20: The week that was all over the place

A word of caution: Like the title says, this post is all over the place. Last week, I said that I am bringing back my “The week that was series…”. This week, I understand why I need that series for completely different reasons and on a whole different level. I am going to literally need to be posting weekly updates every week because, if things continue as they are right now, shit is gonna go down every damn week. And these posts are gonna be jam-packed with a whole lotta stuff. Adventures, breakdowns, tears of joy, freak outs, and that never-ending quest to remain balanced, grounded, and anchored through it all. In other words, if each week feels like it’s all over the place, then I have simply got to have this time to process it all.

Now, let’s see if I can remember… last Monday feels like an eternity ago. Oh yes! The apartment showing! As you know, or maybe you don’t, my wife + I are moving this summer. We’re leaving Uppsala, Sweden where we’ve been since 2015 and heading down south a bit to Norrköping, Sweden. There are many reasons, which I won’t get into now (read about the move here), but I can sum it up by saying… life has actually been all over the place for a while now and as we searched our hearts, we decided that now was the right time.

So, we are selling our apartment. And last Sunday we had a private showing. By Monday, the couple made us a kick ass offer and it felt too good to be true. But, we decided to sign the contracts the next day and we couldn’t believe it. Not only did they offer us a great price, but they could move in when we are moving out, and all of this meant that since life has already been all over the place for us for a while now, it would be one less thing to have to worry about. We could literally strike it from the list of very important things that are taking our heart, soul, and energy right now. So we were flying high and could barely sleep Monday night!

Tuesday came + we were ready to sign! We knew it would be late after work. No biggie. Around dinner time, we got a call that we needed to move it to Wednesday because of slow bank issues (for the couple). Absolutely no problem.

Until about 8:45 pm our realtor called again. They freaking backed out at the last minute.

I felt a lot of deep disappointment. Not only because of the loss of the sell, but because of all that it meant to us – and how it made everything so much easier for right now. And goddammit, we deserved a little luck + goodness after this fucking roller coaster, all over the place, ride we’ve been on for over a year.

But, nope. It was just to feel the rage + try to find a way to sort it and release it. I still haven’t released it all, though,

Then there’s work. It’s weird y’all. I’m in some kind of limbo phase. And, honestly, I feel like there’s not much I can do to solve any problems that I see or ways to help plan for the next year. Truthfully, I’m not sure if my ideas, thoughts are welcomed right now since I’m on my way out – at least that’s how it feels to me. So, I’m keeping my head down, trying to socialize with my colleagues, and soaking in all of those special moments with my kids. Nevertheless, it’s all just weird. And I feel a little all over the place. Though, I’m working on visualizing that I am in a lifeboat, chugging along beside the big ship that is my work. I’m still on the journey, but I’ve left the ship. I’m following along + helping out, but I’m not really a part of the crew anymore because I’m about to cruise off on my own… but, just not quite yet.

At the same time, I’ve got a possible job in the works for when we move to Norrköping – and that feels so amazing! I had a digital meeting with the 2 guys I’d be working with, who are also super big-hearted, inspiring guys that I’ve known since my previous time in Norrköping. Anyway, much more about that later on… For now, just know that this was a big swing up on Wednesday night after falling so far down Tuesday night + Wednesday day.

My love also celebrated a birthday this week. We did our best to celebrate, but keeping it real, it felt like a challenge in the midst of everything that’s feels like it’s all over the place. At the same time, it was so glorious for me to focus on my love. To prepare surprises, like breakfast in bed, gifts that she wished for but didn’t know if she’d get, and a daring Bangladeshi dinner (takeout). What a super fun break in the drama, grief, and disappointments of late… and a chance to just give thanks for the fact that this amazing women is my wife and that I get to go through all of the all over the place moments with her!

Friday came quickly after all of the up + down of the week, and we started discussing getting the hell out of town after Lina’s parents asked if we wanted a change of scenery. We haven’t been anywhere at all since September. Like nowhere out of town. And we really haven’t been anywhere in town either. We don’t go out. Just to buy groceries. Otherwise, we hang at home – inside or outside.

So, after feeling like we can’t handle these feelings of chaos anymore, we decided we would drive down to Lina’s parents’, who also happen to live in Norrköping! (And they’ve gotten their first vaccine dose) That meant that we’d also get to ride by our new apartment + feel the vibes… hoping that our intuition had steered us in the right direction – we’ve never seen our apartment, so we signed contracts based on our own wisdom + knowing. Fingers were crossed, but we were feeling good.

Saturday we hopped in the car, drove 2 hours, and left everything that felt all over the place behind in Upssala. We just soaked in the present moment and loooooved feeling some new energy around us.

The weekend went fast. We ate good food, talked, and watched the Eurovision song contest. But, we also spent some time in our new neighborhood. And, I can confirm: it fucking rocks! It is amazing actually. And both Lina + I are more excited now than before. It feels like this decision was absolutely the right decision – everything from the move to the neighborhood to all of the vibes. Ironically, it is the complete opposite of what we thought we wanted to manifest in our life now. Just when we thought we wanted forests, fields, and a house out in the country, we now find ourselves planning for those urban vibes. But, it is so how it is meant to be.

I cannot wait to move!

Tonight, we are back in Uppsala. And it doesn’t feel horrible. Our trip this weekend cut a cord for me. It was a mental + emotional step forward. I’m still here, still going to work, still facing having to sell our apartment after the 1st deal fell through, still dealing with a whole lot of crazy, chaotic stuff, but I can see the move ahead now. Changing cities, of course, will not solve problems or get rid of the chaos, it will not heal the grief or be some kind of magical fix it. What this move will do, though, is provide us a new start, new energy, and a new sense of belonging that we just haven’t found in Uppsala (except with a very few exceptions).

We still love Uppsala. And there are parts of it and some people here that are really tough to leave, but more than anything, as partners going through life together, and feeling all over the place for the past year, Lina + I have. discovered new dreams. And we are not ones to say no to dreams.

So, even in the midst of felling all over the place… perhaps even because of it, we are creating a new chapter in our life. And, you know, when I think about it… as we are in the midst of a great evolution, transition, and new beginning…. why wouldn’t it feel like we are all over the place? Of course we feel like that. This is how the process of change feels.

Alright, time to close the books on this wild week and prepare for the next. What in the crazy world will it bring?!

Love to you. xoxo. liz.