I am deep in the heart of November. And, as I write this, the full moon’s energy is most definitely reaching me from the cosmos above. Just to be clear, this is also a lunar eclipse (not seen from where I am) and the next to last full moon of 2021. And all of that equals a whole bunch of darkness, emotions, intensity, and, ultimately, opportunity. There is a bunch of shit that is being illuminated + rising up in me because I have dared to really let myself sink deep into the dark void of November. And, for some reason, I thought I’d share much of it here, with you.
Ok. Where to start?
Last week I mentioned that Lina + I just found out that we were not pregnant – again. Oh yes, friends, we are still deep in the trying process. Though, last week’s “not pregnant” stick was also the end of our treatment at the hospital. We’re continuing on, of course. But, now we have to go to a private clinic and start the process over. Which honestly feels really good. Like a fresh start. And a chance to leave the past 2 year process with the hospital behind. It’s time to give thanks for all of the amazing experiences, support, care we’ve had through a long, disappointing and painful journey… and then close that door. It feels good to move on.
At the same time, closing that door is extremely painful. It’s like saying goodbye to our little Peanut all over again. And it feels like we are leaving her in some way. Moving on, moving past. Actually, last week, after the negative pregnancy test, our grief was triggered all over again. And it has been an emotional roller coaster ever since.
Lina took the week off and we stayed at home together. Right now, I can’t really recall much of what we did except for allowed ourselves to move very slowly through the days. Talking through it all. Feeling through it all.
Then, last Saturday, we went out. And I have a confession to make about that.
We dropped by our favorite neighborhood bar for a beer or two and ended up grabbing some pizza as well. But, then, I wanted a cocktail. A whiskey sour to be exact. So, we ordered some drinks and finally some places opened up at the bar so we could sit and chat with the bartender, who is now something between a bartender, an acquaintance, and a new friend. I mean, he asked us how the baby process was going – it’s at that level.
Needless to say, we sat, drank, laughed, and talked for hours at the bar. It was so good for us. The problem is, we sat there a long time. I didn’t have way too much to drink. I wasn’t drunk. And I was fully, mindfully aware. I was just having fun + releasing + enjoying my time with my love.
But, Sunday, my body was not happy. Again, I wasn’t drunk, but my body said, “Enough.” I stayed in bed from Saturday night until Monday morning. Sleeping a lot of the time. Otherwise, just laying in the dark dealing with nausea and pain and exhaustion.
I’m confessing all of this because it has affected me all week long. It has brought so much to the surface of my mind and been a major catalyst for change in my life.
All week long, I’ve been mindfully trying to allow my body to come back into balance, only to understand that it’s been out of balance for a long time. Not because of drinking, but because I have focused on my soul + spirit.
The other day I made a commitment to myself. To turn my focus from my soul work (because I’ve found my rhythm + groove with that) to body work. And, my first step it to return to a completely vegetarian diet. It feels like such a relief + weight has been lifted from me by simply making that decision. We eat a completely vegetarian diet at home, but when I am out, I often grab meat, chicken, or fish. But, no more. I know (from my medical history) that my body feels way better with only fruits + vegetables. After I tackle the meat/chicken/fish thing, I am going to work so hard at eating even more clean, green, and simple meals.
Then there’s movement. Lina + I have both talked about this. We need more of it. And I know that I need yoga, meditation, kundalini. So, I have joined a December yoga challenge. And this morning I asked Lina if she wanted to join me. I so, so, so hope that I can follow through with this and reestablish a movement routine for myself.
But, loves. I’m only scratching the surface of what this deep November is revealing to me about myself.
Lina + I have continued to feel some pretty dark + intense emotions this week as well. It feels like we’re experiencing grief all over again. I know, I know. It is another stage that we have come to. But, as a result of last week (when Lina was off), this weekend (when I was in bed), and this week’s emotions, we both realize that we are deep, soul, bone-tired exhausted.
We’ve been living in the same pandemic trauma that you have. I haven’t seen my parents + brother/his partner in 2 years. Work for me was a shit show last year. We renovated a kitchen. I’ve had 2 toe surgeries keeping me from living a normal life. Plus, we’ve had a total 6 failed attempts of IVF + insemination in the past year. We did get pregnant last November, but as you know, she was not well. And so we have the trauma of saying goodbye to our baby at 16 weeks. Oh, and we’ve also moved.
I’m not saying all of this to say “poor me” or anything. All of us, all over the world, have struggled this past year and a half. Life has been completely difficult + uncertain for every single one of us. And, believe me, I am so grateful for so much. My life is fucking amazing. It truly is. But, it has been an intense blend of everything for the past 2 years.
In any case, I am sharing all of this because allowing myself to sink into this deep November is allowing so much truth to rise to the surface.
And, my truth in all of this is that I am exhausted. Lina and I discussed this. We are fucking exhausted. Literally. Our bodies, our spirits, our minds. It’s a deep soul exhaustion.
And our strategy for dealing with that is to take care of ourselves. Hence, a return to a vegetarian diet. More yoga. Rest, sleep, nourishment, movement. Talking + feeling through it all. And staying present in the moment. Focusing on one day at a time.
Plus, we have some super amazing news – this week we bought tickets to the States for the holidays!! We will be spending 3 weeks with my family and taking a break from everything here. The goal now is to soak up, enjoy, and remain patient as we are still in the deep, dark void of November.
There’s still so much mystery, magic, and wisdom to be unearthed from my soul. I can feel it. I have to stay right here in the deep.
Tonight’s full moon, also known as the Beaver Moon, is partial lunar eclipse. The reason that November’s full moon is called the Beaver Moon is because it is the last full moon before winter sets it. So, it is the preparation full moon. It’s a perfect time to channel the energy of the beaver – preparing + building everything for the coming winter.
Symbolically, for me, this moon + eclipse is a chance to use this deep, dark November void as a time to prepare my soul for winter. It’s a way for me to continue to live spiritually, in rhythm with nature. Intentionally carving out time in these cold, dark nights that are arriving, so that I do not lose sight of my anchored, grounded self in the midst of all of the holiday hustle + bustle that begins right about now.
I need to drop my roots even deeper now. In order to continue to allow my soul some quiet space to continue to reveal to me the wisdom of this season, the wisdom of the ancestors, and my own inner wisdom.
So, in the midst of a job rejection last week + the truth of this past year + a creative kick this month, I am digging deep into who I have been, who I am, and who I want to be. It is high time that I let go of much of my past work – in order to make space for some very new things to bloom + grow. The seeds are being planted right now, in this dark November.
I’ve had such a spurt of creative energy around me, even in the dark. Perhaps because of abiding in the dark of this season. The dark is where things are born, where all things begin. My Instagram project this month – The November Gathering – has inspired me so much. I’ve returned to posting daily + often reflecting a lot in my captions. This leaves me feeling like I need to gather these posts + photos + words into something when November is all done.
Plus, as I look forward to December, I feel inspired to take on another project. I can’t decide whether to mention it or not. Oh, hell, I’m gonna.
I’m going to do something I’m calling Blogmas right here on the blog. I am committing to writing every single day from Dec 1- Dec 22 (the winter solstice). And, these posts will most definitely be turned into a book of December reflections, devotions, inspirations… whatever you want to call it.
So, there you go. That’s everything that being deep in the heart of November with a full moon overhead has been inspiring in me. It’s a lot, I know. From grief to exhaustion to mindful eating to inspiration to writing + photography + so much more.
But, November is not over yet. There is so much more for this deep, dark month to offer us. So, my only intention is to stay slowwww. To keep listening. And feeling. And intuiting. And finding magic in all of the ordinary stuff of life. One day, one moment at a time. Especially as we move into holiday energy + the end of the calendar year.
Alright loves. Wishing you a lovely weekend. It really is the last one for me before I shift into a whole other mode for the rest of 2021. But, as I said, even as I shift into holiday vibes, I am determined to remain deep in the dark + soak up all it has to offer. The light begins to return very soon.
All my love. xoxo. liz.