I vowed to go deep into the darkness this month. To settled into it. To explore the mysteries + wisdom to be unearthed, but damn. It’s tough. As we enter the middle of November, I find that this month is delivering all of the mystical darkness that she can. But… this is what November is meant for: deep soul diving, time to reflect, feeling a sense of nothingness, facing the shadows, sinking into the wisdom of the old ways, simplicity, and an inward- focus.
And as much as November is cozy + mystical, it is also very uncomfortable + challenging. The cozy is found in the food, the fire, the candles… the mystical in the feelings of family, magic, and ancestors. But the uncomfortableness come in + makes me feel as if darkness swallows me… in the ever-shortening days, in the feeling that I am in a void, suspended in a black hole, surrounded by the quietness of night that forces me to face the reality of it all. I know I vowed to go deep this November, but, it is hard.
If I’ve ever felt like I’m in a void, then it really is now. This November. I feel as if I am in-between everything in life. That everything is in a black, foggy, slow motion… slowly moving forward.
I’m not necessarily in a hurry to get out of this void, though. I have learned a deep sense of acceptance of the present moment, even when it is uncomfortable + challenging. And that allows me to feel all of my emotions all at once without drowning in the darkness. Somehow I have come to a point in my life where I can hold space for it all. I suppose the changes, trauma, and crises of this past year have given me this sense of anchored trust in the unfolding cycle of it all. Because of all of the pain of this year, I have tapped into a deeper wisdom. So, as we move into the darkest part of November, I thought I’d like to share a few life updates – as a way to connect with you, but also as a way for me to gain perspective as I dare to look deeply into my own soul, feel all the feels, and truly tap into the dark energy of November. Like I vowed I would do.
What I need right now is to empty my soul down here in the dark. It is way down here, as I release + empty my soul in the dark void of November that I find my truth, listen to wisdom, feel my intuition, plant some seeds, and prepare for the season of hibernation, rest, and rooting that begins as winter arrives.
And, by getting all of my thoughts out here, I feel as if I am not lost in the void alone. Whether we are writer or reader, we are a community in this time + space. Neither of us are alone right now. Me, as I write. And you, as you read – whenever that is.
So, deep into the earth, deep into my soul, I go. Follow me down, if you wish.
The intersection of grief + hope
It’s exhausting to move from grief to hope to disappointment to hope to grief over + over again. It feels like an endless, messy cycle. But, that is exactly where I find myself right now. And where I have been for almost 2 years now. Lina + I both have.
Most of you know that we’ve been trying to have a baby for a while now. We actually got pregnant on our 3rd try (through insemination with a sperm donor). At exactly this time last year. But, sadly, it was a tough pregnancy and we found out that our little Peanut had chromosomal abnormalities + defects, meaning that her life would be very difficult and perhaps she wouldn’t survive. So, just before week 16, as soon as we had found out these results, under a specialist’s care, we decided to end the pregnancy.
November 2020 December 2020 January 2021 February 3, 2021. The day we held you and said goodbye. May 2021 May 2021 November 2021
We’ve been dealing with the grief + also living life again since February. As the year moved on, we returned to the process of trying to get pregnant again. All without luck. We’ve done inseminations, but also tried, long, invasive, tough IVF treatments. Nothing has worked so far. And it is utter exhaustion to go from hope to disappointment to hope again and again, month after month. Not to mention the physical + hormonal affects of it all as well.
This week, we just found out that, once again, an insemination was not successful. And this was our last try through the state-funded tries that couples/individuals are given. It has really thrust us into the dark. But, more than that, it’s like some sort of unwanted release. And it’s leaving us exhausted, sad, and numb.
At the same time, we are now looking forward and trusting the wisdom of our souls to guide us forward.
Who I am is not what I do
I have a deep belief that who we are is not what we do. I am not defined by my job, but who I am/how I am. But, in being me, I need and want an outlet where I can share all that I am passionate about. In the past, that has been made real in my life by working as a teacher, a minister/pastor, and a mentor. All work that I have loved + been honored to do.
Now, that we have moved, I am searching for work again. And it is not easy. I have Bachelor’s + Master’s degrees from the United States, which do not qualify me for the work that I have done in the past. What I mean is that Sweden does not recognize my degrees in work here. It is up to me to try to break through the qualifications listed on a job listing to get to an interview so that employers will see that I am, indeed, qualified for work. But, that is becoming a long, hard process of looking for many jobs that I am honestly not super stoked about.
However, there is an organization in town that wants to hire me… when we receive financing for the 2 of us who are going to work full time. In the meantime, I volunteer with them and we all wait for money to flow in. Could be a long wait, so that’s why I’m looking for jobs. Mostly jobs that I don’t really want, to be honest with you.
It’s such a state of limbo I’m in. And the void of dark November simply makes it that much more difficult to face. Especially, when all I really want to do is not have to search for work + spend my days writing a book.
But, none of this job stuff defines me. People may think I am lazy, strange or whatever… but I know who I am, and what I do needs to flow from that. I cannot settle for something that is not me. Turns out, though, I have put a ton of pressure on myself to accept whatever comes my way – which is not at all how I want things to go. Thankfully, I’ve just been contacted – literally right as I am writing this post! – by a place that decided to go with someone else – someone who has a Swedish education. Guaranteed I have more experience. But, thankfully, I’ll not be accepting a job that I know I wasn’t meant for!
Perhaps November’s dark void gives me just the chance I need to really be honest with myself about who I am + how I want to live. As uncomfortable it is to be in this in-between space, it is a golden opportunity to let my intuition guide me. As I said before, I know who I am… I just have to find the courage to listen to my own wisdom. And that ain’t easy.
I’m sure that there is so much more wisdom + truth meant to rise from my soul during these dark days, but these are the two huge things that I needed to write about right now. And, by doing that, it’s as if I have released them out into the void. They are no longer simply holding me down or tangled up in my soul.
To be honest, I am having a hard time preparing to publish this. Not because I do not want to share it, but because it feels dark. I’d much rather write about the cozier, hearth + home side of November as we start to move toward the holidays. But, that would me doing what many of us often do… move right past + around the hard stuff. Avoiding, ignoring, and distracting ourselves as much as possible to we don’t feel, think, or have to deal with the darkness of November or the truthful wisdom of our souls.
I vowed to myself to drop into the dark void of November, to see what wisdom would rise from my soul. So, that’s what I am doing Painful and scary as it is. Soon enough there will be light again. But, I really do need this time of year right now. It is an important part of the seasonal cycles of nature, of the unfolding of life, of my own transformation + evolution. And, I am certain that, if I dare to really allow myself to be in the dark void of November, to let the mystery of it all surround me, to comfort myself with food, hot drinks, blankets, candlelight, and quiet time while I am way down here. Then, when it is time to emerge, I will be wiser, bolder, and more authentically who I am meant to be.
Stay down here with me for a while. It’s dark + mystical + filled with the wisdom of our souls. And, it will not last forever. xoxo. liz.