how the moon teaches you to be authentically you; or the power of a full moon


if you’re like me at all, things may have felt a little stuck lately. like nothing is going anywhere except in circles. i even said to a friend the other day that, while my mind and soul seem quite calm and at peace, my body feels all jittery and filled with energy. i’ve noticed it most whenever i  (try to) meditate. i just cannot seem to shake this feeling that there are balls of energy just bouncing all around within me. restless. unfocused. yearning to be released.

and, while i am breathing deeply and feeling very calm deep within my soul, there is something that is not quite right. and that is making me feel stuck, frustrated, like things aren’t progressing and i am not getting anywhere.

but believe me… things are happening, as they always are.

you know, we have no idea what’s going on, what’s happening as we are living in the moment, but when we look back, we see so clearly + understand so well that so much was going on even when we didn’t and couldn’t recognize or understand at the time.

enter june 2nd’s big, beautiful full moon.

even though it feels like nothing’s been happening, this is the time to have faith in the bigger more amazing life that is out there waiting for us. there is something big happening in the backdrop spiritually that may not be seen yet, but things are moving and bubbling. this is the time to begin to live life more authentically.

and the creative, powerful, magical energy of the full moon is helping to illuminate it all. (if we let it).

even though we feel frustrated + confused, the full moon also gives us large doses of energy. like that restless energy that seems to be bouncing all over my insides right now and for the last few weeks. it feels as if something has been building inside of me, and now is the time when the energy all around me is just begging me to let it out. it’s time for me to express myself.

it’s like i want to jump on things, get ahead, get busy. but, get busy doing what? i have no idea. which is a signal that i need to go within a bit before i get jumping on things.

it is great (and uncomfortable) to let that energy move around inside of us, inspiring us, but to also hold back a bit. to let the energy and beauty of the moon soak into us, grounding ourselves and bringing to light the things that are deep within us. things like our deepest desires and intentions. so, though we feel like jumping ahead, it’s a perfect time during this full moon to actually slow down and let the energy ferment and transform us. it’s time to discern and trust our intuition. time to let our higher selves, our spiritual selves, our soul, guide us right now.

there is so much for us to discover deep within.


so, it’s time for us to stop trying to figure things out, and to just be. to just feel. to just live. to just keep on keeping on. it’s time to trust.

and, when we do that, when we slow down, then it becomes much easier to trust the wisdom that is within. we already know and have everything that we need. it’s just to let it all be revealed to us. and a full moon can help us do just that.

of course, when i say that we need to just sit and be does not mean that we are inactive. the way to deal with the frustrations of the day, with the feelings that nothing is happening is to ground ourselves: to meditate, get outside in nature, journal, create art, let music flow, rest, cook, sleep and rest, spend time alone.

when we reconnect with our soul, then we can finally begin to discern our personal truth.

this is the time for us to express our authenticity. to live from our soul, to be totally free to be who we are. but, in the excitement of living authentically, three is the balance of discernment + discovery, of taking the time to hear what our soul is saying to us. to not just jump on any- and everything, but to really sit with ourselves and feel our intuition guiding us in finding the way to live life fully as we are meant to live.

full moon

the truth we are searching for is our personal truth. under the full moon we gather all of our dreams, hopes, ambitions, desires, passions, and goals. this full moon reminds us of the potential of living life in our own truth, that anything is possible as long as we remain in our personal truth.

it is not time to listen to all of the practical murmurs from others all around us, but instead time to listen to what our souls need, to live into our birthright and to live life as we are created to live it.

the full moon reminds + inspires us to live authentically.

it’s time to discover who we really are, to dig deep + ground ourselves in some simple practices that help us listen to our souls. and, as june progresses, as we continue to uncover + recover who we really are, our life will become that much more worthwhile and we will be prepared to live a life that makes a difference to others and to the world around us.

this full moon can help us take the next steps in living life to the fullest, to finding a higher, more spiritual way of experiencing life.

she will be full and magical and powerful. it’s time for us to tap into our authentic selves and soak in the energy that tells us that everything is possible as long as we keep to our personal truth. feel it. listen to your soul.

believe in yourself and discover what it means to live life on your own path.

onwards + upwards! xoxo


5 things to do while you’re sitting in your sh*t

“Disappointment, without anger, is the mark of an old soul. Not being disappointed, Liz, is the mark of a really old soul. And trusting life so thoroughly that every step on its path is valued more than where it was supposed to take you, is the mark of eternal youth.”

You hottie,
The Universe (14 may 2015)

yesterday i got a rejection email following up on an interview i had aw week or so ago. they said it was stiff competition between me and another person. i felt pretty good about the job. or did i? i don’t know these days. it’s hard to not let my desperation to find a job and make money not override my sense of who i am and how i want to live my life. in any case. it feels sucky that they decided to go with the other person.

now, i can choose to focus on the things that go wrong, or scare me, or make me wake up in the middle of the night and fill my head with anxiety, or bring me down.

or, i can choose to focus on things that make me feel good. whole. complete. and down right ok with everything, choosing to trust that things will work out.

by focusing on the good, i am not eliminating or running away from the bad. nope. i still feel it all. and i let myself feel it for a bit.

my brother likes to call it “sitting with it.”

you sit with your shit. just let it be. just let yourself cry. or curl up into a ball. let yourself have a bad day, a day when you feel off. let yourself unwind. admit to yourself how things really are. all of which i did last night and this morning.

and while you’re sitting with it, might i suggest a few things to help you get through. just so you know, friends, these are 5 things i’ve done this week. 5 things that have reminded me to smile + to breathe. even though i’ve not been feeling tip top. even though disappointment + stress are following me around. still, these 5 things, have helped me to maintain as much balance as possible.

1. express yourself (talk. express what you are feeling, or not. just get some positive people around you.)


wedding planning with lina’s brother + his fianceé. lina + i are the reception emcees!

2. get inspired (listen to music, play music, read, create art, write, look at art, take some photos, cook/bake)


my work space for the past 2 weeks: writing my book always refocuses me.


made a yummy dinner!

3. watch something on netflix/tv (just veg for a little bit)


a glass of wine + some tv. yesssss.

4. go inside (and by inside, i mean, inside your self. light some candles + meditate.)


my little sitting place for morning meditations.

5. go outside (get moving. exercise. change your environment. fill your wild soul with some nature.)


a walk by the river in downtown uppsala


the sun was shining, so i had to get out + walk in my neighborhood.

there is a fine line, though, i think between letting ourselves just sit with it, and getting stuck.

there is nothing wrong with redirecting our attention. you know, avoidance. by going to exercise, or surrounding ourselves with someone who lifts our spirits, or obsessing over beautiful things on pinterest, or watching our favorite netflix series, or just sleeping. anything that calms us down and gives us a little sense of peace of mind for a little bit is a good thing.

but there’s a deeper way of “sitting with it”. once we’ve gone away from the pain and disappointment for a bit, then i believe it’s time to deal with it. and by that, i mean to reflect on it, analyze, ponder, question, and yes, feel whatever feelings bubble up. the point is to understand what is going on and why we are feeling this way. and, of course, this can be done alone or with someone else. i personally prefer a little of both. but, it needs to be done.  it is a necessary part of moving on.

then, it’s time to stand up again.

there comes a time when we just need to choose to say that we are done with this shit for now. and that’s when the action starts. that’s when everything changes. that’s when we begin to move on.

sitting with it is healthy i think. it means that we admit that things are not great. and that we don’t run away from those feelings and thoughts of things being not great. but, sitting with it means that we also take an active role in making it better. we don’t just sit there, like a lump on a log, crying “poor me!”. we admit that we feel that way, and we don’t judge those feelings, but then we begin to wonder why we feel that way and what we can do to move past those feelings.

so, whenever you feel like crap and you’re having a day from hell. admit it. feel it. and don’t feel bad about it. redirect yourself towards something that you enjoy, something that makes you feel calm. and then, do the work to help you get yourself out of the shit. figure stuff out and know that you will not feel like this forever.

and then, stand up, brush yourself off, and start moving forward again.

sending you lots of love + courage + strength.

onwards + upwards! xoxo


meditation mondays: get alone + discover your dreams

this past weekend i hibernated at home mostly. something that i absolutely must do every now and then. ok, ok. i want to hibernate at home more often than i want to admit. but, i chalk that up to my introverted nature. i mean, a meditating vacation + pilgrimage to india sounds like heaven to me. but, so does a road trip across europe or the states.

oh, sure, i am a people person – as in i love meeting people, traveling + experiences different cultures, and challenging myself to put myself out there as much as possible. so, somewhere along the way, somehow, someday, i learned the art of balancing my introverted nature with the extroverted actions needed to follow my bliss. but, my inner soul is an old soul, yearning to sit with a cup of coffee, or a glass of wine, reading, writing, meditating, pondering, chatting, just being. this is when i feel the most connected to myself + to the world.

so, ultimately, i crave time alone. i need it like we need air to breathe. and by time alone, i mean it in three different ways: time spent truly all by myself, time spent only with my wife, and time spent with one or two friends/clients/students/co-workers. this is where i thrive. on the other hand, i also thrive when speaking in front of people, telling stories, inspiring + challenging them. i know. i’m a bit of a mixed-up, both/and kind of person.

but, at the end of the day, for all of the time that i spend with people, i need to be by myself. i need to find some solitary moments every single day to check in with myself, to remind myself what is important in life, to listen to my soul, to reflect and dream and plan. my alone time helps to keep me centered and aware and present. i’m like a living, breathing labyrinth journey. daily walking the path into the center of the labyrinth in order to be alone. and then walking back out again, ready to engage the world. my alone time is my reset button. my reminder of who i am + who i want to be.


this weekend, in the midst of all of my cozy time reading, writing, and vegging in front of the tv, i also had some time to soak up the presence of others. one tiny little part of a conversation a stuck with me. it was about dreams. someone told me that they don’t have dreams. they have never really thought about it. this is something, i realized in that moment, that i take for granted.

doesn’t everybody dream?

yes, i believe so. but, i believe we bury our dreams deep inside us. then, especially as we grow older, we forget about them. or we assume that our dreams are silly and impossible. we completely empty our brains of the thoughts that dreams are a part of life. it’s not that we become cold or hard or bitter, we just move on. we just keep doing what we do. and dreams become irrational fairy tales.

somehow, because of some of the things that have happened to me/i chose to make happen (i.e. the break-up of my first marriage, quitting my job, leaving my home country), i opened myself up to the dreams that i had years ago. or, perhaps, my introverted, carefree, idealistic nature never let those dreams go. whatever the reason, i made a conscious decision to do everything that i can to make my dreams come true. and i mean that i literally, consciously said to myself that i refused to let myself grow old and be that person who looked back on her life saying, “i wonder what it would have been like to…” or “i wonder if i had done…”. yes, i literally consciously had a moment when i decided that those questions would never, ever be a part of my life. no way was i going to fill my one, short life with anything less than magical moments, adventures, and love. and in that moment, anything became possible. dreams became goals. i realized that there are no hinders, no problems, no impossibilities. only solutions.

however, also in that moment, i had no idea what my dreams were. really.

and now, seven years later, i realize that dreams evolve and change. and, when you realize one dream, another one appears. or, perhaps one dream you had morphs into something completely different. or, you dreamed one thing, and it turned out to look completely different than you had planned. it’s not always easy to hammer down what our dreams are.

and, that’s why i love being alone. that’s why i need to spend time alone.


i need to let myself dream and wonder and be in awe. it’s not about living for the future, but it is about living in the present and feeling what your soul is saying to you right then and there.

but, when my alone time is over, then it’s time to get out there + make those dreams happen, always returning back to myself to check in and listen to my soul again. remember, the labyrinth thing?

yes, we are all wired differently. some of us love the attention and energy of being around crowds of people. and some of us love the quiet, solitary moments alone. most of us are somewhere in between. but, all of us need both. it is a balancing act. and we all teeter one way more than the other. the challenge is to let ourselves spend some time alone or push ourselves out into the world. both places are where we find inspiration. we hear our soul and we encounter the souls of others. and this, in the middle this balancing act, is where dreams are born. dreams that most definitely, with a little bit of openness, trust, and a whole lot of work, can be made a reality.

all we gotta do first is believe.

onwards + upwards!! xx

do you take the time to dream? what are your dreams right now in life? share them with me – and i’ll cheer you on!


your path is beautiful + crooked + just as it should be

with a new move, comes a lot of practical things to take care of. i mean, we have to deal with reality. not everything is dinners out + trips + meeting up with old friends. just now, lina and i are frantically searching for a place to live in uppsala  – where we will be moving to in one week because her job begins next monday. of course, i’m sending applications all over the place right now to find some kind of work as well. it is absolutely necessary to deal with all of these kinds of things in life, and prioritize what we can do + what we want to do.

all of this uncertainty is stressful + scary. nothing that i haven’t dealt with before in life, or will deal with again. still… it’s high stress. and the only way i can deal with all of the fear and uncertainty is to reconnect with my soul.

the other day, we took a walk through a park here in norrköping. the air was crisp, snow hung on the trees, + it was simply magical. we just had to get outside to soak it all up…

IMG_0100 IMG_0101 IMG_0104 IMG_0135 IMG_0115 IMG_0120 IMG_0124 IMG_0133

the path may be uncertain, crooked, sideways, uphill, downhill, dark, unknown, scary, exciting, and so much more. but, one thing i am most certainly always certain of is, that whatever path you are on, whatever path i am on, we are exactly where we are supposed to be. if we can grab on to that thought and breathe through it, sucking out the beauty of each + every mundane day, then we can make it.

how about it. let’s all promise to take a few moments to sip on a cup of coffee or step outside or do some yoga or play some music today, ok? let’s do it for our souls. because, i fully + completely believe that when our souls + spirits are calm, then we tap into the powerful energy + inspiration that resides deeps inside us and connects us all. and then, we are empowered to keep on moving. we are energized to become more. we are ready to create and do and live. ahhh.. i can almost feel the power rising from within me!

onwards + upwards!


trust yourself: everything you need is within you

listen to the wind, it talks. listen to the silence, it speaks. listen to your heart, it knows. – native american saying

good evening, friends. i hope that you have had a good weekend. here, in my little corner of the world, i am feeling satisfied + peaceful after sneaking away with my love to atlanta for about 36 hours to refocus + recharge with some good friends (more to come on that on tuesday!). but, now, i am focused on winding down the first week of my meditation mondays series – and it feels pretty good.

me. right now. as i type to you.

me. right now. as i type to you.

last monday i started this new series, and i challenged myself (and you, if you are so interested) in taking a little vision quest journey, as native american children have done in the past. i’m not sure if they still practice this today, but i sure do hope so. in any case, my meditation on monday introduced us to the idea of taking our own quest throughout the week = taking some time to just be + listen to our souls. a chance to reconnect with ourselves + discover to what the universe may be calling us to next in life.

for me, there has been no clear message slapping me in the face this week, rather lots of little things, that, had i not been deliberately trying to slow down + pay attention, i would have totally missed.

once again, my soul reminds me that i am a writer. that all i want to do is write + travel, and travel + write. and, even as things are changing right now in my life (more to come on that at a later date), i am reminded once again to stick to what my soul says.  scary and uncertain as it all may be, my soul knows me.

friends atlanta walking avondale lake autumn

now, before i let this vision quest thing go and prepare to move on to next week’s meditation mondays theme, i want to address something that we all often struggle with: guilt!

all this talk about the soul sounds a lot like me, me, me, me, me! egocentric. self-centered. selfish. but, my friends, it isn’t. not when you focus on yourself in the hopes of growth + transformation. now, only thinking about what we want next or what we want now, is one thing. meditating and turning inward is something completely different, i believe. something that is necessary in order to remain aligned + attached to our soul – because when we do that, when we attach ourselves to our true inner soul, then everything that flows out of us is done with love and compassion. therefore, when we go on a little quest to discover our personal legend or our calling at this time in our lives, then we are seeking ways to be true to who we are, which, in turn, makes us better people – who then make a difference in the world.

the native americans have a belief that life can be described as 4 concentric circles, with the first and inner circle being our self. the next one, our family and community. the 3rd one, the animals + the earth + all of humanity. and, the last one, spirituality. this is freaking genius, i believe.

native american values life

this is my little image that i created to show you what i mean. life begins at the center – at discovering who we are as unique individuals. but, we expand outward. in fact, everything in life is fluid, flowing back + forth through all of the circles, crossing lines, all connected and affected by one another. and, yet, unified as one circle. how beautiful is that?

this week, we went on a quest, a personal journey. starting tomorrow, we will begin to meditate on the next circle – family + community. using who we are, how do we impact those that are closest to us? what do the native americans have to say about the importance of family + community?

but, for tonight, i want to leave you with a bit of music from my native november playlist (see the left column for a link) for inspiration. listen + ponder. and be secure in who you are. you have everything you need within you:

light + love. xx

see you tomorrow for a new meditation!

and we’re off!

my love and i don’t mess around when it comes to celebrating. nope. and in honor of the fact that lina just completed her last final exam for the semester and her first full year at an american university (and did an amazing job at it!), we are gettin’ outta dodge = it’s time for a road trip!

school’s out and we’re headed to the beach! like, today. right now. so, see ya later peeps. we’ll only be gone for a few days – because lina’s mom and 2 of her aunts are coming to visit for a week! i know, tons of excitement right now, right?!


wishing you a fantastic week wherever you are – and wherever you are, seek the peace within that reminds you that you are exactly where you need to be (even if you don’t want to be there). hold on… because, you already have everything you need within you. we all do. and all we need to do is connect with our true self, with our soul, with the universal flow of peace and love that runs through us all…

but, more about that in another post. for now, it’s windows down, radio on, and beach-bound!

peace out. xx

living like a lily.


oh lord, here we go again. what is wrong with me? why can’t i just trust the process? here i am, finding myself without my 40 day blog project, and feeling panicky. again. a clear case of the “i don’t know what to do next” blues. of course, i also know that everything always works out, even better than i usually plan or imagine. so, i’m actually beating myself up about feeling panicky because i know that there is NO NEED to feel panicky. everything is always fine.

and, i mean, hey. i’ve still got my newspaper gig, which gives me an article to do every 3 weeks or so, but i need more. but, what more could a girl ask for at this point? i mean, my dreams keep coming true. so, why am i complaining? well, i’m irritated at my restless worry that has popped up immediately when i have a little down time or transition time. really i am pissed at myself for knowing the lessons learned, but not being able to trust them. gaaaahhh, i irritate myself.

or i feel guilty. perhaps that’s it. the question is, is it legitimate guilt or is it just societal pressures and me falling prey to conforming? today i am feeling pressure to be practical and not dreamy. and that’s so not me. aaaaand, if i remember correctly, i learned that the last time i freaked out and tried to make practicality my main thing, it blew up in my face and i learned a great lesson – or so i thought. if i learned my lesson, why am i back here again? fighting the same old fight. practicality vs purpose.

one thing i do know for sure is that over the past few months i’ve learned that the wind doesn’t necessarily just take you wherever you are supposed to be, not even for a free spirit like myself. you (i) have to make things happen as well. it’s a crazy balance between being free and open, and being active and determined.

that would be all well & great with me right now, if i had something that was motivating me. some “new project” to focus on and chase. but, i don’t know what that is. what comes next? that’s the big question. i created a purpose for myself and suddenly that purpose is gone. and i’m feeling all restless and nervous.

i know exactly what i am supposed to do, though. it’s time to refocus on who i am called to be, and to separate the soul from the societal, cultural expectations. good lord. i exhaust myself.


so, i started this new yoga/meditation series on gratitude yesterday. i listen to a guided meditation and looked at beautiful nature videos. sounds cheesy, but my brain needs the guidance right now. silent meditation just doesn’t work – my mind goes everywhere. non-stop. so, i’m being guided. and yesterday’s time was really great, and appropriately all about purpose, finding and living our purpose in life. perfect. good.

today’s meditation. not. so. much. do you know what?! i clicked on “day 2” and saw that there was only an audio part. the video part was missing, or so i thought. nooooot. i just happened to see some comments at the bottom of the page where people were expressing their disgust at discovering exactly what i had just discovered: in order to watch the videos for the rest of the 21 day period, you have to pay. UGH. now, as if my own irritation at myself wasn’t enough, i was supremely irritated with this money-grubbing scam. oh, how nice that they “let” us see the video for free on the first day, without even so much as  alerting us that we would have to pay for every other day. sneaky and sucky.

i shut down my computer and decided that i would do this meditation thing all on my own anyway – wandering mind and all. my mind did wander. it was a really short time of meditation (like 3 minutes) and then i was up and wondering what i would do next. unable to come up with a “project” or purpose, and still feeling guilty for not having come up with anything. unable to think of a new project or of any thanksgiving stories to pitch to the newspaper, i did what any good wife would do… i cleaned. i cleaned the whole apartment. even vacuumed, which i loathe. just to get my mind off all my restless guilt. (and the apartment needed cleaning).

after cleaning, i got dressed and planned to head out to vote and do some wifely grocery errands, when suddenly my phone plinged with an email. my editor sent a story suggestion for me. wait, what?! a story assignment?! YES! she asked if i could do a quick turn around story and have it to her by monday about a gluten free bakery that employes & teaches homeless & at-risk youth to be published in the thanksgiving issue of the paper. hell yeah, i could do it!  thanksgiving, community service, bakery goodies, at-risk/homeless  youth, and a female buddhist monk (yes she calls herself a monk!) running it all? hell yeah times two!

so, here i am. late afternoon. email sent to try to meet these amazing people and get started on my story tomorrow. ready to make dinner soon. and feeling….



this time, it feels like the wind did just blow me in the direction in needed to go.

you know, all this has gotten me thinking. about what we need. we need to be needed. we need to have a purpose. but, it’s not some secret thing that some big god in the sky knows and we have to figure it out. i don’t believe that there is this grand plan and a big book with our name on it, and we are supposed to spend our lives figuring out what it is we are supposed to do, what’s written in that book – like some crazy destiny puzzle. fuck that. that’s too much damn pressure. and just down right mean.

no, instead, i think that it’s much more about our souls. about knowing who we are on the inside. about what makes our soul sing. what makes us want to wake up every day. what gives us chills and touches us to the depths of our inner being, so much so that we feel like we either might burst or cry, or both. it’s being aware of those moments that take our breath away, that just are… perfect – and we cross some threshold, or have some vision or feeling that this is it. this is who i am.

because, in the end, it’s much, much more about who we are, than what we do. when we are true to who we are, everything we do will be a gift to this world, everything we do will make a difference. because everything we do will be bubbling up from our soul and we will be living into who we were created to be, not what we think what we must do.


there is a passage from the bible that just popped into my head (to be honest, that hasn’t happened in a while). it is found in two different books (matthew & luke, in the new testament). and it’s about lilies in a field and what they do. guess what those lilies do… they do nothing. they just are. just being the flowers that they are supposed to be. and from that being, that authentic way of living, they grow. they become the flowers they were created to be, offering fragrance and beauty to the world.

oh, what we can learn from those lilies! imagine how much beauty and joy and fragrance we can give to the world, simply by being who we are, by being true to ourselves. by not seeking to be what others think or wish we would be, but by just being… who we are.

what we’ve gotta do – what i’ve gotta do – is trust ourselves and trust the process. we have got to dig deep and find the courage to let go of the fear of being who we are, even if that takes us down a road that seems so different from everyone else’s road. if we simply sit with ourselves and listen to our souls, we will discover and know who we are created to be.

yeah. i have made that journey. i have walked that road of getting to know who i am. that’s the first step. but, now that i know, do i have the courage to just be? do i have the strength to just live as i am, be who i am, and let all the other expectations fall by the wayside? can i fight the urge to do the practical thing and simple rest in who i am?

you know what, i do. i can. i will. even when i have crazy, restless, guilty moments in the future, i will remember (as i have done now) what the truth is. i will remember what is true is that each of us are created uniquely, in the image of something sacred, with a divine spark inside us, making us who we are: connected to each other & this entire world, and yet, fiercely independent and amazing as ourselves. i will remember these things once again, the next time that i feel all freaked out and scared. and with each day that passes, i will know that i am becoming more and more the person, the individual, the part of this world that i am meant to be…. fully me.

you see, being true to who i am, who i feel called to be (a writer, mentor, theologian) will allow me to make a greater difference than trying to fit myself into some preconceived box that seems acceptable to the world. so what that my life is different? so what that i live a little bit more crazily than society deems practical? if i, if we, don’t follow our dreams and listen to our soul, then we miss out. and, for me, my wife, my family, my friends, and the world misses out on me and you being as beautiful and as fragrant as we are meant to be.

so, that’s it. lesson learned. again. time to live like a lily.

peace and love.

when you just know what you know.

image from pinterest.

image from pinterest.

sitting at a coffee shop right now, feeling completely blessed and inspired. i’ve got all these connections, vibes, and amazing things going on today. wow. i’m excited. overwhelmed…

i’m just breathing it all in. soaking it all in. and preparing to give it all back.

happy wednesday, lovely people. peace & love.

i got the monday confusion blues.

hi y’all. i want to blog. desperately. but, i don’t know what to blog about. yes, my life is all new again living here in asheville. yes, it’s extremely exciting and all that. yes, i am so happy about being here that  i can hardly contain myself, and i am grateful beyond belief, but i’m stuck. or uninspired. and yet, crazily inspired at the same time.

i don’t know. perhaps it’s a little bit of a post didn’t-get-the-job-i-didn’t-want-anyway and don’t-know-what-i’m-gonna-do kinda blues. perhaps it’s the the-move-is-now-over-and real-life-begins-again anxiety. it’s like post-move depression. we worked intensely on preparing to move for the 3 months before we moved, but actually, the process began about a year ago. so, some sort of this-is-now-over-let-down is surely normal. right? oh geez. i’m such an ex-pat trying to readjust.

on top of the adjustment issues, i have this job issue. i have a bunch of ideas. but i need a plan of action. that’s what i’m not so good at. the action part. i’m great with the big picture, the vision, the mission, the theory, the ideas. the feelings, and intuition. i’m crap when it comes to executing all of the ideas, plans, and visions. where do i begin? what to i do first? how do i make things happen?

in the past, things usually just happen or come to me. but, right now, i feel pressure to go out and hunt. or to make things happen, instead of waiting. and that is not my forte. and it looks like i won’t be teaching anytime soon. and i certainly will not be working in a church. so… hmm. i have to get creative. which is fine, since i’ve got ideas out the wazoo. but, i don’t know how to whittle all those amazing ideas down to making things happen.

for example, this book that i want to write. i have not figured out how to just sit down and write. it just comes when it comes. and when it does, it flows and i know that i am experiencing something amazing and everything is just as it should be. problem is, it only comes every now and then. when the stars are aligned or something. and no book, or anything else is gonna get written by waiting for the gods to send me a message.

the thing is, i’ve never actually tried to force myself to sit down and write. every. single. stinking. day. so, who knows? i could do it (?). it could actually work for me… or what if i took this blog and created a book from it? that would be cool. something on my swedish years. but, i don’t know where to begin (not literally, duh. of course i would begin with moving here. but, then there’s a whole background story as to how i wound up in sweden. do i write that? ugh.). i don’t know how to begin. what would my theme be? what would be the purpose of me putting this out? just a daily record? or inspirational thoughts? or a whole freaking memoir. there are so many ways to go. so many freaking options. this, of course, goes for my book idea as well. better yet, is my book idea and this “the sweden years” idea one in the same? or two different writings?

do i begin with my divorce 5 years ago? or earlier? with my relationship with lina? with my move to denmark? sweden? where do i begin? who is my audience? what am i trying to say? i can’t figure it out, people. and all that rolling around in my head right now makes it impossible for me to even blog.

of course the answer is just to begin. somewhere.

but, let’s look at the bright side of things. 

at least now… finally… i know exactly what i want to do, who i want to be, how i want to live: write. photograph. reflect. talk. travel. and write some more. i know what makes my soul sing & dance. i know how my gifts can be used. i just don’t know where to use them or how to get someone else to want them as part of their team. journalism is an idea, perhaps. even though i have no formal training. a PhD, perhaps, is another option. so, my vision is as clear as glass. how to make it happen. not so much.


ok. i have rambled on enough tonight. tomorrow is a new day, a new opportunity. the thing is, i know that this is a huge turning point in my life right now, and a chance to make some big transitions in my professional life. i just wish there was a road map or a guide to help me along the way. i’m overwhelmed by all of the opportunities fighting for my attention. i don’t know which one to choose, and i’m scared i’m just gonna grab onto whatever comes along next, out of desperation to have a job. when, right now, i am certain is the time to make some pretty huge changes. to follow through with my dreams and make them happen. for real.

and then, i’m right back to where i started. sitting here with a pretty amazing vision, yet overwhelmed by how to make it happen.

hmm.. before i moved to denmark (2 years before sweden), i made some pretty crazy decisions, had some pretty out there visions & dreams & ideas, but i made them happen anyway. how did i do it? well, i just did it. literally. resigned from my job. sold my stuff. and did it.

if i did it back then, without all of the life knowledge and experiences that i have under my belt now, then certainly i can do it again. in fact, i just did it again. same story. resigned my job. sold my stuff. and moved to asheville. however, i am not the same person i was the first time i did this back when i moved to denmark. then, i had no idea what i wanted. now i do. i’m so much more sure… of everything. and settled & whole. in my soul. with my love.


ok. that’s it. tomorrow i’m making a big, long-ass  list. and then i’m gonna whittle it down to the most important priorities. and then, i’m gonna search for places/people to contact in asheville. i’m hitting the pavement. and, dammit, i’m gonna make my dream a reality. come what may.

because, come what may, i know my soul. and i am certain that all will be well with my soul, as long as i trust. have faith. and stay attached.

thanks for listening. i truly feel better. peace & love.

i’m ok… even though i got an email.

you know what? i don’t want a job that might not be a place where i can be 100% me. i don’t want a job where i have to perhaps pretend that part of my life doesn’t exist. i don’t want a job where i am not seen as a whole and complete and perfectly ok person just as i am. i will not settle. i will not bow down. i will not give in.

instead, i will keep on being me. tattoos and all. same-sex marriage and all. liberal thinking and all. idealism and all. theology and all. and if this blog, or anything else in my life, is getting in the way of me getting a job… well, then, that job’s not for me.

as you can tell, i did not get the teaching job i interviewed for on monday. they told me that they would call the person they offered the job to and email the others on friday. well, i got an email. and, you know what? i’m totally ok with it. panicky about getting a job period. but, i know in my soul, and i knew it before the interview, that teaching in a public school was not for me. it’s just not me anymore. oh, i’m still a teacher. but, in a different way. you can’t move to another country for three years and come back in exactly the same place, ready to pick up where you left off. it doesn’t work like that. at least not with me.

a birthday card from my parents. circa mid-90s.

a birthday card from my parents. circa mid-90s. i found it yesterday. the perfect pick-me-up.

now, this job that i interviewed for, they did not turn me down based on anything except that there was a more qualified person, as far as i know. that’s all the email said. but, during my interview, they asked me this question:

“do you have Facebook?” and then, “what would i find if i was to type in your name on Facebook and see your page?”. during the interview i panicked. inside. on the outside i was as cool as a cucumber. i knew i was interviewing at an elementary school in small-town, southern usa. would they see my same-sex marriage? would they see links to my blog? would they see social issues that i support, like healthcare and welfare and voting rights and the right to choose? would there be something incriminating (to them) on there? i had no idea. they explained the question by saying that the school was in a small town where parents would google me or look me up & check me out, so hopefully i didn’t have any shots of me in a string bikini. which i didn’t. are bikini shots what they were really worried about? perhaps. but, i don’t know.

still, it’s a small town. so half of my life is incriminating and wrong, if you look at it through conservative christian, southern, rural, north carolina eyes. sigh.

so, did this play a factor in me not getting the job? i have no idea. perhaps not. but, you know, it actually doesn’t really matter to me. i learned something about myself because of this whole process.

i cannot live a divided life ever again. i simply must be able to be who i am, as i am, wherever i am. and, i mean, i’ll expect and offer the exact same thing to you. bottom line: i don’t think i’m a horrible person. i am not out to hurt anybody. and i am not a mistake, wrong, a threat, or anything else. i am simply me. and, to be honest with you, all i want is to live and work and play and be… in a world filled with harmony, peace, and equality. and i want the same thing for you. is that so wrong?

for the most part things felt really good after the interview on monday. there was a really good, loving vibe in the school. and i am certain that, personally, the two people who interviewed me would have seen me as an ok, educated, caring person.

but, that’s just how all the individuals felt in the united methodist church felt when my candidacy was rejected three years ago because i was married to a woman. all of the individual people didn’t have a problem with me. they were just following the rules. and perhaps the two at the school didn’t have a problem with me either, but were “concerned” about how parents and the community would react to me (still i have no idea if this was a factor, i remind you).

the problem is, it’s all well & good that people individually support me. but, how long are we going to just follow the rules? how many more people are we gonna sacrifice because we don’t want to rock the boat, upset the status quo, or break any rules? how long will these two institutions that i have loved continue to excommunicate me because of who i love? and, how long will people just sit back and support me, yet follow the rules anyway? nothing will ever change if we just accept & follow the rules. if we disagree, then let’s disagree and do something!

anyway, i did not like the feeling i had after my interview when i wondered if i should change anything on my facebook. there is actually nothing to change, there is nothing wrong with it, with me… but, i left the interview wondering if there actually was something a little wrong with me, that i had to change in order to fit into a mold. that feeling was uncomfortable, and i was mad that i even let those thoughts enter my mind… that i had to possibly change something about myself to make myself more acceptable. ewww. ridiculous thoughts.

a47a6872067511e3990322000a9f192c_7as for a job? i’ll keep looking. and i’ll turn over every, single stone to find something that suits my soul, that makes me feel free, that nurtures and challenges me to give back. i will not settle for anything less than my dreams.

i’ve learned that never again will i question myself, and my self worth. what i will do is keep looking for a job. something that is a perfect fit. and i will trust that it will come in just the right time. and, while i look, i will do a few other things as well this fall:

  • take a yoga class & sign up for training to be a yoga teacher.
  • take a writing class & get moving on my book… SERIOUSLY.
  • begin a photography course.
  • go camping and get back to my tree-hugging roots.
  • grow my pen pal relationships.
  • print and frame some of my photography.
  • volunteer with an eating disorder organization or an LGBT organization, or both.

my love, my brother, and my parents all said it at different times today… this was not meant to be. and there is something much better out there waiting for me. so, i’m gonna trust my family and the universe. i’m gonna listen to my soul better next time, and not panic. and i will not settle. it’s out there. and when i stumble upon it, i will know. and it will be beautiful. but, for now, i keep on walking. with my head held high. focused on who i am, the gifts i have, and alert to the signs and messages that are coming to me every day.

so, today, instead of being upset and terrified, i chose to move forward. i chose to listen to what my heart is really saying.


there she goes! my love on her way!

i just dropped my love off at UNCA for her first day at the university! and i am so proud of her! she made her dream come true, fought her way back from near death (literally), overcame so much, pushed and created and dreamed her dream into reality. and now, today, she has begun her second bachelor’s degree, and i could not be any more excited for her.

as for me, i feel more and more that this is a time to dig deep into my dreams as well. even though, i have already made the dream of living in europe come true, it’s time for the next step. my love and i have helped each other realize our dreams, and now we move forward into the next part of our journey in life. and i could not be happier.


so, after dropping lina off at school, i headed downtown, where i am now. i’ve found a little corner for myself at a table. got a chai latte (a big one!) in my hand, and my notebook and computer ready to fire up. this is how i work best. in this moment, right now, i am going to keep dreaming and make things happen, while i balance trusting the universe at the same time. it will all come.

my friends, believe in yourself today. chase your dreams and trust your soul. and you will find your bliss.

happy weekend! love and peace to you.

update/disclaimer: in no way am i saying that the job where i interviewed discriminated against me. i am not even accusing them of it. i am only saying that it is a possibility, given where it is located (a rural, small, conservaative town – not in the same city or county where i live), i have no proof of that. in some ways i don’t even care. what i am saying is that it was instrumental in helping me think about what type of job i want and what job i am meant to have. more importantly, it solidified my thoughts about how i am. once again. so, all in all, it was a huge blessing in disguise. the whole experience. 

thank you for reading! much love. ~liz