I’ve got one whole week left before I go back to work. It is glorious + amazing. And I am so very grateful. So, why in the hell did I wake this morning with a sense of restlessness + an irritating inability to relax. Why did I have Monday anxiety today? As I made my coffee, I found myself pacing in the kitchen, confused by my thoughts + feelings. Instead of feeling like I had a whole, long, unplanned day off in front of me, I felt like I had a frighteningly empty day ahead of me. How would I use it? What would I do? What did I want to do? What did I need to do? My thoughts were running wild + all I wanted was to soak up the morning. But it all felt so weird + unsettling.
Well, of course that made me irritated at myself. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. I don’t know if I have ever felt such anxiety about having an empty day off. Normally I have a long list of things that I want to do, things that I finally have time to do. Photos to take, things to write, time to really meditate, food to cook, Netflix to watch. But, none of those things appealed to me. Or, actually all of it appealed to me. But, I felt some weird sense of guilt or worry or wonder if I should do any of those things.
So, I took my cup of coffee + stood by the window for a while. Just gazing. Trying to land in my thoughts + calm my spirit. I then decided to go snuggle myself on the sofa and write in my journal. It took a while, but I finally opened my book, picked up my pen, and began putting my thoughts to paper. I had no super amazing breakthroughs or revelations, but I did understand a few things.
I think that I am missing discipline in my life. Ever since right before Christmas, I have not had a focused ritual for my mornings. I have had no real daily ritual, in fact, for the past 2 weeks. And, clearly that does not work for me. Once I realized this, I should have gotten up off my ass + meditated or pulled some cards or something that I usually do. But, I didn’t.
And, now that I am sitting here, writing this, I am struck with that revelation I was missing this morning. What if those rituals that I’ve been practicing lately are not what I need or want right now? What if I’ve outgrown the rituals of 2020? And, then, I had a whole new thought: What if my new ritual is this evening blogging?
A new year means that we can release + let go of everything that is not working for us from the previous year. There is no rule that says that I have to meditate, pull oracle cards, use crystals, or whatever the hell I have been doing for years. Yes, those practices are grounding and inspiring. But, I am beginning to wonder if it is time for me to change up my morning rituals + practices. Maybe it’s even time to shift my grounding practices from the morning to the evening.
No matter when I engage in whatever soul-inspiring practice I choose, I know that these rituals are the grounding + anchoring bookmarks of my day. And, as I mentioned, since being on holiday vacation, I’ve abandoned my rituals. All except for that first cup of coffee. At first, ritual-less mornings felt freeing. A chance to just do whatever I felt in the moment. Sit in the dark, write, read. Whatever slow, quiet, contemplative practice that felt right at the time. So, I suppose I didn’t abandon them altogether, I just went with the flow, choosing whatever fit my mood or the day.
And, while that felt feeling for a while, it is finally clear to me that my soul craves discipline again.
The question is… what practices speak to my soul in 2021? What rituals will anchor me and leave me feeling inspired + not weighed down, filled up + not empty. Are they the same ones that I have used for a few years now? Are they a return to practices, such as prayer + reading, from10-15 years ago? Are they new rituals + practices that I haven’t tried or even thought of yet?
I have to say that, at least during the days that I have off from work, the ritual of blogging at night seems to be working for me. Who knows if this will hold true once I return to work next week. But, by writing this down, I have processed all of those empty feelings I had this morning. So, clearly something about this 4 day evening ritual feels right right now.
What I think I may want to do tomorrow morning when I wake is to explore in depth rituals + practices that speak to my soul. To really, really take the time to drop into those moments that not only ground me, but inspire me. Those practices that give me a sense of alignment, when I know that I am in tune with my true self + in rhythm with the moments of my days.
My Monday got decidedly better as the day went on. I realized that I needed to be more present than I was when I first woke up. I released the holiday vibes and allowed my soul to settle into a regular early January day. And I told myself to let go of any thoughts about returning to work next Monday. I have 6 whole days left of And, I reminded myself to breathe through any moments of feeling empty. Instead, I focused on resting, preparing soup, wandering in the backyard, feeling the crisp, snowy air, napping, and laughing with my love.
It turned out to be a very cozy day. And, as it now comes to a close, I feel a sense of balance + stability again. A return to a calm, a focus on the present. And an empty soul that is not frightened, but eagerly ready to be filled with inspiration, love, and possibility. Turns out that 2021 may be my return to more discipline in an effort to find more freedom.
Before I go, I’d love to pick your brain on whatever daily rituals or practices you have. Feel free to leave me a comment + share with me what you do (or what you wish you did) to stay grounded + present. As I said, tomorrow I’m going to be really diving deep into thinking about creating new rituals + practices for myself, and I may not have thought of everything. So if you have any ideas at all, I’d love to hear them!
Goodnight, loves. xoxo. liz.
(don’t forget to share some rituals/disciplines/practices you think might be good ones to consider). xx