I need to have a chat. It’s nothing serious. Just need to connect with my little blog world + lay out a bit of what’s on my mind lately. And, that’s not easy to do because I feel all over the place. One thing I know, though, is that writing/blogging helps me process things. And, when I post posts that are more tips/guidance, etc., then I miss out on that journaling aspect of my blog. So, here comes a little reflective, stream-of-consciousness Friday morning post. Thanks ever so much, in advance, for listening.
You know how you have those months or weeks or days that you just feel so freaking connected? Like deep down connected, to your soul. Nothing special is happening, but you feel the magic. Or inspiration. Or spirit. Whatever you want to call it.
That feeling doesn’t seem to last, does it? I mean, it doesn’t just continue day after day, endlessly continuing your state of bliss. And I know that. I am aware of it. I even accept it. But I am still continuously shocked by it. And yet I know, that that’s life. It’s up and down, and inspired and regular, and good and bad.
Or is it?
Lately, I’ve found myself reading + feeling + exploring the dualistic nature of life. The paradoxes of light/dark, good/bad, man/woman, peace/violence. And, I wonder, is life really this or that? IS it really divided up like that? Or is it more circular, spiral, whole? Not that the experiences of suffering + bliss don’t exist, because they do. At least they do for me. I feel them. But that doesn’t mean that my life has to be ruled by them.
Organically, life is most definitely more whole. More cyclical. More holistic. And, while I’ve always believed that, I’ve tended to continue to exist and express myself in a dualistic world. Inside, I’ve believed in the wholeness of it all. Outside, in practice, I’ve lived just like we all do. Good and bad. Up and down. Right and wrong.
Until now. Now, I realize that I am deeply yearning to make my outer life truly match my inner. To live from how I believe – on a completely different level than before.
Good god, this is so hard to express. And I’m realizing it as I type it. I am literally coming to understand as each letter appears on my computer screen. Basically, I am winging this entire post + I have no idea where I will end up in the end.
Let me make this a little more practical:
Somehow, in the midst of a very cozy, slow, and revolutionary October, I began to actually ponder and claim some deep things about who I am as a healer, guide, spiritual leader, contemplative soul. I had no idea, nor do I now, how that might manifest in my life. How I might challenge myself to step forward even more into living my truth, but I felt a deep connection to all I was learning and accepting, knowing that I was ushering in a different phase.
And, now that it’s November, I’m like… “Uhhhh. What now?” I think my tendency is to believe that I should get to work + make shit happen now. Revelation – done. Time for action. But no action is happening. I have no inspiration as to what comes next. So, I feel a bit stressed. Only to realize that, instead of following the usual dual world way, perhaps I just continue contemplating + being + trusting. At the same time, my outer life has sped up, in comparison to October’s literally very slow month.
In the midst of all of this pondering and pontificating with myself, I have found myself scribbling in my journal about the seasons of the year. And holidays and such. It feels almost as if I want to readjust how I move through the year, through the cycles of life, through the seasons of the year. I have this desire to align my actual life, through celebrations + rituals + gathering + writings, in a whole different way than I have before. And that means stepping way outside of my comfort zone.
That means that my focus, my life, might look a bit different from the “regular joe” out there. Which, of course, is totally fine with me – in theory. And, yet, it presents itself as a challenge, as I am a person who lives in the midst of a society bound my traditional traditions + calendars. Of course, I don’t have to follow exactly what everyone else does, but let’s be honest. That’s tough. However, to live my inner life in one way + to live out in the world in the midst of a traditional society, feels like I am doing exactly what I am trying to avoid: living a dual life.
Yet, the only thing I can do is align it all. The only thing I can do is live from my soul. And, that means, that my outer life must match.
And, I believe that this is the process I am going through right now. It is a very deep, from my core, realigning process. And that’s why it hurts a bit. I mean, seriously, who am I kidding? Realignment is painful and slow. Why would I expect anything different?
So, that mystical, revolutionary October I just had? And those insights I gained? Perhaps it really was meant to thrust me forward into actually stepping into + living my truth, but somehow I forgot the process. I suppose I forgot that things would not just magically change from October 31 to November 1, and suddenly I’d be totally ready to take on a new role + to embrace my calling even more.
But, this is a new season. And things did magically change as they evolved + unfolded. October ended with the death of one cycle of nature. And, with November, we have begun to transition into season of waiting. The message is clear: It’s not time for action. It’s time for alignment. A slow, unseen, underground, incubating, hibernating process of alignment.
So, I am coming to sense that, in order to realign my life and step into my deep truth, I must be fearless + face the changes, even if that means doing things “differently”. And, all of this has to be done slowly (which I know, but clearly I need constant reminders. hehe) + patiently.
To uncover + discover a deeper depth to one’s soul (as I did in October) is all part of evolving; but the changes that are to be put in place after that cannot suddenly happen in an instant. Evolving, growing, changing, developing, is organic + natural… it’s a process that unfolds, as the seasons.
And, of course, change is unnerving + frightening. But, in order to move on, in order to live a holistic, authentic, unified life, perhaps during this season of waiting, I need to trust the process of letting go of some of the old traditions that no longer serve me. To leave behind the things that do not speak to me anymore in the same way. It does not mean that I forget or drop things that have been a part of my past, but that I let them evolve into the next way that I express my spirituality, my life, and my truth.
And, with that, I will close out this little session by giving thanks for you, dear reader, for staying with me; both through this rambling, somewhat mysterious post, and through my journey in general (those of you who have followed along for the past 6 and a half years).
Yes, I’m writing for myself. To process and understand my own thoughts and feelings and intuitions. But, I am also documenting my story, sharing it with the world out there. Who knows… maybe, just maybe, what I say and write and feel is something that someone else might relate to one day.
And now, the sun is up + I must dress so I can move on to a fairly busy work day. Wishing you all the best, and sending you tons of power + strength to claim your truth so that you, too, might align your inner soul + outer life. It’s the most sure way that we can create the life that we truly want.