i’m the first to admit that i’m an optimist. a hopelessly romantic chick who’s full of thoughts of dreams and possibilities. i think that some people may think that i am too hopeful, though. too positive sometimes. maybe i am. i’ve been accused of wanting to run away from anything difficult. perhaps in the past that was true. i may talk (or write) about things that make me seem always happy, full of life/hope, and like everything is great and perfect. i may seem that i am strong all of the time. but, whether i say anything or not, i am also a realist inside. and i am weak on a regular basis. i am completely aware that darkness exists – in my life & in the world. i am completely aware that life is not fun every day. i don’t ignore the pain, confusion, and fear. i feel every sting of sadness, every tear that falls down my cheek, every moment that i can’t breathe, and every time that i just want to crawl away & hide. i just choose not to focus on those things. i feel them completely, but i don’t share them that often. yes, i am human and i hurt. but that pesky hope & optimistic belief that all will be well wins over my pain every day. i am surrounded by darkness sometimes, but light always bursts through and shines the way for me to find my way out.
there was once a time in my life, however, when i think that things were so upside-down and crazy, that i shut off all of my emotions. over & over again i told myself that there was hope. it’s how i survived. i think i told myself that things would get better so much, that i didn’t even need to believe it. i didn’t need to feel it. i just repeated it again & again. and i went to my job. a lot. all the time. i had no personal life. i filled my life with my work and my studies, and kept telling myself that things would get better… one day. but, i refused to see how things really were. i ignored the pain because it hurt so much. i did such a good job of ignoring my feelings, that i convinced myself that i was ok. i couldn’t see how things really were. so, i sounded like some fake, happy-all-the-time, life-is-perfect person. i looked like someone who had everything & felt wonderful. but i was lying to myself. in order to survive the pain, i tricked myself and turned off my emotions. and i had no idea this was happening. i actually thought i was happy – or that i would be happy. soon. i was way too afraid to admit to myself my reality.
then, one day, an amazing friend challenged me to actually look at my situation – to stop complaining, then pretending everything was ok, then hoping, then complaining again. he told me that clearly i was not happy and challenged me further… to find someone to talk with. that was the wake-up call i needed. so i did just that. and for the first time, i realized that i had no idea how i was really feeling and it was high time that i explored and felt my feelings again – as scary as that was.
but by facing that fear, and acknowledging my emotions, i began to meet myself in a whole new way. and that led to my freedom. freedom to discover who i truly was, and then to live my life with reckless abandon and infinite hope. once i began to really feel things, i realized the joy of living every minute to it’s fullest. i found the courage to take risks, to truly follow my dreams, to be carefree & daring, and to never sit back and let life pass me by. i learned to never, ever bottle up any of my emotions. so, just because i don’t talk with you about my emotions or write down negative things, doesn’t mean that i don’t feel them. believe me. i do. everything is not hunky-dory all the time. there are things that bring me down & make me cry. and tonight for some reason, i telling you how i feel. i am letting out that secret (which isn’t really a secret) that some days suck. sometimes i’m a little emo. some moments just feel dark.
tonight is one of those nights. i’m alone. i miss my love. i miss my family. my heart aches. and everything feels heavy. soon i’m going to crawl into bed and pull the covers up tight. and then tomorrow will come. a new day. with sunshine and brightness… to take away the darkness of this night.
may there be peace and light in your lives.
I’ve been thinking about you today and how awesome it is that you already have a job in your field in Norrkoping and that you function pretty well in the language. I know that that doesn’t mean there aren’t days when the “work” of living in a foreign culture doesn’t affect you. Way to spit out those feelings and move on!
Hope you are waking up to a sunny Sunday about now! I will send up some prayers for you before I go to sleep (way late for me!)
Thanks, Barb! It feels good to get everything out sometimes. Today is sunny with blue skies, and I am so thankful for your prayers. it’s good to know someone knows how it feels living in a familar, yet strange land.
A very moving post. I hope you got a good night’s sleep and the sunrise was not only outside but also in your heart. Much love and see you Thursday xox
Nicole, the sun did in fact rise in both places today! Thank you for reading and we CANNOT WAIT until Thursday! xoxoxo!
Liz, you write so eloquently. If I had the talent, the feeling are there that I could have written this, instead I put it down to feeling bi-polar… I’m one to the other sometimes and it frustrates me.
Wonderful post, and an eternal optimist is wonderful, being blue is too, a normal mix make the best friends in the world.
Great post, enjoy your Sunday morning xx
Thank you, Holly. I just write whatever comes out, but I appreciate your words so much. I have memories of teachers who told me that I could not write well at all… and now writing is the thing that frees me. Funny, huh? Bi-polar? I definitely feel that way inside many, many times… now that I let myself feel things. 🙂 IAnd love how you describe the balance of feelings as best friends. Very true! Just so you know, I am sending up thoughts of you to the holy universe… fingers crossed! xx
I already told you how i felt about this in 140 or less characters 😉
Be good to yourself xx