By the second or third day of April, I knew that I was in for an unexpected, unplanned time that had nothing to do with the intentions I had for the month. I had entered April feeling connected, aligned, and grounded. And, looking back, I think I was. But, to be honest, I had some expectations about April – and it did not turn out at all like I had perhaps envisioned. Everything around me, including me, was put on pause.
Not that I had expectations about how each day would go… I know better than that. I really, deeply try to let life unfold day to day. And, yet, whatever vision or hope I had for April just got tossed aside.
Even though it was uncomfortable, frightening, even, I grounded down into my body + soul, I trusted in my knowledge of the unfolding of life, and I tried very hard to listen to the moment. And I slowed waaaaay down. Honestly, I didn’t have a choice.
I didn’t write. I didn’t photograph. I didn’t meditate. I didn’t do yoga. I didn’t think. I didn’t reflect. I didn’t try to understand. I didn’t contemplate. I didn’t do anything that anyone could see. And I didn’t choose to not do these things. It all just stopped. Quite suddenly.
I was forced to go inward. I battled emotions. I battled fears. I battled the pull of the past + the future. Family worries. Personal struggles. Health issues (both for me + for others).
I felt out of control + in complete control all at the same time. You see, I literally choose how to take in + respond to every moment. It wasn’t easy. And I didn’t like it. But, by mid-month, I knew that it had to be all about me. I had to focus on me.
So, I trusted the messages my body was sending me. I trusted my intuition. And I literally just took it all from day to day. Doing all the regular things. But not seeking, not searching, not inspiring, not pondering, not anything but resting and working. A lot of rest + the work that I had to do. And I did it all without much thought. Just day to day, do what I need to do. Survive. Breathe. Rest. Face it all.
Yet by the end of April, I knew that it had been a month for healing. Closure for me, answers for some family, and slow progress for some others. But, in the midst of it all, April forced me, as I said before, to focus on me – something I thought I had been doing all along. To really focus on the here + now. And I learned my unintentional, unexpected lessons. Then I began to sort of understand that this had been a gateway to a new cycle. I had been experiencing my own spring of rebirth + renewal.
So, I don’t have many photos documenting April. I don’t have any blog posts or weekly letters from this month either. And it turns out that I wasn’t ready to pop back into my regular blogging/writing routine even throughout the entire month of May.
But, I made it through by living my best, slow life. And I’m giving thanks for the struggles + quiet moments. I needed them. I said I wanted to live a life focused on the present moment – and when I found myself worried, aching, confused, and exhausted I came to understand in a way that I never had before how important it really is to surrender to + embrace each moment, as it is. To live in the present is not always easy, but, oh how it gives strength, perspective, hope, and awareness.
With out sounding cliché, because I really don’t want to, I do believe that it is impossible for me to go back to life as it was before April. And, after 2 months, I can intentionally, mindfully say that I have been deeply changed.
You know, living intentionally and aligning our outer life with our inner life is a tough process. But, it is oh so worth the pain, adjustments, and transformations. The key is the present moment. Grounding down + trusting the bigger, cosmic picture.
Stay tuned, loves, for my thoughts + experiences from the month of May. Wait + see how I settled into this new, even more grounded, way of being.
xoxo. liz.
I don’t want to say I know how you felt, because I don’t. I know how I have felt when I’ve had to put my life on pause. I have to do this as a coping mechanism sometimes when I have to process something that it too big to process all at once. I have to break it down into small size chunks that I can more easily digest and during that time I feel like I’m just going through whatever motions I have to do. That’s all I have in me. So, I’m curious to know if you can pinpoint something that triggered you to go inward and be on pause? I’m not asking you to tell me what that thing is. I don’t want to get all up in your business. That question just came to mind. “What triggered this?” It sounds like you handled it beautifully and I’m glad you took the time that you needed for yourself. That’s so important for self-care. hugs!
The trigger, I suppose, was a whole bunch of heavy and unexpected thing that happened to people I love and to myself. I personally physically needed to slow down + take care of myself. I could feel that my body was off. So, I was kind of forced to slow down, and I am so glad that I did. Love to you, dear Tracy. xx