how i discovered i was in real deep…

lately i’ve had a few days where i look in the mirror and think to myself as i twist + turn to catch a glimpse of all of my sides, “yep. i feel pretty damn good today.”

are there things to work on? yes, definitely. are there things that i feel not so great about? of course! but, i’m not focused on those things. the overriding feeling is one of power, peace, and pride.

i have no idea where all of this has come from, but i have been dwelling in those feelings for about a week now. and giving mucho thanks-o to the universe for feeling like this. i’m not sure that i have ever felt this… well, confidence and security in myself…. like this before.

me summer 2015

but, when i dig a bit deeper, i begin to uncover where all this just may be coming from.

i have been on an inner spiritual journey since moving to sweden. i’ve been social and had fun and all of that, but i have been doing a lot of inner work. i didn’t really choose to do it, it just has happened.

many of you may know that i am the queen of being. it’s right there, first, in my blog name. be. i can relax with the best of them. i thrive on meditating, soaking up, sitting still, kicking back, sleeping, having long fikas (coffee), gazing at the moon and the stars. i have definitely learned a lot about the art of living in the present moment and being aware. and this is something for which i am super grateful.

i am living a very connected, grounded, aware, peaceful life right now. and that empowers me.

but, the word empower suggests something:  a c t i o n .

and, little did i know it, but there is some action that has begun to surface in my life. it’s called aligning.

i have talked about living an authentic life on my blog before. living life true to yourself, aligning yourself with your purpose, yadda yadda. but, i realize now, that i have been talking about it – not really doing it. that’s not a bad thing, however. i needed to preach it till i reached it.

what i mean, is that all of this talk and thought about alignment has somehow led me to the place of actually beginning to align my life with who i am called to be. my purpose or destiny or whatever you want to call it. it’s really about beginning to not just think about my passions, but to actually live them. to let those passions, which i have discovered by going inward, begin to slipp out into my life.

so, i’ve been shifting and moving from an inner, contemplative focus to an outer, physical one. the changes that have been occurring and growing inside of me, from my soul, are beginning to sprout forth a like a seed in the spring. or, since it is almost autumn here, i could use the analogy that i am beginning to reap what i have sown. i am gathering in the harvest to be used and shared.

basically, folks, shit is happening in my life. and boy, am i in deep.

i’ve crossed a threshold and there is no turning back. i carry all of my meditative, contemplative ways of being with me throughout everyday (because that is how i breathe and stay connected), but a shift has occurred and now i’m all about action.

literally, what has been feeling good and secure on the inside, is now showing up on the outside.

i am taking my inner life and letting it be on display on the outside. all of the energy and peace that i have felt on the inside is now seeping out, ready to make its mark on the world in a whole new way.

this aligning, this matching my inner world and my outer world, is gonna take some time though. it’s not an overnight thing, but a slow, steady transformation that i am experiencing. still, there will be bursts of action, and i have already taken some very specific steps which are thrusting me forward into who i want to be and where i want my life to go (more on that later). i’m committed and i’m in deep.

in the meantime, I’m gonna stand in front of my mirror, take a deep breath and smile as i look at what i see, and then remind myself to get to work.

onwards + upwards!! xoxo

coffee-me

time to dig in

i never get sick. or feel bad. but, let me tell you, for the 2-3 days last week i’ve felt physically, emotionally, and spiritually empty. i have had no energy at all. no desire. no passion. no get-up-and-go attitude. nothing. all i’ve wanted to do is literally lay down. my head has ached. my stomach has ached. my chest + soul have ached. it’s freaking crazy. and i absolutely hate feeling this way.

to be honest, i feel guilty feeling like this. like i should be doing something else. like i am a lazy ass who should suck it up and get a move on… with anything. but, i’ve just been collapsing back onto the sofa or under the covers. which makes me feel temporarily good, with a large amount of guilt still weighing on my shoulders. of course, that doesn’t solve all of the reasons as to why i have been feeling this way.

i know that i’ve got some things that i need to deal with, things that i have discovered as i have done nothing else but feel bad.

i have to figure out who i am.

now, of course, as i have written about before, i know exactly who i am. i have learned so much about myself in the past 7 years. and i also know that i am in the midst of beginning a whole new part of my life. but, this is a whole different perspective, or level, or something.

let’s just look at the facts here:

// i have moved from my home country (yet again) to another country. where i am totally comfortable, and feel like i belong. yet, i don’t ever fully feel like belong. i have to find out who i am now, in this city. in this time in life. and right now, i’m flailing about, trying to keep my head above water in some ways. yet, i know it takes time. it takes quite some time, and i’ve only been here 2.5 months. so, i need to relax and deal with this uncomfortable time of transition. it will not last. and i will find my place.

// my love, who has been sick and diagnosed with anorexia in the past, is now moving into a whole new amazing phase of her recovery. and this affects me greatly. for years, in some ways, my focus was her. she needed me. i fought off the eating disorder monster with her. i cooked for her as she began to eat again. i lived at home alone for months and months while she was in the hospital. for a while our life revolved around her sickness in one way or another. and i absolutely hated all of her suffering and pain, but i was more than happy, honored, to be her wife and to be the one who walked with her through all of this.

// in asheville, as she recovered and began studying, my life, to some degree, reflected hers. of course, i explored many of my own passions also in asheville. but, i more than excitedly supported, cheered, and lived my life focused on her and the rest of my family (since i was back living near them again). it kind of gave me a sense of purpose.

// now that we are in uppsala, life is different. my love is in a whole new phase of recovery. she’s working full-time, living life, discovering who she is on a whole new level. and i am so very proud of her! i have been waiting for this moment for 8 years! but, with it, comes a change in my role. i lose some of my caregiver role, and we rediscover what it means to be partners. taking care of each other. this is new ground for me. totally. and i realize that i am not good at it.

i have chosen to live like this. i am a caregiver in my soul. i want to take care of others. desperately. i feel such joy in being able to live my life for my family – something i learned from watching my parents over the years, no doubt.

not that i was, or ever have been, a total pushover. i mean, i went back to graduate school when i was married to my ex. then i decided to divorce him (a decision totally for me!!). i moved to europe. quit teaching + churching. all decisions for me, for my soul. i have learned a bit about how to live for me, but right now, i understand that it is a whole new level of living for me that i am embarking on.

somehow, somewhere along the line, i think that i never believed that what i want was as important as others. so all of this may not be about taking care of others, but about avoiding myself. perhaps that is something that sits deep within me. i don’t know. right now, though, i feel that it is time to explore that. to let those thoughts go. and to truly, truly, discover what it is to live my life – fully. not just a little bit here + there. but to balance my love for others with my love for myself.

so, it’s time to stop sabotaging myself. it’s time to stop being afraid of success. it’s time for me to give myself permission to fly and explore and freaking believe in myself. it’s time for me to focus on healing my own wounds + scars. time for me to find me again. an even newer + stronger me.

rain

remember the spring equinox/total eclipse/new moon last week? remember i talked about all of the changes and beginning a new life? well, i think that all of that crazy cosmic energy is what is going on behind all of this.

you know, whenever we have some major, inspiring, incredible, overwhelming moment, we are inevitably left with a sense of “what the hell just happened?’, “what now?” kind of feeling. we think that after that, magically everything is perfect and beautiful. spring has come, the weather will be amazing now – only here in uppsala, we have had snow, rain, cold, and gray every singel day since the spring equinox. a perfect symbol of how i feel inside. instead of feeling overjoyed and all fresh + new, i feel heavy, sick, sad, cold, confused.

what i always seem to forget is that, after the mountaintop experience, we always find ourselves in the valley once again. and it’s so hard. but, this is where the hard work takes place. we need the valleys. this is where we have to dig in, face ourselves, and go even deeper into our truth. if it is not a surface change that we are looking for (not like rearranging the furniture), then we have to go to the next level, a deeper level. we have to let go and say goodbye to the old times, and prepare ourselves for new ways of living. and that requires work.

of course, in letting go of some things in life that we have held on to, in those things that we need to “let die” in our life so that we can be born anew, ready for new life, we experience pain, sadness, guilt, and fear. and i’m pretty sure that this is where i am right now. but, after thinking about all of this and remembering the shift of the seasons, i know that i am on the right path. i also remember that these deep, life-altering changes do not happen overnight. no… the inspiration comes, and then the hard, tough work of seeing the changes through arrives. how long that lasts, i have no idea. but, i trust myself. i have seen this pattern, this cycle in my life before.

so, i know, that on the other side of this tough, deep work lies an amazing new understanding. a chance to be transformed and to move closer to being a better, truer, more whole me.

have you felt any changes since the arrival of spring/autumn? have you recognized any things that you need to dig deep into right now? if you have, know that you are no alone. we may not be on the same journey, but we are journeying together, fighting for the same freedom. sending you lots of strength + patience + light.

onwards + upwards!! xoxo

how available are you?

when you don’t have a 9-5 job, or any job with a set schedule, then you tend to be available and flexible. which is a good thing. but, only if you set boundaries. know your limits. and learn how to say “no”. oh, and are disciplined. very disciplined.

working as a freelance writer and photographer, i have come to understand this very intimately over the past year. and i’ve reaffirmed the fact that i do not set boundaries, i am aware of my limits but i ignore them, i have a very hard time saying “no”, and i am not in the least disciplined.

but, at least i am aware of these things. and i am working on them. really hard. i’n no where near perfect, but i think that i’m getting better. i hope so.

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what got me thinking about all of this lately is how busy i have found myself. and how i have been actively struggling to balance my life – though i dare say that i have been successfully struggling. i know that i have been successful (in my eyes) because i feel quite balanced inside. at peace. not freaked out. i did feel freaked out and panicky about 2-3 weeks ago. and i think that’s when the shit hit the fan and i decided it was high time to figure my shit out.

so, i did. now, as i said before, it doesn’t look great in my life. i am every single second trying to balance and decide what to do next (or who to do it for – without forgetting doing stuff for myself), but i am getting a handle on it. i feel like i’ve taken the first few steps. and that feels freeing and empowering.

if i reaaaally want my photography business to grow (and i do!!), then i have to make the time for it. i have to commit to it. and i have to give myself permission to make that happen. so, i have.

camera nikon

at the same time, i want to nurture and grow in my marriage – as my love and i continuously embark on new adventures and journeys and chapters in life. i want to do it together. she is my partner. my everything. and makes life worth living because i share it with her. so, i will always fight to try to make time for us – because she’s my favorite person in the world and there i no one on earth i’d rather spend my time with.

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and then there is my family. my parents + my brother. i love them, and they all have major, major things going on in their lives currently. so, i have been very available for them. giving them moral support and physical support. i’ve been caught up in their lives and their next steps in life, all the while, working on my next steps in life as well. it’s been tough and time-consuming. but, it all came to a certain, freeing point yesterday.

yesterday, my parents got the keys to their new mountain house. yes, they sold their beach house (something that i have not dealt with or thought about or mourned yet – that will come much later), and have moved up here full time. as of yesterday. but, the process over the past month has been taxing on everyone. still, yesterday, as i helped them move stuff out and move stuff in, i felt such peace and pride and joy being there with them. and i had so much fun helping to welcome them back to the mountains – it feels good that we’ve all gathered in one area again.

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now, my brother, he also had something major happen yesterday. he’s been renovating him home for the past 3 years. it’s a 1920s bungalow in downtown asheville – prime real estate people. but, it was in bad shape when he bought it – and he bought with his (now) ex-wife. they had a vision. but he was left with the house and a lot to finish up. after about a year of trying to decide what to do, he decided to go hard at the back half of the house and renovate it and rent it out on airbnb. a great idea!

as of yesterday, the renovations are complete and the first guests checked in!! it not only marked the beginning of his airbnb hosting, but it marked the ending of a personal era for him. it has become a literal moving on. what comes next… none of us know. neither does he. but, it’s clear that one part of his life is over. and i had the pleasure and pure joy or working with my brother pretty intensely over the past month to make this airbnb thing happen.

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so, things have been changing around me. very busy. but, quietly, things have been changing for me as well. just as i close out my responsibilities to my family in this phase, i move on to my first paid wedding photography assignment tomorrow. and it feels amazing. it feels like this could be really real.

and my love and i also are busy changing things too. but, in a patiently waiting kind of phase. we know that big changes for us are coming, but we don’t know when or what or much of anything.

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so, even though i have had a flexible schedule which has allowed me to be available for my family and my love, it has taught me so much about myself. i am so grateful for the chance to be present with these people who mean the most to me – to give my time and my thoughts and my presence over to them. i’m so glad that i am right here with them all…

at the same time, doing all of that, knowing that my purpose, while i have not had a stable job, has been to be with them all, i have somehow discovered more about myself. my passions, my wishes. and i have begun to learn how to balance, how today “no”, how to set boundaries, and how to know my limits….

because, living life to the fullest means learning how to live for yourself and to listen to your soul: how to be available for others, and also for yourself. learning how to live and love in relationships. to prioritize and balance. it’s not always easy, or fun, but it makes life so much richer. and i find myself filled with gratitude and empowerment. i find myself feeling loved and truly alive.

peace + love.