i never get sick. or feel bad. but, let me tell you, for the 2-3 days last week i’ve felt physically, emotionally, and spiritually empty. i have had no energy at all. no desire. no passion. no get-up-and-go attitude. nothing. all i’ve wanted to do is literally lay down. my head has ached. my stomach has ached. my chest + soul have ached. it’s freaking crazy. and i absolutely hate feeling this way.
to be honest, i feel guilty feeling like this. like i should be doing something else. like i am a lazy ass who should suck it up and get a move on… with anything. but, i’ve just been collapsing back onto the sofa or under the covers. which makes me feel temporarily good, with a large amount of guilt still weighing on my shoulders. of course, that doesn’t solve all of the reasons as to why i have been feeling this way.
i know that i’ve got some things that i need to deal with, things that i have discovered as i have done nothing else but feel bad.
i have to figure out who i am.
now, of course, as i have written about before, i know exactly who i am. i have learned so much about myself in the past 7 years. and i also know that i am in the midst of beginning a whole new part of my life. but, this is a whole different perspective, or level, or something.
let’s just look at the facts here:
// i have moved from my home country (yet again) to another country. where i am totally comfortable, and feel like i belong. yet, i don’t ever fully feel like belong. i have to find out who i am now, in this city. in this time in life. and right now, i’m flailing about, trying to keep my head above water in some ways. yet, i know it takes time. it takes quite some time, and i’ve only been here 2.5 months. so, i need to relax and deal with this uncomfortable time of transition. it will not last. and i will find my place.
// my love, who has been sick and diagnosed with anorexia in the past, is now moving into a whole new amazing phase of her recovery. and this affects me greatly. for years, in some ways, my focus was her. she needed me. i fought off the eating disorder monster with her. i cooked for her as she began to eat again. i lived at home alone for months and months while she was in the hospital. for a while our life revolved around her sickness in one way or another. and i absolutely hated all of her suffering and pain, but i was more than happy, honored, to be her wife and to be the one who walked with her through all of this.
// in asheville, as she recovered and began studying, my life, to some degree, reflected hers. of course, i explored many of my own passions also in asheville. but, i more than excitedly supported, cheered, and lived my life focused on her and the rest of my family (since i was back living near them again). it kind of gave me a sense of purpose.
// now that we are in uppsala, life is different. my love is in a whole new phase of recovery. she’s working full-time, living life, discovering who she is on a whole new level. and i am so very proud of her! i have been waiting for this moment for 8 years! but, with it, comes a change in my role. i lose some of my caregiver role, and we rediscover what it means to be partners. taking care of each other. this is new ground for me. totally. and i realize that i am not good at it.
i have chosen to live like this. i am a caregiver in my soul. i want to take care of others. desperately. i feel such joy in being able to live my life for my family – something i learned from watching my parents over the years, no doubt.
not that i was, or ever have been, a total pushover. i mean, i went back to graduate school when i was married to my ex. then i decided to divorce him (a decision totally for me!!). i moved to europe. quit teaching + churching. all decisions for me, for my soul. i have learned a bit about how to live for me, but right now, i understand that it is a whole new level of living for me that i am embarking on.
somehow, somewhere along the line, i think that i never believed that what i want was as important as others. so all of this may not be about taking care of others, but about avoiding myself. perhaps that is something that sits deep within me. i don’t know. right now, though, i feel that it is time to explore that. to let those thoughts go. and to truly, truly, discover what it is to live my life – fully. not just a little bit here + there. but to balance my love for others with my love for myself.
so, it’s time to stop sabotaging myself. it’s time to stop being afraid of success. it’s time for me to give myself permission to fly and explore and freaking believe in myself. it’s time for me to focus on healing my own wounds + scars. time for me to find me again. an even newer + stronger me.
remember the spring equinox/total eclipse/new moon last week? remember i talked about all of the changes and beginning a new life? well, i think that all of that crazy cosmic energy is what is going on behind all of this.
you know, whenever we have some major, inspiring, incredible, overwhelming moment, we are inevitably left with a sense of “what the hell just happened?’, “what now?” kind of feeling. we think that after that, magically everything is perfect and beautiful. spring has come, the weather will be amazing now – only here in uppsala, we have had snow, rain, cold, and gray every singel day since the spring equinox. a perfect symbol of how i feel inside. instead of feeling overjoyed and all fresh + new, i feel heavy, sick, sad, cold, confused.
what i always seem to forget is that, after the mountaintop experience, we always find ourselves in the valley once again. and it’s so hard. but, this is where the hard work takes place. we need the valleys. this is where we have to dig in, face ourselves, and go even deeper into our truth. if it is not a surface change that we are looking for (not like rearranging the furniture), then we have to go to the next level, a deeper level. we have to let go and say goodbye to the old times, and prepare ourselves for new ways of living. and that requires work.
of course, in letting go of some things in life that we have held on to, in those things that we need to “let die” in our life so that we can be born anew, ready for new life, we experience pain, sadness, guilt, and fear. and i’m pretty sure that this is where i am right now. but, after thinking about all of this and remembering the shift of the seasons, i know that i am on the right path. i also remember that these deep, life-altering changes do not happen overnight. no… the inspiration comes, and then the hard, tough work of seeing the changes through arrives. how long that lasts, i have no idea. but, i trust myself. i have seen this pattern, this cycle in my life before.
so, i know, that on the other side of this tough, deep work lies an amazing new understanding. a chance to be transformed and to move closer to being a better, truer, more whole me.
have you felt any changes since the arrival of spring/autumn? have you recognized any things that you need to dig deep into right now? if you have, know that you are no alone. we may not be on the same journey, but we are journeying together, fighting for the same freedom. sending you lots of strength + patience + light.