8 | The week when my emotions were almost too much to process

In my mind I intended for last week to be a beautiful, restful time of transition. I signed a contract last Tuesday to begin new work after a 7 month unplanned sabbath and was poised to sail through the rest of the week, basking in the knowledge that I could finally just sit back + chill before starting work on the 1st of March (today!). I even planned to do some shopping for a few new pieces for my wardrobe. But, life had another idea about all of that, and the week instead left me with so many different types of emotions that they were almost too much to process. You know what? Scratch that. My emotions were (and still are) too much to process.

But, because I love documenting my life + sharing these posts with you (plus, my goal is to post every week all year long), I’m gonna see if I can make my way through last week and make some sense of everything that happened. Though I know that I actually need some time to get perspective. But, no matter what, I need to initially process all of these emotions + feelings I have. And I do my best processing and uncovering my own wisdom when I create these posts.

A welcome change is in the air

As I said, the week started off with exciting energy. I felt alive, hope, new… so in line with the coming spring. And, even if it snowed a bit some, I just could not deny the fact that the days had already grown considerably longer – it was light after 5pm! Change was in the air and I welcomed it all.

Tuesday: I said yes to a new job!

Of course, one of the big changes of the week was saying yes to a new job. After receiving two very good job offers + feeling a twinge of stress about which one to take, I made my decision over the weekend and it immediately felt right. So, on Tuesday, I walked the three blocks from home to my new work to officially accept the position and sign my contract!

I’m officially hired as a socialpedagog – and I have no idea what that translates to as a position in English. But, the work is social work – as a counselor + mentor + case manager to young adults who have either dropped out or have found that traditional education does not fit them at all. So, what I/we do is give them help with knowing themselves, finding motivation, gaining self confidence, learning adult/work skills, preparing them for an internship, and then sending them out to “work”. They have completed the program when they are hired and find permanent work. So, the goal is not a degree or diploma, but to find work. And it’s all done on a very individualized basis. Which is right up my alley.

Wednesday: Time for a mini-vacay

Now that I had signed a contract + it was official, I could just sit back and enjoy the next week before I started work on March 1. My plan was a whole bunch of nothing on top of a whole bunch of soaking in the slow moments at home. I even though I might go shopping for a few new clothes or something. I mean, a girl’s gotta celebrate, right?

Thursday: War

Then, things took a turn for the worse. When I woke, the news was that Russia had invaded Ukraine – something the world had ben waiting on for a while. And essentially, war broke out. I could not help it. I was glued to the tv all day long, switching back and forth between Swedish + American news. Not leaving my bed. Feeling shock, worry, fear, sadness. In the evening, after she was done with work, Lina joined me in the bedroom and we stayed there the rest of the night. Being grateful. But, also dealing with some strong emotions – not related to the war in Ukraine.

This is where I am going to get a little mysterious in what I say here, for multiple reasons. And I apologize for that, but I just cannot share details with you.

Friday: This day blew my mind + broke my soul

Little did we know that our emotions were about to be more than we could handle and our minds were about to be blown. I cannot give you details, but just know that the whole day was one of the most traumatizing and emotionally intense days I’ve ever had. There are many reasons why I cannot go into a couple of things that happened, but just know that I am ok. Lina is ok. And our families are ok. And that’s all I can say about that. Sorry.

At this point, after everything from the week that had been good + bad… I think our minds + emotions shut down. I didn’t know what to do. I felt broken.

Weekend: A little self care

We made it through the day + night on Friday and woke feeling numb as the weekend started. Right now, I don’t remember much about it, but I do know that we got outside in the fresh, sunny late February air. We walked, sipped coffee, talked, took pictures. I listened to the birds in the bushes, tweeting away their early spring songs. I thought about war, and disappointment, and tragedy. I felt anger that my cozy, chill last week before work had been “stolen” from me – selfish, I know. But, I felt it.

We tried our best to distract ourselves, do things that made us feel good, and talked through it all constantly. We decided to end the day at a cozy pub – a place where we feel very much at home.

Now, it’s Tuesday, March 1 + I was supposed to start work today. But, my boss asked me to start yesterday + then be off today. So, that’s why this post is posting today + not Monday. From here on out, though, I’m going to try to post on Sundays – since I’ll be at work on Mondays. Or at least I will prepare my post on Sundays.

Today is a pretty chill day, so that’s nice to have before I really get started with work. Oh, and yesterday went well! It’s such a different kind of workplace, with a whole different focus, and only about 7 co-workers. I jumped right on in and it feels really good.

For the rest of the day today, though, I’m going to be continuing my self care theme from the weekend. We’re going to celebrate Fat Tuesday here at home with traditional Swedish Fat Tuesday buns. I’m going to journal some. I’ve already mediated. And I also want to begin to drop into the energy of March + the new moon tomorrow. But, first, I need to get quiet + let my intuition guide me to it. Maybe I’ll take a bath or cook some good food. And a glass of wine or some beer isn’t out of the question.

But, since the waning moon is at it darkest right now and almost completely dark for the new moon tomorrow, I don’t feel any pressure to do anything. Today is a day to just be. To rest, think, breathe, and feel all of those emotions that I’ve been feeling. I truly believe that it is only by being present to what is right now that I can anchor myself + trust in these rhythms and cycles of life – including my emotions.