i’m the first to admit that i’m an optimist. a hopelessly romantic chick who’s full of thoughts of dreams and possibilities. i think that some people may think that i am too hopeful, though. too positive sometimes. maybe i am. i’ve been accused of wanting to run away from anything difficult. perhaps in the past that was true. i may talk (or write) about things that make me seem always happy, full of life/hope, and like everything is great and perfect. i may seem that i am strong all of the time. but, whether i say anything or not, i am also a realist inside. and i am weak on a regular basis. i am completely aware that darkness exists – in my life & in the world. i am completely aware that life is not fun every day. i don’t ignore the pain, confusion, and fear. i feel every sting of sadness, every tear that falls down my cheek, every moment that i can’t breathe, and every time that i just want to crawl away & hide. i just choose not to focus on those things. i feel them completely, but i don’t share them that often. yes, i am human and i hurt. but that pesky hope & optimistic belief that all will be well wins over my pain every day. i am surrounded by darkness sometimes, but light always bursts through and shines the way for me to find my way out.
there was once a time in my life, however, when i think that things were so upside-down and crazy, that i shut off all of my emotions. over & over again i told myself that there was hope. it’s how i survived. i think i told myself that things would get better so much, that i didn’t even need to believe it. i didn’t need to feel it. i just repeated it again & again. and i went to my job. a lot. all the time. i had no personal life. i filled my life with my work and my studies, and kept telling myself that things would get better… one day. but, i refused to see how things really were. i ignored the pain because it hurt so much. i did such a good job of ignoring my feelings, that i convinced myself that i was ok. i couldn’t see how things really were. so, i sounded like some fake, happy-all-the-time, life-is-perfect person. i looked like someone who had everything & felt wonderful. but i was lying to myself. in order to survive the pain, i tricked myself and turned off my emotions. and i had no idea this was happening. i actually thought i was happy – or that i would be happy. soon. i was way too afraid to admit to myself my reality.
then, one day, an amazing friend challenged me to actually look at my situation – to stop complaining, then pretending everything was ok, then hoping, then complaining again. he told me that clearly i was not happy and challenged me further… to find someone to talk with. that was the wake-up call i needed. so i did just that. and for the first time, i realized that i had no idea how i was really feeling and it was high time that i explored and felt my feelings again – as scary as that was.
but by facing that fear, and acknowledging my emotions, i began to meet myself in a whole new way. and that led to my freedom. freedom to discover who i truly was, and then to live my life with reckless abandon and infinite hope. once i began to really feel things, i realized the joy of living every minute to it’s fullest. i found the courage to take risks, to truly follow my dreams, to be carefree & daring, and to never sit back and let life pass me by. i learned to never, ever bottle up any of my emotions. so, just because i don’t talk with you about my emotions or write down negative things, doesn’t mean that i don’t feel them. believe me. i do. everything is not hunky-dory all the time. there are things that bring me down & make me cry. and tonight for some reason, i telling you how i feel. i am letting out that secret (which isn’t really a secret) that some days suck. sometimes i’m a little emo. some moments just feel dark.
tonight is one of those nights. i’m alone. i miss my love. i miss my family. my heart aches. and everything feels heavy. soon i’m going to crawl into bed and pull the covers up tight. and then tomorrow will come. a new day. with sunshine and brightness… to take away the darkness of this night.
may there be peace and light in your lives.