By the second or third day of April, I knew that I was in for an unexpected, unplanned time that had nothing to do with the intentions I had for the month. I had entered April feeling connected, aligned, and grounded. And, looking back, I think I was. But, to be honest, I had some expectations about April – and it did not turn out at all like I had perhaps envisioned. Everything around me, including me, was put on pause.
Not that I had expectations about how each day would go… I know better than that. I really, deeply try to let life unfold day to day. And, yet, whatever vision or hope I had for April just got tossed aside.
Even though it was uncomfortable, frightening, even, I grounded down into my body + soul, I trusted in my knowledge of the unfolding of life, and I tried very hard to listen to the moment. And I slowed waaaaay down. Honestly, I didn’t have a choice.
I didn’t write. I didn’t photograph. I didn’t meditate. I didn’t do yoga. I didn’t think. I didn’t reflect. I didn’t try to understand. I didn’t contemplate. I didn’t do anything that anyone could see. And I didn’t choose to not do these things. It all just stopped. Quite suddenly.
I was forced to go inward. I battled emotions. I battled fears. I battled the pull of the past + the future. Family worries. Personal struggles. Health issues (both for me + for others).
I felt out of control + in complete control all at the same time. You see, I literally choose how to take in + respond to every moment. It wasn’t easy. And I didn’t like it. But, by mid-month, I knew that it had to be all about me. I had to focus on me.
So, I trusted the messages my body was sending me. I trusted my intuition. And I literally just took it all from day to day. Doing all the regular things. But not seeking, not searching, not inspiring, not pondering, not anything but resting and working. A lot of rest + the work that I had to do. And I did it all without much thought. Just day to day, do what I need to do. Survive. Breathe. Rest. Face it all.
Yet by the end of April, I knew that it had been a month for healing. Closure for me, answers for some family, and slow progress for some others. But, in the midst of it all, April forced me, as I said before, to focus on me – something I thought I had been doing all along. To really focus on the here + now. And I learned my unintentional, unexpected lessons. Then I began to sort of understand that this had been a gateway to a new cycle. I had been experiencing my own spring of rebirth + renewal.
So, I don’t have many photos documenting April. I don’t have any blog posts or weekly letters from this month either. And it turns out that I wasn’t ready to pop back into my regular blogging/writing routine even throughout the entire month of May.
But, I made it through by living my best, slow life. And I’m giving thanks for the struggles + quiet moments. I needed them. I said I wanted to live a life focused on the present moment – and when I found myself worried, aching, confused, and exhausted I came to understand in a way that I never had before how important it really is to surrender to + embrace each moment, as it is. To live in the present is not always easy, but, oh how it gives strength, perspective, hope, and awareness.
With out sounding cliché, because I really don’t want to, I do believe that it is impossible for me to go back to life as it was before April. And, after 2 months, I can intentionally, mindfully say that I have been deeply changed.
You know, living intentionally and aligning our outer life with our inner life is a tough process. But, it is oh so worth the pain, adjustments, and transformations. The key is the present moment. Grounding down + trusting the bigger, cosmic picture.
Stay tuned, loves, for my thoughts + experiences from the month of May. Wait + see how I settled into this new, even more grounded, way of being.