coming out… of hibernation.

sick
kitchen
spending a lot of time in my kitchen today. feeling a lot of things.

it has taken me 4 or 5 off and on hours to write this. and i’m all over the place. i apologize now for what follows… sorry.

the sun is shining outside and it’s relatively warm. but, i’m still recovering from some crappy stomach sickness that knocked me out while my love & i were gone, so i am inside. listening to a new playlist i made that is made up of all the old songs i listened to during the year that i died and came back to life. i need to be in touch with that girl again. that liz. so sure. so confident. so dreamy and freaking crazy. just closing her eyes and jumping. and knowing in her soul that the leap of faith was always the right decision. i miss that girl.

oh yes, i jumped when i moved to sweden. and it has been amazing. i’ve acclimated and adjusted. and now, i’m ready to jump again. but, right now, i’m not exactly sure who i am. who have i become? how has this journey, this time of living in sweden, affected me? how has it changed my dreams?  i know what i want, but i don’t know how to make it happen. one huge thing that sweden has given me is time. time to explore the writer that is within me. and that writer wants to be let loose! but, how? sweden has also given me a chance to travel and a chance to be cozy at home (thanks to the cozy, dark falls and winters). in some ways, it feels as if i have been hibernating while i’ve been in sweden. and i don’t mean that in a bad way… i mean it in the best possible way.

though, now i’m nearing the end of my self-proclaimed hibernation, or cocoon-ing, and it’s time for me to look back on these almost three years and reacquaint myself with my dreams and hopes, now that i know that i will be moving to asheville. it’s time to tap into my gyspy soul, and to make sure not to stay stuck in the roles that are most comfortable simply because they are comfortable. or because it’s too scary to try anything different. it’s time to to feel the desire to fly, and ignore those who would try to keep me grounded by circumstances in life.

i’ve been saying that moving back to the states feels like an adventure in itself. i suppose that moving back can be seen as this: “oh, how boring. she lived in europe for three years and is now going back to little ole north carolina.”  but, i don’t feel that way at all. if i’m honest, the thought has crossed my mind, but it moves right on as fast as as it came. no, from deep within, i know that this is another adventure. a new one. just as big as moving to sweden almost 3 years ago.

so, speaking of that gypsy soul. and thinking about how i feel today. i realize that a journey of self discovery is what was exactly what was in the cards for me right now.

i do not, capital N O T, want to be that person who dreams and wishes, and just sits there. i do, capital   D.O., want to be that person who thinks crazy things are possible and makes the seemingly impossible happen. hell, i’ve done it once, twice, three, or more times before… why should i stop now?

sick
hibernating in my sick bed this week.

 the other day, i mentioned that i had learned to feel my emotions again in life after a long period of stuffing them down. well, today, the lesson i’ve learned in how to feel how i feel has gotten me feeling every sort of emotion possible (did you follow that?). perhaps it’s because i have been sick for the past few days. like really sick. and now i’m weak and run down. but it’s also everything else. spring, which is depressing instead of energizing me. my love and her fight for life. finishing up and staying on track at work. preparing for the move. feeling physically sick has made me realize that i don’t feel ok mentally, emotionally, or physically right now.

i want to be the carefree spirit i committed myself to being in the beginning of 2013. i want to be the gyspy soul that i feel that i am. but, i don’t feel capable of it right now. i don’t have the energy. and even as i say all of this, i am still working to live in the present moment. to breathe in the beauty of right now. and i am. i truly am. i  notice and bask in the warm sun’s rays spilling into my kitchen. i feel the joy of having my love sleep beside me at night. i adore the snuggles with my cat. i sip slowly on a glass of red. i smile brightly as i notice the green popping out on the trees. i close my eyes and breathe.  i am in the present moment. and yet, somehow, right now, that’s not enough to feed my free-spirited soul.

i know what is waiting for me. i know what i am longing for, what my love is longing for. i know the freedom, the soul-touching feelings we have in the states. and i want them now.

everything that i am writing about today is based on this one thing: i am in a holding period. stuck in between adventures. trying to live a present moment that isn’t the present moment i’d dreamed of, and yet still finding beauty and some peace. but, knowing what lies ahead… all the craziness and the promise of a new chapter in life. i’m nearing the end of my hibernation.

the bottom line is this:

i need to slow down and find a way to accept and enjoy and use these next 3 months here in sweden. i need to let myself wake up slowly. if i use this time to the best of my ability, then i will really search my soul, and give myself a chance to know what i want my next step to be. is it just to move back to asheville and enjoy the life there? or is it to crazily seek out a job that fills my soul, and not just pays the bills? or is it a balance of the two? and if so, where & what is that job? of course it’s not just about jobs either, but our whole life. where we will live, how we will live, how we will spend our time. it’s all so exciting and promising!

as i type these words, john lennon’s song “starting over” is playing through my speakers. and the words, the lyrics. oh my gosh. it was as if the little spark in my chest has just been set on fire. everything is so clear to me…

our life is so precious. together. we have grown. 
our love is so special. let’s take a chance. and fly away. together. 
it’ll be just like starting over. 
it’s time to spread our wings and fly. 
don’t let another day go by, my love. 
it’ll be just like starting over.

 yes! exactly what john lennon (one of my heroes) says… this move brings with it new life. a new, amazing life that my love & i will share. we will fly. and we will live from our souls.

but, for now, i will allow myself to slowly awake from my hibernation.  i will use my time to uncover the deeper places in my self that i found while living in sweden. yes,  for now, i will use the present moment to discover more about who i am because of this hibernation… and who i dream of being in the next chapter of life.

how’s that for taking some time for myself? day 2. check!

hope you are feeling well today, my friends. peace & love.

there has to be something we can do.

john lennon

i’m under my covers, sipping on coffee, safe in sweden, while chaos is unfolding across the atlantic in boston, massachusettes. i’ve got a local boston tv station streaming live and i’m checking twitter every few minutes and the news is unfolding in real time before my eyes & ears.

i tend to do this when big things happen. and it doesn’t have to only be in the states. i was glued to my computer when revolutions occurred in egypt and violence broke out in benghazi, syria, palestine, etc. the question is, do i get too stuck in these things?

24 hour news is an amazing and scary thing. twitter and reddit have changed how news is reported. but, i think i do know when i need to shut it all off and move on. still, i find that it is important, as a citizen of the world, to know what my brothers and sisters all over the world are facing and experiencing. i’m not into sensationalism and speculation, but rather, i feel that in order to be a better person where i am, in order to live a life of peace and spread that peace onward, it is good for me to be aware and updated on current events. and to not only know tidbits, but to try to get a better understanding of what is happening.

for now, my thoughts are with the people of boston. it must be scary and unsettling, knowing that there is so much violence popping up across the area. the current news is not only about what happened at the boston marathon on monday, but what is, at this moment, going on with chases, gunfires, and searches for suspects. people are being asked to stay inside their homes and lock their doors. really scary stuff.

but, i also can’t help but think about people who live in the midst of this kind of violence and fear every day of their lives. there are innocent people in many other countries all across the world who face random acts of violence daily.

all violence is horrible. enough is enough.

it seems too overwhelming, i know, to try to make a change or a difference. but, the only thing we can do, is choose how we will live our own lives, in our own towns, in our own countries. how do we rid this world of so much violence? i have no answers. i only know that we can choose what we prioritize in life…

are we going to be individualists, thinking of only what makes us the most powerful, successful, rich people we can personally be?

or are we going to live as a community, thinking about the greater good for everyone?

peace is not an easy path. in fact, it’s the harder road, which requires more self-discipline. but, i am determined to continue to believe that this world can be a place of peace. i will not give up hope.

john lennonhugs and comfort for all of you today. peace.

 

the sun is gonna shine.

there is one thing that you must know about me, and many of you do. i am a huge beatles fan. h.u.g.e. and, of course, john lennon is my fav (no offense to you other 3 beatles), for many reasons including his undying belief in peace, love, and creativity. still, the beatles as an entire group always touch my soul and make me feel something that i really can’t describe with words. i’m guessing that there are many people all over the world who understand what i’m saying.

i admit that i haven’t really kept up with the beatles’ solo careers (except of course i adore john lennon’s solo/duo career with yoko ono). but, every now and then something catches my attention. and that leads me to this post…

i ran across this on the beatles Facebook page this morning. it is beautiful. the music. the video. the two people (natalie portman & johnny depp are truly 2 of my favorite actors). the instruments. the lyrics. it is something to just soak in.

this is for you, my baby. my life, my everything. my valentine. i love you.

find a beatles song to listen to today that inspires you. and keep the faith that one day, the sun will shine again. and if you have been blessed with someone to share life with, cherish every little moment together. oh, and one last thing, love always wins.

peace. love. understanding. and rainbows.