the energies all around me are intense right now. intense good + intense intense. know what i mean? let me explain a bit.
my emotions are running on high today. they are right on the surface and i could not keep them stuffed inside, even if i wanted to. i’ve been bursting shoulder-shaking into sobs i don’t know how many times throughout the day. tears just start streaming down my face and a lump remains in my throat. there is an heavy aching + emptiness in my soul. and waves of complete sadness just wash over me from head to toe every now and then. i feel exhausted. like i am lugging weights + chains around with me as i shuffle my feet everywhere i may go. which has not been far today. i am also tired. i awoke at 4 am and noticed that it was a beautiful sunrise, so i spent some peaceful time with myself for about 2 hours before falling back into a deep sleep, only to have then that experience when you realize that you need to wake yourself up because you are having a horrible nightmare. and that’s all just been today.
the 4am sunrise
mid-morning, my love + i walked with my brother to the train station to send him off as he heads back to the states today. this, of course, is a large source of my pain and anguish. my emptiness.
i’ve tried to process some things today, but i just can’t do it yet. however, i know that this melancholy, this intense sadness, surfaces as such a strong emotion because there is much that is buried deeper, connected to it all. so, yes, my brother leaving is heart-wrenchingly painful. but, my intuition tells me that there is much, much more going on that stems from that. saying goodbye to my brother has just been the catalyst to set my emotions free. what it is, though, that is deep within me, i don’t really know. but, i feel it. and for right now, that is enough.
what i do know is that it has much to do with me living my truth, of me confronting my beliefs, my desires, my loves, my passions, my self, and how all of that is lived out in my life.
it’s as if it’s all coming to a head now: will i step out and trust the shifts that are taking place, allowing myself to be launched out into a new, deeper, higher way of living? or will i sink back into the life that i have adjusted + adapted to? one that is wonderful, but does not let me live out my highest potential.
in the meantime, as my emotions have been building inside of me, i haven’t been sleeping well. i’ve been moody, feeling filled with energy + totally lethargic as well. and, certainly, you understand now that my emotions have been seriously wacky today. there has been a release.
you know, it’s only once in a blue moon, though, that i actually sob and let myself lose control of my emotions. but, i am going with it. because tonight we have a blue moon.
more importantly, it just feels right. i’m listening to my soul and letting my emotions just come leaking out of me. and it feels tough and exhausting, but cleansing at the same time. like i am preparing myself for something.
tonight is the second full moon in july. remember we had one back on july 1? it is this second full moon within one month that makes it a rare, powerful blue moon. and, aside from the obvious things that are making me feel sad (my brother leaving), this blue moon is, for me, happens to be on the day that my emotions have gotten the best of me.
no matter what, though, with the support of my loving wife by my side today, sharing her own tears with me, i know that i am in a safe place to just cry. and to allow myself to feel it today. to feel it all to the max. just to clarify, though, what i am feeling is not all sadness + emptiness, there are intensely high energy emotions as well. feelings of excitement + optimism, of unity + community, of love + complete overwhelmed joy. of anticipation + possibility. so, i’m just letting it all swirl around inside me.
because i know that my plethora of emotions are teaching me something. they are cleaning out my soul and giving me clarity about who i really am and who i want to be, of how to live my life in truth.
so, lovely people, i have no idea how you are feeling today. but, if your emotions seem to be on overdrive, chalk it up to the full moon: the rare, beautiful, powerful blue moon, which just may be giving us, through our emotions, a new sense of awareness, a new calling, and setting us up for a completely new, challenging, intense path in life. let’s let our emotions fill us with the energy to boost us forward.
try to catch a glimpse of that big, mysterious moon tonight and let her light fill you + push you + comfort you. let yourself be guided right into that place where you need to be, which is exactly where you are.
I couldn’t possibly comment on such a personal, powerful experience but I wanted to thank you so much for sharing it. Sending you strength and hugs.