i was gonna do a whole post on failure and my worries about a potential job getting in the way of my flexible lifestyle. basically, blah blah blah. poor me, poor me, poor me. poor almost 40 year old who has had a chance to chase her dreams and has honestly squandered some of her time – successfully making some dreams come true, but not working her ass off to make even larger dreams come true. all in all, a post about being sad that it’s time to get a “real” job to supplement the dream job. and then, i was going to berate myself for only spending one day at the cathedral last week.
but, then, our friend’s husband died.
in sweden, i worked with an amazing woman, the other minister at the church where i served, who soon became a confidante and a friend. last spring, she had to take a long time off of work because her husband had a bone marrow transplant. he had been in & out of the hospital the previous sixish months, with a disease that doctors couldn’t quite figure out. but, the bone marrow transplant was a hopeful answer and the promise of a new beginning. of course, he had to be isolated afterwards for many months as his immune system rebuilt itself. so, my colleague was home and at the hospital a lot. and in sweden, you are given lots of time of to care for a loved one. needless to say it was very tough for them for the past year and a half.
last year in sweden, at the same time my colleague’s husband was fighting for his life, my love was in the hospital fighting for her life – for the second spring in a row. i worked throughout her hospital stay, unlike my colleague, but i was able to juggle my schedule and be with her. however, her sickness was a bit different, and staying away while she worked on getting better was the best thing i could do. so, my colleague and i had a lot of worry and fear in common, as our loved ones fought for their lives, while we did all that we could to help them in any way possible. mostly, all we both could do was let the professionals do what they are supposed to do.
last year, my love came home from the hospital and kept recovering. since then, she has only gotten better and better, though some days i know it is still tough. however, she has battled the worst of the monster that is anorexia -and is thriving and living her dream now.
my friend’s husband battled and battled, but has been in and out of the hospital continuously, even after the transplant. unfortunately and devastatingly, he passed away this weekend.
two people. two diseases. two lives. two different outcomes.
my heart is heavy today, and i am reminded, once again, of the shortness and fragility of life. my love could have died. in fact, she almost did die. there were days and nights that i wondered if i was going to lose her. i feared facing life without her – the light of my life, my inspiration, and my everything. but, she survived. and today, we are happier that we have ever been. there are not enough words to express my gratitude.
our dear friend, my colleague, does not have the same ending as i do. and we mourn with her, from afar. i wish i could see her and hug her and offer her words of comfort, or even just my presence. but, an ocean separates us.
what i can do, though, in her honor and in memory of her husband, is to share this message that we all know, once again:
life is short. fleeting. and we only have one. so, why the hell would we spend any moments of this life complaining, feeling like a failure, being lazy, and/or giving up? why would we not spend every second doing the things that we love the most and being with the people that we love the most? why would we not chase every dream that ever crossed our minds? why would we not spend every single bit of our energy making the most of every single second of life – regardless of what others thought about us?
because, let’s face it friends, life could end at any time. and i want it to be said that i lived life to the fullest, that i made other people happy, that i inspired others, and that i wasn’t afraid of doing something new. i want to live from my soul, be adventurous, try new things, connect with people, and spread my own kind of light in this world. i want to feel, and laugh, and cry, and be excited.
i want to travel. and blog. and talk. and relax. and work. and make a difference. and enjoy my family. i want to eat good food, see beautiful art, experiences different cultures. i want to suck every little bit of life out of life – and live my life with a kind of contagious passion.
now, back to my cathedral commitment. it didn’t happen this week. i went and spent some time in silence on wednesday. and it was very peaceful. and i thought about each of you who have been a part of my daily prayers and meditations – there are even a few of you who have just popped into my head and i’ve added you to my list. so, while i have not been in the cathedral, my commitment to thinking about you has continued.
but, dear readers, i ask something of you this week… will you keep our friend and colleague and her family in your thoughts this week? i just want to send her all of the love and light and beautiful vibes that are possible – because she is an incredible, amazing, strong, and inspiring woman. but, even women like her have difficult times. we all do.
this week, as i spend my time thinking of you and sending out love to the far corners of the world, i ask you to join me. instead of rays of love this week, i envision a circle of love. i would be so humbly appreciative.
and, you know what? screw that sense of failure i had in the beginning of this post. screw my guilt and worry. i may have messed up, i may not have lived up to my expectations, but those days are over. today is today. and it’s a new day. and i have dreams to fulfill. so, my friends, it’s onward. upward. and forward.