Why it’s so hard for me to release in order to receive


Do you ever have a month or a year that you just don’t want to end? You know, a time when things just seem to be flowing + aligning + clicking. A time when, if you could, you’d just stop time and hold on to the feeling that you’re feeling right then. Well, I wanna do that now. Today. Can’t it all just stop + pause for just a moment? I’m not ready for September to end. I don’t want to have to wait a whole year again until my next birthday. I’d rather not have to begin a new moon cycle + enter a new month in a few days. But, that’s not how things work. Change is constant. And if there’s any lesson that autumn teaches us, it’s that change is inevitable. Days + weeks + months pass. The present moment becomes the past + we are immediately introduced to another present moment. The earth + the moon do not stop their revolutions. Birthdays come + go. Seasons shift. And the wheel of life continues to turn. We have to release in order to receive. And thank goodness for the new moon today. She’s helping me through it all.

Honestly, I love that things are always moving + evolving + transforming. I don’t have a very hard time with change. And I embrace time as a spiral; circular, instead of linear. But, when it comes to just this moment. Right now. This weekend. I just want to bask in the feelings I’m feeling for just a teeny weeny bit longer.

And, yet, I am so looking forward to October. The cozy, mystical, dark, Halloween-y, earthy, golden + burnt orange, spiritual medicine of October is already swirling around me.

Still, when I woke this morning, on this new moon day, I felt as if I wasn’t quite ready to move on yet. I wasn’t quite ready to release September’s moon cycle (and September in general) + step into the vibes of this new moon. I just wasn’t ready to reset yet.

release leaves

This week, especially, has been hard to release. I mean, y’all, it was the beginning of autumn AND my birthday week. So much magic!

Yes, that’s right. I love birthdays. And this one felt very sturdy + stable + calm as I approached it. Turning 45 felt like, “BAM.” Powerful, wild, slow, and grounding. I felt like I woke on my birthday, rooted deep into the earth. Strong. Intentional. Wise. Like a seed was sown, grew, and bloomed. And now I just am. Exactly who I am, exactly as I should be. Oh, definitely prepared to be pruned, cut, transformed, and to able to grow even more. But, I’m here. In my space. Owning it. Ready to thrive in it.

I celebrated my 45th birthday so simply. With a cozy breakfast in bed, tons of warm hugs + congratulations + well wishes from co-workers and my babies at work, greeting from friends + family, a long walk downtown at lunch by myself, a solitary golden latte treat, flowers from a former student (melt my heart – she came by work to give them to me!), and a very long, very delicious dinner with my most amazing wife. It was truly the perfect day.

There’s always something about having a birthday one day after the autumn equinox that allows me to tap into some extra special magic that inspires me to celebrate each birthday as truly a new beginning. An actual shift in the wheel of the year. From growing to releasing, to surrendering + dying, to being reborn come spring. The fact that my birthday falls basically on the equinox, speaks to my soul about my deep need for balance, for the love of the light + the dark, and for the acceptance + joy of living in rhythm with the seasons. It explains a lot about who I am + how I show up in the world.

But, this morning, as September ends + this magical birthday moon cycle, which has left me feeling so inspired + open, comes to a close, I just wasn’t quite ready to let all of the magic go. I wasn’t quite ready to release + reset.

However, knowing that I have an entire weekend of no plans ahead, and that the new moon vibes were also calling to me, I crawled out of bed, made some coffee, and sat down to a long morning of new moon rituals. Soul-searching, journaling, oracle card reading, and meditating.

Within just a little while, I could feel the shift. I wrote my last reflections on September, the last moon cycle, and my birthday, and then I released them. And I felt the energy of this new moon in Libra rising from within.

So, I meditated + I stared out the window at the changing leaves + I scribbled down words and feelings in my notebook. And, suddenly, I realized how October was a continuation of September. I felt the evolution + heard my calling to move forward into the energy of the new moon. And, now, I was ready.

So, I gathered my oracle cards, chose some questions to help me focus, felt an urge to make a circle with some of my stones + crystals, and then drew 6 cards.

Turns out, my intuition noticed obvious connections + meanings immediately. Connected to each other, to the vibes ahead of October, and to the energy that I released from September. It was powerful + affirming to see + understand the guidance of my soul.

September was the month of the chalice, or vessel. A month for coming to understand myself as that steady, sturdy channel between earth and the cosmos (spirit). You know, we are all a chalice, a channel. Made to be a vessel of love + light. So, after years of learning, accepting, loving, practicing being who I am + connecting deeply with my soul, I was now free to simply be that channel. To chose to allow the magic + light + love flow through me. I had received a whole new perspective on how I can expand + evolve by simply being empty. And what types of offerings might flow through me.

Now, in this new moon phase, that I am open as that channel, October is calling me to simply be the space. To make space in the dark. To stay open. To drop those roots of mine deep into the earth + to sink deep into the dark that is returning to the northern hemisphere.

The temptation right now is to now focus on how to let what wants to move in + through me + out into the world. My offering, my service, my purpose. It’s so tempting to work on all of that. And to get busy. But, what if I am to let the offering, what I am to give + share with the world, come to me first? To sink deep down into it, to feel it and live with it and experience it myself first. Before I run + give away all that I have learned + dreamed + manifested… what if I receive it for myself first? What if I simply, quietly honor where I am at + what I am here to offer.

That’s what this new moon cycle is all about. That’s what the medicine of October is all about.

So, now I was feeling good. Inspired. Calm. And had shifted into the energy of this new moon and the energy of October. I started to gather up all of my oracle cards + the whole deck fell on the floor in a straight line. However, two fell out of the line together. Right beside each other. Separate from all of the others. I picked them up + received them immediately as confirmation of the vibes I was feeling as a new moon cycle + a new month are ready to begin.

There could not be anything more appropriate for October than the ancestors + spirit of earth cards. Reminders to sink down + dwell in the grounded earth. To seek the ancient ways of natives. And to listen to the whispers of my ancestors, my roots.

Essentially, this new moon cycle is all about dropping into the deep, dark space of this season. It is the time to receive. To listen, intuit, and just keep being the channel, the vessel. There is much for me to do, but not this month (even though I may be active in everyday life). My focus, my intention, is to stay slow. To not rush. Expansion is coming. Releasing my gift is coming. But, first, now, I am simply a channel for gathering + listening to all of the energy + spirit + intuition + wisdom that comes to me.

I know what wants to be born from me. I know it so well. But, I trust the timing of it all. And I seek to not rush the process. So, I accept where I am on the wheel of the year + I honor where I am. Right now, I am descending into the dark. To receive messages, inspiration, guidance, and a vision. And to begin to create and make time for dark space so that I can be open to all of the magic + meaning + sacred moments of this season. To honor where I am at + what I am here to offer. Embodied living.

This new moon guides me in remembering that the key to evolution + transformation, the key to living in rhythm with the seasons, the key to creating a slow, sacred life of meaning is to always be willing to release in order to receive.

New moon blessings, wild ones. xoxo. liz.

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