A white man walked into a church…

but, this is no f*cking joke, people.

this is for freaking real.

a white man walked into an african methodist episcopal church in charleston, south carolina last night and killed nine people. murdered them. because they were black.

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photo from cnn.com

i’m so pissed. and so exhausted. sick from all of the violence. all of the hate.

how many people have to be killed before we wake up? how much more hate can we tolerate? and, honestly, what the hell can we do about it?

if i continue typing right now, i’ll just say the same things over + over again. so, i’m gonna let you read my friend’s (alex), words instead. this is from her post on Facebook. she nailed it.

“What the fuck is wrong with people?! I’m angry. I’m tired of compassion. I’m tired of forgiveness. I’m tired of empathy. Because it’s not fucking working. Saying, “We’ve come so far since the 50s and 60s” is just an excuse in my eyes at this point. Because this is unacceptable. Hate crimes are unacceptable. Police brutality is unacceptable. Racial profiling is unacceptable. Less pay for equal work is unacceptable. Sideways glances are unacceptable.

If you’re sitting on your couch thinking, “Well at least they can vote and go to the same schools and not be turned away for service at a restaurant and live in peace.” WAKE THE FUCK [UP]. We have Voter ID bills passing in state legislation left and right — to disenfranchise minority voters. We have gerrymandered school districts and poverty stricken areas of cities that have underfunded schools and teachers from the bottom of the barrel because we don’t pay them enough to care — all of which are serving a majority of the minority population. We have religious freedom bills passing all over the place that will undoubtedly be used by racist, hate-filled business owners and employees against people because of the color of their skin. AND PEOPLE ARE BEING MURDERED. All of the time.

So stop saying things are better than they were fifty years ago and then doing nothing because you figure it’ll work itself out. Stand up for ALL your neighbors. Stand up when you hear a friend say something racist. Stand up to YOUR OWN racist thoughts and actions. Have those uncomfortable conversations with people. Go to vigils for our fallen friends and neighbors of all races. Show up. Be a warm body in the crowd. Otherwise there’s going to be even more cold bodies dead in the streets and you on your couch running out of excuses.

I mourn these losses in Charleston. And I’m again invigorated to see this through to the other side. Because I believe it’s possible. But it will take every single one of us standing up for what is right in order to make it happen. Are you willing to be a part of this movement?”

you know, it’s infuriating. it’s mind-boggling. and it leaves me feeling helpless + overwhelmed.

but, there is something that we can do. there is something that you can do. there is something that i can do.

black lives matter (1)

photo from my trip to washington, dc in january

i’m talking to you, my fellow americans; and to you, my fellow swedes (where the racist party just keeps growing in numbers in sweden), and to you, my fellow global brothers + sisters.

it doesn’t matter how big or how little your gesture is, just spread the love. spread the peace. make a fucking difference in your life. shine a little light somewhere. anywhere. lead a revolution or just share a smile. but, just freaking do something. (mind you, i’m talking to myself too).

things can change. it is possible. it really, really, really is.

so, join the movement.

spread a message of love and live a life that reflects the belief that ALL LIVES MATTER. let us create together a better, safer, more tolerate, peaceful, just, equal world. it’s time for a change.

i’m in. are you?

onwards + upwards! xoxo

the day that love came to north carolina

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here we are. in 2010. at a rally for marriage equality in raleigh, north carolina. 

yesterday was day one in north carolina.

what does that mean? it means that it was the first day, ever, that same sex couples were finally treated as equals. the first day that same-sex couples received the right to file for marriage licenses and get married. and the first day that my love and i were legally, officially, recognized as a married couple in my home state.

it’s been a long time coming, and for a while, i wondered how long we would have to wait to be able to have the right to marry and build a life with the one that we love. but, tonight i saw same sex couples getting married in asheville, north carolina. like legally married. not a commitment ceremony, but a real live, legal marriage. with paperwork from the government and all. in north carolina!

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it’s a long legal story, that sped up in intensity this past monday after a ruling in virginia struck down the law that defined marriage as only between a man and a women. in other words, it was unconstitutional (illegal). that ruling opened the door for other states to also strike down their own bans on same-sex marriage. north carolina has had a ban on gay marriage for a while now, but i didn’t really believe that the law would be stuck down anytime soon.

so, after a lot of drama and a lot of waiting, and hoping, and wishing, and last ditch political and horrific stalling tactics by republican, and almost giving up, at the last minute on friday night, a judge in north carolina ruled that the ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional (because of what happened in virginia on monday). and then, within minutes, same- sex marriages were allowed to begin. I couldn’t believe it when i saw it in my twitter feed.

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when i saw the news on twitter… i ran to lina. we stood in amazement. just looking at each other. suddenly, within a flash, our marriage was recognized in our state. suddenly we were a married couple in north carolina – with rights and privileges. not just two girls living together. but, legitimately married. it felt amazing. and i could hardly breathe.

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here we are, literally minutes after same sex marriage became legal in north carolina last night. we had to celebrate with a photo of a real, live, legally recognized married couple!

the government offices where you get marriage licenses stayed open late all across the state after the ruling in favor of same sex marriages. and couples poured in to get their licenses, and then immediately get married. there were ministers and clergy available everywhere to marry people right on the spot.

we decided to hop in the car and head down to the government building to be a part of this historic moment, and when we arrived, we saw that there were people milling about everywhere. couples were scattered in groups on the stairs in front of the building, getting married right there. other couples cheered them on. lina and i joined in. it is unbelievable how this truly affects the lives of so many people and so many families. it is so amazing that this has happened. that it is real.

to be clear, lina and i do not have to get married again. we were married in sweden almost 5 years ago, and as of last night, that marriage is now legal in north carolina! so, no ceremonies for us. only celebrations that our love and our marriage is something that is real and valid and recognized now. *deep breath* amazing.

here are photos of the wedding ceremonies and celebrations happening just after the ruling. it was so emotional and powerful and unbelievable…

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the rest of the photos are not mine. i pulled them off of different places on twitter. but, it shows you just some of the couples in asheville that got marriage licenses and got married. what a huge, mind-blowing, heart-exploding day! look at how cute these couples are – and they (along with lina and i) get to celebrate their love – and be recognized as full, legitimate spouses!

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yep. yesterday was day one. the day that love came to north carolina. the day that equality and justice won. i am so proud. so excited. and so overjoyed. and you know what else? it really did feel different walking around today, holding my love’s, my wife’s, hand – knowing that we are not just two women who live together. but, in the eyes of the law of north carolina and the united states, we are legally married. it is a binding contract, affording us the same rights and privileges as opposite gender couples. and i cannot adequately describe to you how incredible this feels.

yesterday, love won.

light + love

my response to your response.

whoa. i am overwhelmed by the response i have had after telling my story about my experience with the UMC and LGBT issues. you people are truly amazing.

thank you!

more than anything, though, i thank you for sharing and spreading my post – on Facebook and twitter and your blogs. keep sharing! but, not to up my readership, in order to get my story out there in an effort to bring about change. i seriously want to speak up for the other LGBT candidates for minister, ministers, and individuals who also find themselves alienated and confused with their home church. so, i’m going to keep writing and posting as much as i can, in as many places as i can. i am going to do what i can, in my way, to bring about change. i promise that.

as for me, just so you know, i am very satisfied and happy with my life right now. i am not pining away, crying in the corner because i am not ordained. while all that has happened surround my inability to be ordained in the UMC has been painful and difficult, i am so certain of the path that i am on. i have left the idea of ordination behind, not so much because i can’t do it = others have kept me from doing it; but i have left it behind because i have taken time in the past few years to search my soul, listen to the silence, and discern my calling to ministry. and what i have come up with is that i do not feel that i must be ordained in order to do ministry. and that comes from my evolving definition of ministry.

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at one point, a long time ago, i learned about the idea of the priesthood of all believers, which is simply the idea that all people all called to ministry of some sort of another. that each of us have passions, gifts, and things to offer to the world that we can use, and are called to use, to make this world a better place, to spread love. all of us. each of us, you and i, have amazing things about us that make a difference to others. why wouldn’t we discover them and use them? and when we do, then we are engaging in ministry – no matter what: faith or no faith, UMC or any other denomination, religion or no religion.

and, since i believe in the idea of the priesthood of all believers, then i am called to ministry every day, and i take part in doing ministry every day that i am being true to myself – and for me that includes writing, mentoring, talking, listening…

ordained ministers are ministers just like everyone else, in the sense that they are called to ministry. what makes them different (in the UMC point of view) is that they are ordained = “set apart” for a lifetime of ministry. and by that, i mean that they have been educated, supported, encouraged, and felt a call from within to live and serve the church with their entire lives. something that i felt and experienced, up to the ordained part. however, after much thought and reflection (and based on my experiences), for me, ordained or not… i am called to a lifetime of ministry no different from my ordained brothers and sisters. i am called to share my gifts, talents, passions throughout my whole life. even though i may not be “set apart” as someone to work in a church, my ministry is something that exists beyond the church organization. this is just something that i have discerned for myself, i am certainly not knocking ordination or my ordained colleagues. this is simply how i hear god calling me at this point in my life.

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there is one thing that i do want to do, though, that might make my ministry more “professional”. something that i have felt called to for a while now. it’s something that i have been considering since i was in seminary 6-7 years ago. one of my professors brought it up, and it resonated so deeply with my soul, though i had no idea how it fit into my life. and haven’t had any idea how to incorporate it into my life… until now.

i want to seek certification as a spiritual guide/mentor. i want to attend a 2 year program, exploring all kinds of spirituality and counseling techniques, so that i can be certified and able to offer my ministry of presence, writing, and mentorship to others in a more professional setting – even through my own practice, perhaps. as i said, this is something that i have felt inside of me for a while now, and i seriously want to consider beginning a program in the new year. mind you, i am not certain that i want to be connected to any denomination or faith, but i also do not want to just be flying about out there on my own.

so, for now. ordination in the UMC is not possible. and by principle, that is totally not ok. but, it is ok in my life right now. it is also not time for me to consider ordination in another denomination that allows me to be ordained, though many people have suggested that i “switch” churches.

what does feel right is to explore the possibility of becoming a certified spiritual direction/guide/mentor. so, that’s what i am going to do.

and what more can i say to all of you, than, i appreciate more than you will ever know, your support, your encouragement, and your presence in my life and on this blog. thank you from the bottom of my heart and my soul for journeying with me as i seek to be faithful to who i am called to be, learning more and more as each day passes.

LOVE AND PEACE.