when being alone reveals how much you’ve changed

i’ve been home alone tonight.

it’s not something that happens often, but i get the feeling that it will happen more + more.

as part of her eating disorder treatment, my love is exploring and growing and becoming in ways that she never has before…  and it is so amazing to see. she’s starting to grab onto life in a whole new way. so, she left right after i got home and we had dinner, and is out + about tonight. living life!

and here i am at home. alone. but, alone is a good thing for me. i am one of those persons who enjoys being by myself. in fact, i crave it and need it every so often. so, i was more than ok with having a couple of hours to myself this evening to just be and do what i want. (not that i don’t do that when she’s here). but, there is just a different vibe when i’m on my own.

however, i am a pretty ineffective introvert. ineffective in the sense that i have all of these intentions and ideas, yet never see them through. instead, i often  just find myself sitting in front of the tv watching some series or some ridiculous thing that i don’t even care about.

what i want to do is take photos. or work with my photos. or blog and write. or read. i want to walk and explore and create. and meditate and do yoga. 

but, i never do those things. or almost never. after a day at work, it’s so easy to flip on the tv and just veg out.

tonight, though, i turned up some cosmic hippie music. grabbed a beer. lit a sweet-smelling candle and went into my sun-drenched bedroom to create a wall collage.

i worked for about an hour, pinning and placing things that i love in a place where i can see them. and, then i stood back feeling so satisfied + inspired. i had created something and expressed myself. and i knew that this would be something that i would add things to and/or replace over time. an ever-changing inspirational mood board.

then, i went to take care of the laundry. and i watched the latest 40 minute episode of grey’s anatomy, then flipped off the tv again. (that never happens!). i wrapped up a bit and headed outside to our back yard space to just feel the night air. to just be outside under the sky. i wandered in the grass. looked up. breathed in. snapped some photos. and tapped into my inner wildness.

and, then, i crawled into bed, thinking i was going to read. but, instead, i started writing this.

the cat has crawled into my lap…  clearly a bit confused and admittedly upset at first because lina is not here. but, she’s all cozy now. as am i.

i have spent this evening exactly as i’ve hoped that i’d spend my time on my own. doing things i love. creating. being. connecting. not just wasting away minutes and hours. and it has felt so very good.

back in march, after we moved into this new apartment, we didn’t have internet and tv for a month. i had no data or anything on my phone either. so i literally lived in the present moment. in the middle of my life, my reality. i am certain, now,  that this silent, slow month affected me deeply. and, i am beginning to see the fruits of those weeks of being cut off from my regular habits that i always fall back on.

now, i don’t mean that i don’t want internet or that i don’t want to binge watch a tv series. i totally do. but, i’ve been yearning for a balance. for the strength and desire to turn off things when i want to so that i can just be and do other things that inspire me, that create the kind of life that i want to live.

tonight, without even planning it, this authentic, artsy, effective person just fell out of me. i lived exactly the way i want to live.

peace has absolutely filled up my soul.

i can’t help but think that these transitions and changes and new phases that have been happening unexpectedly throughout 2016 so far, are not only showing up in obvious, practical ways (a new apartment, a new job); but also in very deep, spiritual, life-changing ways.

i’ve said it before, and i am saying it again (sorry for my repetitiveness)… i have embarked on a whole new understanding of life, and right now, with tonight, i am getting a glimpse of just how much i have actually changed. how much has transformed. how i am not simply dreaming of the life that i want to live. i am not just envisioning it and setting intentions and preparing + practicing for the kind of soulful, creative, authentic, slow life that i want… but i am actually living it.

and so, right now, my heart is overflowing.

my dear friends, this journey that i have been on for years now… i just want you to discover your own journey so badly. to discover your soul, listen to your dreams + passions, follow your bliss, and walk on your own path, whatever that may be. the trip is a long, long, long one. a lifetime’s worth of journeying. but, oh, how it is worth it. to live the life that you envision, that you want, to the fullest. it’s just freaking amazing.

and it is oh so possible.

this is why i am studying to be a life coach. to guide, listen, and talk to others as they discover + experience their own journey, creating their own life, finding out for themselves that it is absolutely possible to live a life that overwhelms you with goodness and meaning and deep peace.

so, get out there and get you some. find your own way and feel the crazy joy of watching + experiencing yourself literally creating the life that you want out of the power that you already have within you.

xoxo. liz.