Though there is snow on the ground, I can feel it in the air. Spring. It is not here yet, nor will it be soon, but it is as if I can feel the earth waking up. Stretching. Beginning to make small movements. The transition is most definitely underway.
For me, my energy has been the complete opposite. At least this past week. Just as the earth is beginning to send out vibes that she is in the very early stages of coming to life again, I feel like I went back into hibernation this week.
It feels as if I have been quite active. Inspired. Positive. And so on… but this week, not so much. It’s almost as if, at the beginning of the year I had a ton of energy, though I didn’t know where to channel that energy, and now… well. The energy is waning.
Could it be that I am simply slowing down and pausing just before I begin to emerge?
This weekend we are experiencing the last full moon of the winter. The equinox awaits us, just a week from now. Spring is officially arriving for those of us in the northern hemisphere, and autumn is on its way in the southern. No matter where we live, though, this full moon marks a moment in the cycle of life, as seen in the changing of the seasons.
The last winter moon has many different names. Native Americans refer to it as the Worm moon, because it is right now that those squiggly, squishy things begin to move and emerge from the deep earth as she begins to thaw and soften. March’s full moon is also known as the Crow moon + the Sap moon, noting other signs of spring emerging, such as, the caw of the crow and the time to begin to tap maple trees. Some pagans call this the Storm moon, referring to the whole idea that “march comes in like a lion and out like a lamb”. Even Christians have an name for this full moon… the Lenten moon, as it comes during the slow, intentional season of Lent in the church.
No matter what we call it, though, this moon is all about one thing: Starting anew. Rebirth. Renewal. Beginnings.
I read somewhere a great question to ask ourselves during this full moon weekend… a question that helps us begin to focus on renewal and putting things into action.
How did you go into this month and how do you want to go out of it?
It seems like this full moon is affecting me the opposite of how it “usually affects people”. Full moons usually make people crazy. Unable to sleep. But I am definitely experiencing this Worn/Storm/Lenten moon in a backwards motion. What the heck is up with my spirit? What I mean is that just as March starts all crazy-like and then calms down = winter –> spring. I seem to be doing the opposite. I seem to be craving slow time, feeling exhaustion, but yearning + hoping to pick up speed. In fact, it feels like all of 2017 seems to have begun a bit slowly.
The thing is, what kind of speed do I wish to pick up? What things do I want to do? What are my goals? Honestly, I am beginning to freak out and wonder what’s wrong with me? I mean, yes, I am doing things. Meeting people. Having adventures with Lina. Etc., etc. But, what do I want? What is my next goal? And why am I not actively working towards something?
Hello, old guilt. (Dear god, I know better than this. I know it’s not about what I do, but who I am. So, am I only unsatisfied with what I am not doing, or am I unsatisfied with who I am right now? These are 2 very different things, leading to2 very different ways to respond).
Perhaps (as I write this things are becoming freakishly crystal clear) something is happening beneath my surface, within my soul. Perhaps I am not doing anything backwards at all, but that my spirit is following the exact same pattern as mother nature herself.
I started this year with my focus on living authentically. Without any specific goals. And I haven’t really approached my weeks and months, so far, with any specific themes. Maybe that has all led me to living more in the moment, maybe it has stifled me and made me feel stuck. I don’t know which it is, to be honest with you.
Part of me really misses having something to focus on each week or each month… a weekly blog post that sums up the week that has been. A monthly theme + a playlist to go along with that. A constant, disciplined re-checking in with the theme of the month. So, I wonder if it is something that I need to add to my life. Or, if it is good for me to relax and just let things roll. Even if I feel unsettled, as if I am not accomplishing anything. Because, ultimately, that’s what the themes of the month provided for me: a sense of accomplishment and a sense that I was moving forward, or at least moving.
The question is… do I continue without that focus, trusting the process and (perhaps) living more in the moment than ever. Or, do I reinstate monthly themes, weekly round-ups, playlists, or anything that gives me a sense of disciplined routine? I truly, truly do not know.
Ultimately, what I feel, as I reflect under this full moon energy, is that I am not accomplishing anything. That I am not moving forward. I feel unsettled. And yet, I feel calm. Is this the time that I just live, trusting that things are happening even though I cannot see or feel or understand them? Or do I kick it up a notch and start making shit happen? Am I meant to live more slowly right now, more focused on right here, right now and being satisfied with life as it unfolds from day to day? Or do I sit and squeeze out what my soul wants, what my dreams are, what I want to come next in my life, and then start making that shit happen?
I am truly at a loss. I truly don’t know. It’s so weird to feel at peace and unsettled at the same time.
As soon as I write that, I begin to wonder… and am I trying too hard to “make something happen”? Is it the pressure of society that leaves me feeling unsettled? That I should be striving for that next big thing in my life? That I should be making shit happen? Or am I truly a bit restless, filled with things I want to be + do, yet stopping myself because I feel stuck?
Am I stuck or am I at peace? Or, can I be both?
Oh lordy. This is complicated shit that I’ve been dragging around in my soul for a few weeks now. Thanks for sticking with me as I process it.
So, the full moon. She’s bringing to light and clarifying lots of questions for me right now. Giving me a clear opportunity to wonder how I came into March (or 2017 for that matter) and how I want to go out of it. Basically, the question I keep asking myself is.. do I keep going with the flow or should I discipline myself a bit more? But, maybe that’s the wrong question, now that I think about it. Maybe the thing to do is to simply commit to whatever I choose to commit to.
I just went back and reread my post about my word of the year… authentic. I can say that I absolutely agree with myself:
However, I feel a bit different than past New Years. I feel older. Like I’m coming from a deeper, wiser place.
I don’t feel like… “This is gonna be an amazing year!” Instead, I feel like it will be what it is. There will be good times and bad times, beautiful moments and gut-wrenching moments, and everything in between. And that is exactly how it should be. And I will let it unfold.
You see, somehow I have grown up. I adulted much more this past year. But, the result of all of that is the gift of experience. Of perspective and balance. Of finding the calm in the chaos. Of celebrating in the middle of the messiness. Of discovering the power of deep acceptance and the importance staying grounded.
Now, these are all things I’ve known + believed in + worked on for about 8 years. But 2016 pushed me to live my beliefs. It was as if last year was an internship in all I have been evolving into since 2008.
And with all of that, I have learned a great deal about living in the present moment. That, ultimately, it is what it is. And it is up to me to choose and decide how I live. That is the power + the hope that each one of us have.
So, in the beginning of this new year, I feel my soul guiding me to live the most authentic life possible. To me, that means taking all that I have experienced and learned, as I have evolved over the past few years, and really bringing it to life. It means practicing what I preach, embracing all of who I am and bringing my contemplative, bad ass nature to the forefront of my everyday life.
How I intend do that + what that will look like for me is something that I am working on. Something that I will be uncovering and discovering with each passing day. I’m currently creating a mind map/vision board in my journal.. defining authenticity and how I want it to reveal itself in my life. Scribbling, doodling, pondering, actively creating.
But, basically, I don’t feel is rushed. No pressure or need to do or be anything except for what what I feel that my soul guides me to feel or do or be. The focus is not on anything except living authentically and intentionally. Trusting my intuition + the magic of the universe. No rules, no pressure, no rush. But loads of discipline, energy, and groundedness. And much more trust in myself – who I am, how I do things, and consciously aligning the two.
Let me give you an example. Normally, I feel excitement and pressure to create some sort of super inspiring post for the first day of the new year. As you can see, though, since you are reading this post on the 3rd day of the new year, I didn’t not do that. I started writing this post on January 1, but I also let the moments of the day just flow. I spent time with my family. Went outside. Wandered downtown Portland. Watched a movie. Drove to Connecticut. And just soaked it all up.
And I didn’t care at all that I didn’t finish a first day of the year blog post. I knew that I would do it as I did it. That it would be done when it would be done. That was my intention. I trusted it. And I trusted myself.
Damn. I knew what I needed back at the beginning of the year. And, now I know again what I need. To fucking trust myself. To focus only on today. To understand that I should not be experiencing life in the same way that I ever have before… because I have grown from that. I have entered a new phase, a new way of life. Things should look and feel different.
And boy do they ever.
With the inspiration of this full moon, as she takes us from one season into the next, I am reminded that even as life changes around us, the moon is always present. And so is our soul. For it is these magical, mystical moments of connecting with nature and listening to our soul that remind us that all will be well. That, the goal is the journey. That every moment is life.
So, how did I come into this month? Unsettled, confused, full of guilt, tired, and still somewhat calm. And how do I want to leave? With an even deeper sense of trust in myself + in the unfolding of life one day at a time.
Ask yourself the same questions… and see where the journey to answer it takes you.
Full moon blessings, wild ones.