my end of the year ritual : looking back on a totally empowering 2015

on the first day of 2015 i embarked on a journey of empowerment. i knew that i had to take action this year. i knew that a lot would be changing. but, i had no idea how things would look or turn out or unfold.

the blank pages of 2015 stared at me. totally empty. and i couldn’t even begin to imagine how they would be filled. and, to be honest with you, i was more apprehensive than excited about the blankness of these 365 pages.

i was filled with so many emotions as the year began. deep sadness at leaving asheville, but fully certain that this was a leap that my love and i needed to take. in our hearts we knew that moving back to sweden was the right thing. but, in our souls we were breaking apart.

and that may sound horrible + terrible, like living practically instead of from one’s dreams, but i cannot describe to you the complete assuredness and calmness i felt in my soul that moving was the right decision. even though it hurt.

so, it wasn’t ignoring what we really wanted. instead, it was trusting what our intuition was telling us. leaping into a new year, as uncomfortable as it was, with full knowledge that this was what we were called to do. trusting and knowing that, sometimes, in order to get to the good, one has to go through the tough.

but, as always, my firm belief in the cycle of life, in the power of the darkness, and in the whispers of my soul, guided me through every single page of 2015’s book.

and, here i am. on the last page. writing my last thoughts, trying as best as i can to sum up what this year has meant to me, to my life, and to my soul.

the word empowered chose me for 2015. and i incorporated this word into my life every single day. it was a huge focus for me, inspiring me and reminding me what my intentions were for this year. and, i’ll have to say, on this last day of 2015, i feel more empowered now than ever. so, i suppose that you can say that my word has been a huge success. but it has come at a price. it has involved some fighting + holding on, plus a lot of nature + tons of simplicity.

however, it has unfolded completely differently than i imagined – as life inevitably, always does. 

i envisioned  2015 filed with activity and making things happen. taking care of business. building up a life. taking charge. and i wanted to use my word, empowered, to remind me that i have the strength and the power and the ability to do whatever the hell i needed and wanted to do. it was kind of a motivational, be a bad ass woman, pep talk for myself.

and, it idid function like that, my word.

the first 7 months of 2015, however, did not involve a ton of action. and i remember feeling like i was trying to figure out what had happened. how we had ended up here. t was a very long process of settling in and adjusting and accepting. here’s what i wrote about it, as i reflected in july on the first half of the year:

so what has happened during these past six months, has been the empowering of my soul. of digging in and finding a deeper level of power within me that i had never discovered before. so, actually, i have been active. quite active. i’ve been letting the power simmer within me. and i have felt it rising to the top.

oh, i was empowered alright, but empowered from within. all of my action went unseen by others, by the world. but, there was so very much happening within. like roots digging deep and deeper into the earth, sucking up the wisdom + mysteries of the spirit. there was much gazing at the sky, filling myself with the magic + inspiration of the moon.

here’s how i envisioned the second half of the year:

the first half of the year was me filling up my soul with even more empowerment than i could have imagined. the second half? well, it’s gonna be me using all of that power and creating big, soulful, magical things in my life. i am ready to read the signs, to feel the power, and even more importantly… to unleash my power into the world.

well, as summer came to a close, and autumn began, shit started to happen. and it was full of things that i never saw coming. or never believed would be happening.

lina was finally able to begin some treatment for her eating disorder, which had reared its ugly, destructive head again. so, just as i was beginning to work at a photo boutique every now + then, we switched roles. she was the homebody, and i was moving out + about in the world. our life changed completely. another piece of tough shit to fight through  (and she/we/i are still fighting through it) to get to the good stuff.

however, we still knew that we needed to be us. to find some joy in the midst of the changes and struggles. so, we hosted celebrations + cozy evenings at our home, even in the midst of lina’s treatment + my busyness. we needed these celebrations too… to connect, to find the good, the slow down, to soak up. so, from my birthday to halloween to thanksgiving to a cozy glögg evening, we gathered the people around us that meant the most. and we lived life in the present moment.

i also began my amazing life coach course, making this very long term dream of mine a reality. and i also began studying a kundalini heading meditation course. and, crazy of all crazies, i got a job as a mentor at a high school in the city, beginning one week from today! it’s a job that i had applied for in the spring and didn’t get it, but they contacted me in november because they remembered me and needed another mentor.

but, all through this, i held on to that magic, the grounding that i experienced during the first 6-7 months of the year. i had embraced a new way of living… slowly + intentionally. meditating, gazing, being all become like breathing for me. this centering was the foundation that was necessary in order to make shit happen in the end of the year. this aligning is what connected me to my soul, and gave me a deep sense of who i am, which gave me the power to begin to manifest what i want.

so, empowering, huh? i’d say so. not in perhaps the traditional way that i’d think about empowerment. but, at the same time, exactly the kind of empowerment that i needed. a deeper, higher, more spiritual, and way more brave sense of empowerment.

as i sit here, on this final day of 2015, i look back and i am in awe. i am not in love with 2015. it has not been filled with lovely, beautiful, sweet moments the whole time. but, you know what? ultimately, i don’t need those moments. i am not looking for any outward thing or person or moment to define happiness or peace for me. to live real life, in the midst of all that is happening, all of the good and fun, and all of the bad and difficult; all of the uncertainty and fear, and all of the magic and silence.. and to still feel grounded, secure, stable, and inspired… that is empowerment. that is the empowerment that i have found.

and in 2016, i’m bringing that empowerment to a whole new level. just you wait and see.

happy new year, lovelies!! may this year be one that is both deep and high and powerful. but, more than anything, i wish you peace. xoxo