dedicated to the one with whom i share my life’s adventures. my love, my partner, my wife. my everything.
i love you. always. ♥
while most of you celebrate boxing day or annandag jul (sweden’s second day of christmas) or simply rest up from all of the holiday festivities, my love + i are celebrating our marriage today. that’s right, december 26th is our anniversary!
this year, we celebrate five years of marriage! i can’t believe it has been 5 years already. time flies by, and each year gets better + better. we have been tested through tough times, and have been blessed many, many times over with a life of pure joy, bliss, + adventure. we were married in sweden on a cold, snowy, gorgeous day. have made our homes in sweden and in north carolina, traveled to many countries, met tons of new people, and enjoyed special moments with those who have been in our lives as long as we can remember. yes, we have built a beautiful life together. i have never been happier than any + all of the days that i have shared with my dear lina. she is my best friend, my soul, my ass-kicker, my inspiration, and my absolute everything.
the past year has been a beautiful one, with so many shared memories. and, to honor, the amazing every day moments that we have lived + the incredible, overwhelming adventures we have experienced, i’ve created some collages of us, showing some of our memories throughout the year. my heart is so full!
oh these dark days of advent… they’ve got me all messed up in my head. i am someone who is always positive and i have a pretty good level of self confidence. but, recently, i have started doubting myself. wondering if i will ever accomplish the things that i want to accomplish… and, the shitty thing is, i know exactly what i want, and yet, i don’t do it. well, in some ways i don’t do it. in other ways, it’s all i do. hard to explain.
my love is finishing her last final exam today and what that means is that this part of her journey is over. she has reached her goal and accomplished it all with an amazing amount of success. i have watched her over the past 2 years as she decided what she want, fought for her life to make it possible, made it happen, and then reached her ultimate dream. she is freaking amazing. i am so inspired by her. and i am so ready to celebrate her achievements with her!
she even said to me this morning, with a beautiful smile on her face and a twinkle in her eye, that she has made her dreams come true. and then, she told me that she knows that i will make mine come true too. and i saw and felt her complete belief in me in her eyes.
but i’m not so sure… right now, in these dark days, i’m wondering if i am capable of it (a thought that is usually so foreign to me).
i’m so big picture. so dreamy, with my head in the clouds. i have grand ideas and i plan them all out, but i have a super hard time following through. i cannot focus. i don’t work my ass off like she does. but, oh how i want to. and i know that all i have to do is actually just BEGIN. but, something is holding me back. something like myself. and something else takes my attention. like right freaking now – i am blogging this instead of reading through my journals for my book. what is wrong with me?
[ now, friends, this is not a “poor me” post at all. this is simply me reflecting and being totally honest with myself. i think it’s important to look honestly at ourselves, even if the truth is hard to see and it hurts, to admit. and, if you have read my blog for a while, you will know that this is how i process stuff.]
anyway, just as i was beating myself up more and more – yet so grateful for my love’s complete, unconditional belief in me, i decided to head outside to the balcony for a minute to snap a photo of this morning’s sunrise – something that i have now done every morning in december. when i came in, i looked at the photo for a minute and then stumbled across this quote that i have never seen before:
as soon as i read it, some of the pain + guilt that i feel was released. i realized that there is nothing wrong with me, and there are things that i need to change all at the same time. i’ve got the first part of the quote down pat, i’d say. i’m a pro at building castles in the air and dreaming big dreams, believing that they will come true. the foundation part, the part where you work with the universe to create your dream into reality… not so much. still, according to thoreau, i’m on the right track. and i’ve got people behind me. i always have. my love, being my biggest supporter + cheerleader.
but, i need to figure out what comes next. how the hell do i get stuff moving to the next phase? why am i missing some integral, motivational thing that others have? why do i want something to happen and then don’t want to do anything to make it happen?
of course, i’ve had dreams before… and i have made them come true. and, of course, i know that there is such a thing as timing – that things will unfold in due time, and it will all be better that i had imagined it. so, i know that i must be patient and work with the universe to manifest my dreams. but, i also know that action is freaking required. and right now, for my current dreams, it is here that i am lacking motivation/energy/willpower.
so, i will just send this post out there into the universe. i am not asking for any advice or anything. i am just rambling and talking. what i do ask is that you send some vibes and goo energy out there on my behalf, or think of me. i can use the inspiration. feeling this way is very very strange to me. i never feel down on myself. but, as the season of advent call for, i embrace the little dark, not so great places inside of me. i will sit with them. because know that the light is stronger, and that i will find a way to make shit happen. thanks for listening, dear friends.
what does that mean? it means that it was the first day, ever, that same sex couples were finally treated as equals. the first day that same-sex couples received the right to file for marriage licenses and get married. and the first day that my love and i were legally, officially, recognized as a married couple in my home state.
it’s been a long time coming, and for a while, i wondered how long we would have to wait to be able to have the right to marry and build a life with the one that we love. but, tonight i saw same sex couples getting married in asheville, north carolina. like legally married. not a commitment ceremony, but a real live, legal marriage. with paperwork from the government and all. in north carolina!
it’s a long legal story, that sped up in intensity this past monday after a ruling in virginia struck down the law that defined marriage as only between a man and a women. in other words, it was unconstitutional (illegal). that ruling opened the door for other states to also strike down their own bans on same-sex marriage. north carolina has had a ban on gay marriage for a while now, but i didn’t really believe that the law would be stuck down anytime soon.
so, after a lot of drama and a lot of waiting, and hoping, and wishing, and last ditch political and horrific stalling tactics by republican, and almost giving up, at the last minute on friday night, a judge in north carolina ruled that the ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional (because of what happened in virginia on monday). and then, within minutes, same- sex marriages were allowed to begin. I couldn’t believe it when i saw it in my twitter feed.
when i saw the news on twitter… i ran to lina. we stood in amazement. just looking at each other. suddenly, within a flash, our marriage was recognized in our state. suddenly we were a married couple in north carolina – with rights and privileges. not just two girls living together. but, legitimately married. it felt amazing. and i could hardly breathe.
the government offices where you get marriage licenses stayed open late all across the state after the ruling in favor of same sex marriages. and couples poured in to get their licenses, and then immediately get married. there were ministers and clergy available everywhere to marry people right on the spot.
we decided to hop in the car and head down to the government building to be a part of this historic moment, and when we arrived, we saw that there were people milling about everywhere. couples were scattered in groups on the stairs in front of the building, getting married right there. other couples cheered them on. lina and i joined in. it is unbelievable how this truly affects the lives of so many people and so many families. it is so amazing that this has happened. that it is real.
to be clear, lina and i do not have to get married again. we were married in sweden almost 5 years ago, and as of last night, that marriage is now legal in north carolina! so, no ceremonies for us. only celebrations that our love and our marriage is something that is real and valid and recognized now. *deep breath* amazing.
here are photos of the wedding ceremonies and celebrations happening just after the ruling. it was so emotional and powerful and unbelievable…
the rest of the photos are not mine. i pulled them off of different places on twitter. but, it shows you just some of the couples in asheville that got marriage licenses and got married. what a huge, mind-blowing, heart-exploding day! look at how cute these couples are – and they (along with lina and i) get to celebrate their love – and be recognized as full, legitimate spouses!
yep. yesterday was day one. the day that love came to north carolina. the day that equality and justice won. i am so proud. so excited. and so overjoyed. and you know what else? it really did feel different walking around today, holding my love’s, my wife’s, hand – knowing that we are not just two women who live together. but, in the eyes of the law of north carolina and the united states, we are legally married. it is a binding contract, affording us the same rights and privileges as opposite gender couples. and i cannot adequately describe to you how incredible this feels.
Whoa, life has been busy lately. So crazy… and I have been no where near living any semblance of a regular life. I mean, nothing’s been really bad. A tiny bit of stress, but just so much other stuff to focus on mostly. And, I have been so thankful that I have been here to give my attention to other people and other things for the past 3 and a half months, but I need me time. More importantly, I need me and Lina time.
I’ve been thinking… in addition to communication and respect and honesty, the one thing that I find so important in marriage/relationships is making time for each other. Just the two of you. And, while I’d love to book that ticket to some island and just go dangle my feet in a pool with my love beside me for a week, I know that is not possible. However, it is most definitely possible to set aside time for each other – just my love and me. So, that’s what we’re gonna do. Of course, there are lots of amazing people to see and things to do this weekend, but, we will also carve out time to just sit in our home, stuff our faces with popcorn and wine, and binge on True Blood’s last season. We will make some meals together, drink coffee on the balcony together, and work in our studio together.
Yep, for the next few days, I’m giving all my attention to the one who makes my world go ’round. Happy Friday Eve, peeps!!
last month, my love celebrated her one year life anniversary – it was one year since she was put in the hospital for the second time to help her beat the anorexia nervosa which had taken over her life for the past 10-ish years. that last time in the hospital was the time that made all of the difference – as she is now on the road to recovery and has taken her life back.
however, today is the same in importance, if not greater. today is the two year anniversary of lina’s first visit to the hospital. two years ago today was one of the worst days of my life – and hers too. i remember experiencing it, but feeling like i was having an out-of-body experience at the same time. my love was knocking on death’s door – literally. it was so bad that she had no idea what was going on, her body was shutting down, and her doctors and psychologists had to commit her to the hospital. i went with them, but i remember the complete panic i felt when i had to leave her there. oh, just thinking about it makes my stomach do flips and my heart beat fast. i was terrified. she was terrified. but, she was not my love. the anorexia had taken over completely… i knew that lina was still inside, and i prayed that she would be able to rediscover herself before her eating disorder killed her. oh god, i was so scared.
she stayed in that hospital for three, long, difficult months. she fought treatment, and then she finally found the strength to slowly begin fighting the anorexic monster that lived inside her. she had amazing angels in the form of nurses and therapists around her that made all of this possible. they saved her life… but, of course, it was my love, herself, that actually saved her own life.
as for me, i learned more than i ever thought i would about anorexia, about myself, about living alone in a foreign country, about how to back off & let the health professionals take over my role of caregiver, about giving up control, about how to get my own life back and rid our home of the “third” roommate that had become part of our lives.
but, enough about the past. today it’s all about the present – right now. it’s all about celebrating my love’s life and the life that we share together. and, it is all because my love is the strongest, most beautiful (inside and out!), most amazing woman i have ever known! she is a fighter and a survivor – and i celebrate every little thing about her amazingness today!