jumped when i moved to sweden. and it has been amazing. i’ve acclimated and adjusted. and now, i’m ready to jump again. but, right now, i’m not exactly sure who i am. who have i become? how has this journey, this time of living in sweden, affected me? how has it changed my dreams?  i know what i want, but i don’t know how to make it happen. one huge thing that sweden has given me is time. time to explore the writer that is within me. and that writer wants to be let loose! but, how? sweden has also given me a chance to travel and a chance to be cozy at home (thanks to the cozy, dark falls and winters). in some ways, it feels as if i have been hibernating while i’ve been in sweden. and i don’t mean that in a bad way… i mean it in the best possible way.

though, now i’m nearing the end of my self-proclaimed hibernation, or cocoon-ing, and it’s time for me to look back on these almost three years and reacquaint myself with my dreams and hopes, now that i know that i will be moving to asheville. it’s time to tap into my gyspy soul, and to make sure not to stay stuck in the roles that are most comfortable simply because they are comfortable. or because it’s too scary to try anything different. it’s time to to feel the desire to fly, and ignore those who would try to keep me grounded by circumstances in life.

i’ve been saying that moving back to the states feels like an adventure in itself. i suppose that moving back can be seen as this: “oh, how boring. she lived in europe for three years and is now going back to little ole north carolina.”  but, i don’t feel that way at all. if i’m honest, the thought has crossed my mind, but it moves right on as fast as as it came. no, from deep within, i know that this is another adventure. a new one. just as big as moving to sweden almost 3 years ago.

so, speaking of that gypsy soul. and thinking about how i feel today. i realize that a journey of self discovery is what was exactly what was in the cards for me right now.

i do not, capital N O T, want to be that person who dreams and wishes, and just sits there. i do, capital   D.O., want to be that person who thinks crazy things are possible and makes the seemingly impossible happen. hell, i’ve done it once, twice, three, or more times before… why should i stop now?

sick
hibernating in my sick bed this week.

 the other day, i mentioned that i had learned to feel my emotions again in life after a long period of stuffing them down. well, today, the lesson i’ve learned in how to feel how i feel has gotten me feeling every sort of emotion possible (did you follow that?). perhaps it’s because i have been sick for the past few days. like really sick. and now i’m weak and run down. but it’s also everything else. spring, which is depressing instead of energizing me. my love and her fight for life. finishing up and staying on track at work. preparing for the move. feeling physically sick has made me realize that i don’t feel ok mentally, emotionally, or physically right now.

i want to be the carefree spirit i committed myself to being in the beginning of 2013. i want to be the gyspy soul that i feel that i am. but, i don’t feel capable of it right now. i don’t have the energy. and even as i say all of this, i am still working to live in the present moment. to breathe in the beauty of right now. and i am. i truly am. i  notice and bask in the warm sun’s rays spilling into my kitchen. i feel the joy of having my love sleep beside me at night. i adore the snuggles with my cat. i sip slowly on a glass of red. i smile brightly as i notice the green popping out on the trees. i close my eyes and breathe.  i am in the present moment. and yet, somehow, right now, that’s not enough to feed my free-spirited soul.

i know what is waiting for me. i know what i am longing for, what my love is longing for. i know the freedom, the soul-touching feelings we have in the states. and i want them now.

everything that i am writing about today is based on this one thing: i am in a holding period. stuck in between adventures. trying to live a present moment that isn’t the present moment i’d dreamed of, and yet still finding beauty and some peace. but, knowing what lies ahead… all the craziness and the promise of a new chapter in life. i’m nearing the end of my hibernation.

the bottom line is this:

i need to slow down and find a way to accept and enjoy and use these next 3 months here in sweden. i need to let myself wake up slowly. if i use this time to the best of my ability, then i will really search my soul, and give myself a chance to know what i want my next step to be. is it just to move back to asheville and enjoy the life there? or is it to crazily seek out a job that fills my soul, and not just pays the bills? or is it a balance of the two? and if so, where & what is that job? of course it’s not just about jobs either, but our whole life. where we will live, how we will live, how we will spend our time. it’s all so exciting and promising!

as i type these words, john lennon’s song “starting over” is playing through my speakers. and the words, the lyrics. oh my gosh. it was as if the little spark in my chest has just been set on fire. everything is so clear to me…

our life is so precious. together. we have grown. 
our love is so special. let’s take a chance. and fly away. together. 
it’ll be just like starting over. 
it’s time to spread our wings and fly. 
don’t let another day go by, my love. 
it’ll be just like starting over.

 yes! exactly what john lennon (one of my heroes) says… this move brings with it new life. a new, amazing life that my love & i will share. we will fly. and we will live from our souls.

but, for now, i will allow myself to slowly awake from my hibernation.  i will use my time to uncover the deeper places in my self that i found while living in sweden. yes,  for now, i will use the present moment to discover more about who i am because of this hibernation… and who i dream of being in the next chapter of life.

how’s that for taking some time for myself? day 2. check!

hope you are feeling well today, my friends. peace & love.

at the end of the rainbow.

i’m hoping to find something at the end of the rainbow today, since it’s st. patrick’s day. i’m hoping that the luck of the irish will shower down on me and at the end of the rainbow i will find what i’m looking for… inspiration. though, I’m not really sure if inspiration is what i’m looking for actually. but, i do feel like i’m searching, seeking something. there is an unsettledness in my soul. one that leaves me feeling like i want to blog, i want to write, i want to be social, i want to live life, i want to do lots of things… but i can’t. i’m paralyzed. something is empty. i’m kinda numb. this is so not like me.

i realize that i’ve been experiencing my time in the desert right now. appropriate, i guess since it’s lent. and probably a side effect of being sick & at home for the past few days/week. too much time to think. alone with my thoughts. it’s a good thing to have  - time to yourself, but it’s hard. you come face to face with yourself. your demons. your dreams – both realized & unrealized. so, i suppose this blog post, which is marking the end of my little hibernation (well, i did actually leave the house yesterday for a cozy fika) is the culmination of my little dry period. (please let it be the end of my little dry period). i don’t want to stay here in the desert any longer. it’s lonely. and uninspiring. i am forcing my way out and back into real life… does it work like that? can i do that?

anyway. it’s st. patrick’s day. and i’m taking that as a good sign. a sign of luck. a sign of living life, of leaving my thoughts behind, of breaking free. tonight i’m gonna be a part of/lead a music cafe (sort of open-mike nite. no i’m not singing or doing anything musical.) at the church where i work. it’s gonna be a night filled with great company, great music, and great inspiration. plus, afterwards, lina & i have decided to go grab a guiness at a local pub where they will be celebrating all things irish. so, things are looking up.

still, i can’t knock this feeling of… something. restlessness. homesick-ness. being overwhelmed. all of the above? i don’t know. feels like i need an adventure. a trip. we’ve gotta get on with planning our trip to paris in may. only 2 months left!

in the meantime, the challenge i have is to look at the joy that is all around me. the opportunities (scary as they may be) of each day,  the tiny little buds that are appearing in very random places, promising me that spring & sun will return. the beauty of my love looking from behind her computer and across the table at me. that smile. that connection we feel. lina is my main inspiration right now.

i am reminded this morning that it is not about the promises to come, but rather the life that is. and, even  in the desert there is beauty. true, there is a desire to see what lies at the end of the rainbow, or what’s on the other side of the rainbow. to get out of the present, uncomfortable moment and into one that is more suitable & enjoyable. but, the more that i think about it, the more that i realize that what lies at the end of the rainbow is nothing more than the present moment. besides, if all i care about is getting to the pot of gold, then i miss the beauty of the rainbow all along the way.  it’s about the journey, not the destination. right?

of all people who should have wanted to get out of their present situation, st. patrick was one of them. kidnapped at 16. sold into slavery to the irish. and then escaped & returned home to wales. he had much to be pissed about. but, after decided to work in the church, he also found himself feeling a calling to go back to ireland to walk among the irish people. what?! return? certainly it was not his first choice of where to go. but, he did. and he served there faithfully, bringing with him the amazing belief that if we meet people where they are, as they are, instead of trying to get them to change into what/who we think they should be, then we can more effectively spread love to everyone we meet.

patrick didn’t avoid the situations in his life. he didn’t search for the pot of gold, always waiting for what came next. he used the moments in his life as they came. and he lived them to the fullest, faithful to who he was called to be.

last fall i had the amazing joy of visiting ireland (and our good friends) for the first time… and i loved it!! talk about living in the moment & enjoying life as it happens… those 3 days were full of life. so, in honor of the irish –  those fun-loving, jovial, life-living people on the island of green, i pledge to do the same on this day. and i pledge only for today, for those are the moments that matter.

 i took this picture of the river liffey (which means “life”) when we were in dublin.

 living life with my love on a bridge over the river liffey.

who cares what’s at the end of the rainbow?! just look how beautiful the rainbow actually is.

sláinte! (cheers! in irish.) peace.