how available are you?

when you don’t have a 9-5 job, or any job with a set schedule, then you tend to be available and flexible. which is a good thing. but, only if you set boundaries. know your limits. and learn how to say “no”. oh, and are disciplined. very disciplined.

working as a freelance writer and photographer, i have come to understand this very intimately over the past year. and i’ve reaffirmed the fact that i do not set boundaries, i am aware of my limits but i ignore them, i have a very hard time saying “no”, and i am not in the least disciplined.

but, at least i am aware of these things. and i am working on them. really hard. i’n no where near perfect, but i think that i’m getting better. i hope so.

what got me thinking about all of this lately is how busy i have found myself. and how i have been actively struggling to balance my life – though i dare say that i have been successfully struggling. i know that i have been successful (in my eyes) because i feel quite balanced inside. at peace. not freaked out. i did feel freaked out and panicky about 2-3 weeks ago. and i think that’s when the shit hit the fan and i decided it was high time to figure my shit out.

so, i did. now, as i said before, it doesn’t look great in my life. i am every single second trying to balance and decide what to do next (or who to do it for – without forgetting doing stuff for myself), but i am getting a handle on it. i feel like i’ve taken the first few steps. and that feels freeing and empowering.

if i reaaaally want my photography business to grow (and i do!!), then i have to make the time for it. i have to commit to it. and i have to give myself permission to make that happen. so, i have.

at the same time, i want to nurture and grow in my marriage – as my love and i continuously embark on new adventures and journeys and chapters in life. i want to do it together. she is my partner. my everything. and makes life worth living because i share it with her. so, i will always fight to try to make time for us – because she’s my favorite person in the world and there i no one on earth i’d rather spend my time with.

and then there is my family. my parents + my brother. i love them, and they all have major, major things going on in their lives currently. so, i have been very available for them. giving them moral support and physical support. i’ve been caught up in their lives and their next steps in life, all the while, working on my next steps in life as well. it’s been tough and time-consuming. but, it all came to a certain, freeing point yesterday.

yesterday, my parents got the keys to their new mountain house. yes, they sold their beach house (something that i have not dealt with or thought about or mourned yet – that will come much later), and have moved up here full time. as of yesterday. but, the process over the past month has been taxing on everyone. still, yesterday, as i helped them move stuff out and move stuff in, i felt such peace and pride and joy being there with them. and i had so much fun helping to welcome them back to the mountains – it feels good that we’ve all gathered in one area again.

now, my brother, he also had something major happen yesterday. he’s been renovating him home for the past 3 years. it’s a 1920s bungalow in downtown asheville – prime real estate people. but, it was in bad shape when he bought it – and he bought with his (now) ex-wife. they had a vision. but he was left with the house and a lot to finish up. after about a year of trying to decide what to do, he decided to go hard at the back half of the house and renovate it and rent it out on airbnb. a great idea!

as of yesterday, the renovations are complete and the first guests checked in!! it not only marked the beginning of his airbnb hosting, but it marked the ending of a personal era for him. it has become a literal moving on. what comes next… none of us know. neither does he. but, it’s clear that one part of his life is over. and i had the pleasure and pure joy or working with my brother pretty intensely over the past month to make this airbnb thing happen.

so, things have been changing around me. very busy. but, quietly, things have been changing for me as well. just as i close out my responsibilities to my family in this phase, i move on to my first paid wedding photography assignment tomorrow. and it feels amazing. it feels like this could be really real.

and my love and i also are busy changing things too. but, in a patiently waiting kind of phase. we know that big changes for us are coming, but we don’t know when or what or much of anything.

so, even though i have had a flexible schedule which has allowed me to be available for my family and my love, it has taught me so much about myself. i am so grateful for the chance to be present with these people who mean the most to me – to give my time and my thoughts and my presence over to them. i’m so glad that i am right here with them all…

at the same time, doing all of that, knowing that my purpose, while i have not had a stable job, has been to be with them all, i have somehow discovered more about myself. my passions, my wishes. and i have begun to learn how to balance, how today “no”, how to set boundaries, and how to know my limits….

because, living life to the fullest means learning how to live for yourself and to listen to your soul: how to be available for others, and also for yourself. learning how to live and love in relationships. to prioritize and balance. it’s not always easy, or fun, but it makes life so much richer. and i find myself filled with gratitude and empowerment. i find myself feeling loved and truly alive.

peace + love.