hello, friends. sunday has rolled around again, and i’m doing my usual thing. sipping coffee, sitting on the sofa, and looking back over my week. it’s only 9:30 am and sunbeams are shining in our living room already – spring is on it’s way! so, right now, i’m a happy little camper. doing some blogging and writing before i get down to the business of the day.
when i think back over the week, though, i’m not so sure how i feel about it. i mean, it was good in the sense that it was winter break, so the students were not at school. and, even though i still worked like usual every day, there was a different vibe. it was relaxed. i got shit done. and our meetings were effective + interesting (true story!).
on the other hand, this month is about to get on my last nerve. i am so over it. it’s just been long and challenging, even if it has not been horrible. in fact, it has been quite the opposite. things are falling into place. we are moving in the right direction in finding a new place to live. and a new phase of our life is just about to begin. so, it’s all progressing. but, the process has been super tough. it still is super tough.
the ultimate moment for me this week came on friday at lunch time. i was eating a fast lunch alone when a beggar approached the person sitting to my left. (this is a huge problem in sweden these days). i was looking down at my phone when suddenly the beggar picked up my can of water from my table. i suppose she did it to get my attention. i immediately shook my head and said, “no”. i never even looked up enough to look at her.
within 20 seconds after she left i began crying. my crying turned to sobs. tears streaming down my face. in public. and i didn’t give a flying flip. i couldn’t finish my lunch. i was angry that she had touched my water. i was angry that i was angry at her. so i just cried and cried. after about 10 minutes i went from anger to guilt to gratitude. i felt guilty for being so rude. and then i looked at my food and felt such gratitude that i had food in front of me. i scarfed the rest of my lunch down, saying a constant blessing of grace for the food that i was consuming, crying now because i was so thankful to be able to nourish myself, to have a roof over my head, to have an amazing job, to have family and friends, to be free… to not be in the situation that the poor beggar finds herself in.
i sat there for about 30 minutes in total. having an emotional meltdown the entire time. letting all of the emotions that have been welling up inside of me just flow out. i didn’t care at all that i was in a public place. i needed to release all that was within me. and the simple beggar woman was just the catalyst for my emotional release. so, i let it all go. and then, i wiped my face, threw away my trash, and handed my empty can to another beggar who was gathering cans for recycling for money.
a few hours later, as these changes that my love and i are going through presented me with yet another problem to have to deal with, i welled up with emotions again. and i conveniently forgot all of that gratitude i felt at lunch. instead i was focused on “poor me” again.
until now. as i reflect over the week and type this, i can see the thread that has been running through this last week of february. perspective. it’s all about keeping things in perspective. i am trying desperately to hold on the knowledge that, even though it is tough + impossible to see, the process is all part of the journey.
and the journey is what life is all about. life is the journey. the process is what becomes our life. and with that, i can breathe just a tad bit deeper right now. feel a tiny bit calmer. and trust a little bit more. (plus, tomorrow is the last – extra!- day of february, and that feels damn good).
not to mention, i can embrace my situation + give thanks from a whole different perspective now.
// the full moon from last monday. oh, she is wild magic that leaves me in awe.
// to be like zola the cat. that is the goal.
// snow is melting, birds are chirping, the hope of spring is on its way.
// wednesdays in the cathedral just keep getting better.
3 good things
// four days without students = i got so much done.
// how we do snack time at work during workdays. the swedish semla (almond bun).
// one of our last breakfasts at this table in this apartment. the sun was streaming in + we even opened a window! (think spring!)
2 past posts
a post from last week: when it really is all about the journey
a post from last year: harnessing the energy of spring
1 inspiring thing
i saw this on Facebook yesterday – and it spoke volumes to me. i posted it on instagram, but i just have to share it here too. it is so perfect. so true. so right. so inspiring.
folks, this month is kicking my ass, as i’ve said almost every sunday so far. and i know that things are moving in the right direction, aligning, + progressing; but damn, the process is ridiculously tough. it’s so easy to lose focus, to feel out of control, and to worry myself silly. but, that hand over the heart thing… it really works.
go ahead, try it: place your hand. close your eyes. breathe deep. this is what’s important. everything will be fine.
happy sunday, loves!