i had every intention of writing this sometime monday morning. but, here it is, late monday night. i am sitting in near darkness, with only the soft glow of our red christmas star hanging in the window over my head. and, while i wanted to get this out early in the day, i cannot help but think that this is exactly as it should be.
because this is exactly what advent is all about: a quiet, still, solitude that is hopeful + unnerving all at the same time. a confusing, and yet, peaceful place in the middle of the darkness. it is waiting on the advent, or arrival, of something – for the arrival of a great, amazing, transformative thing. and having no idea what to expect. so, it is to wait with great, excited anticipation + to wait with nail-biting apprehension… scared + overjoyed about what may come.
i admit that that is exactly how i feel right now – literally, and in my life in general. one great big exciting, scary journey into the unknown.
the stress of moving was at its height today. there were frustrations + disappointments about how to get everything done, how to find a place to live, how to trust that everything will fall into place, and how to get our things shipped in a much cheaper way than we’ve been quoted. and then there were big celebrations as well – like putting our furniture online and selling almost all of the big things within 1.5 hours! amazing! yes. today has been a roller coaster of a ride emotionally. and i feel that darkness + fear, and that hope + excitement all at the same time. and, ultimately, there is nothing that i can do but to keep on going about my daily business filled with chores and waiting and hoping and more waiting.
but, there are signs all along the way. there are moments of clarity and moments of inspiration, moments when i feel that my soul is singing, or that everything seems to be lined up. there are moments that i just know what i know, and i feel a connection to something much greater than myself. these are simple, mystical, magical moments – and they keep me journeying on. they are shafts of light piercing into the darkness.
however, i am never magically released from whatever darkness i feel. the dark times come + go, but when they are here, then they are simply here. and i must go through them.
today, as i felt the confusion and frustration and out-of-control feeling, i just let myself feel it. knowing that it would not last forever. and, also knowing that i have the choice and the power to choose how i respond to it – not that i always choose rightly.
however, when i do choose rightly, i choose to nurture my soul. i choose to write or bask in the beauty of nature or enjoy a beer with my love and a friend. and i choose to meet you all right here – on my little blogging page. this place is a ray of light shining in the dark for me. this is where i rest, reflect, and awaken to the signs of the universe, to the signs of advent. this time, on meditation mondays, is sacred to me. it is a covenant i have made with all of you – though you did not know it until right now. it is a promise to return every monday during the last 6 weeks of 2014 so that i can write and think and be and learn and grow. this is a place where my darkness fades, and the light shines.
now, i have a challenge for you, friends. a challenge to journey with me for the next 5 mondays as we go inward (dec. 8 + 15), reflecting on who we are + the darkness in our life, and as we then, turn and go out (dec. 22 + 29 and jan 5), discovering ways that we are called to live life true to ourselves + become the light that pierces the dark.
may you not be afraid of the dark, because you are not alone. i am here. we are here together.
Things can sometimes get overwhelming, but you are so fortunate not to have to deal with it alone; you + lovely Lina are the A-team!!! Here’s to light through the darkness! xx
You are so right, Mel! And I give thanks for her every single day. 🙂 Your handsome man is a pretty amazing gift in your life too, I’d assume. xoxo
I’ve been having those dark advent feelings too — as if I ought to be doing something, but am not sure what exactly it is or how to gather enough energy to move toward it. I know those feelings will pass, though…
They will pass, yes. But, the darkness just feels so heavy. Light to you… xo
[…] you believe that it was FIVE weeks ago that we began advent, that dark, dark winter journey? i was really into the darkness… partly […]