life

on any given sunday you can find me…

20 Nov 2011

happy sunday morning.

oh, how my sunday mornings changed over the years. there always seems to be a routine, but that routine has varied and transformed over the years, depending on where i lived and what i did.

almost always it has involved going to church in some form or another. but, there have been times that i have stayed away as well… longing to grab on to a full weekend (2 days to do what i want, instead of only 1).

why did i go to church in the past i wonder? as a teenager, because i wanted to. i could see my boyfriend & my friends. and it was a place i felt accepted & not so freakishly different from the crowd i was surrounded by in high school. in college, church wasn’t something i did on sunday very often. but, i lived my religion/spirituality throughout my entire college experience (a direct result of attending a university connected to a church – and a great decision, too. so much of who i am as an individual was formed during that time) in various ways. then, i skipped church some. couldn’t find a home. wanted to enjoy my weekends since i began working like a real adult.

and eventually, i ended up working in a church. almost 8 years of work & church every sunday. while i longed to be able to take long weekend trips, i loved my job too, so getting up at 5:30 am & arriving at the church at 7 am wasn’t bad at all. i was so inspired & loving it (for the most part).

then, when i moved to denmark, i went to church every other week or so on sundays. but, i was in the church almost every day, talking, chatting, drinking coffee, singing, writing. it was fantastic – connecting with the people.

back home in the states again, i took a break from the church. no working there. no worshipping there. i just didn’t feel it. (i realize as i am writing this, that i am not doing this justice. there is so much more to write about these church experiences). and i needed to be spiritual outside of organized religion. i needed and wanted to have sundays to myself. i needed to rediscover myself, instead of continuing a life of doing what was expected. for, while i enjoyed most of my time in church in sundays, deep down i felt that i had to go. it was my duty to be there. so, i needed time to explore a little bit of who i was, and how i could be used. i needed to open my box a little. and i felt guilty for that. but i did it anyway.

and here, i am today. working in a church again (very part-time. only 10 hours a week). and today it’s sunday. i’m preparing to get myself ready & go take care of business. but, right now, all i want to do is write. i feel inspired & i wanna use this feeling to work on my book some. why? why does this feeling come precisely when i have to leave? perhaps going to work will inspire me some more… i’m trying to be positive. perhaps i will come home this afternoon & have a different perspective. i hope this feeling lasts. please, please, please let me feel inspired to write when i get home in a few hours!

the battle inside myself rages on. i belong here. i belong there. i am used here. i am used there… church or no church? people or time alone?

perhaps instead of trying to figure out where i should be, i should not try to be anywhere else except where i am right now. in this moment. and in the next moment, i will be exactly where i am supposed to be. living in the now. that is how to live life. to stop always wishing you were somewhere else, but instead, accepting & loving & giving exactly where you are. that is being free & being used. i also realize, as i reread what i have written that every time i have written the word “church” i am actually thinking of all of the people i have been in contact with, met, and who have touched my life through the church. so, it’s actually not church which i am talking about. it’s people. and theologically, that is exactly what it is supposed to be important. people. not a building.

ok. up off my ass. i’ve written some. and now, it’s time to move on to what comes next in my day. these moments have been beautiful & calming for me. but, the ones to come have something to offer too.

yes, my sundays have changed over the years and yet, remained the same too. but, one thing that they have always offered me is inspiration. whether in church, camping in the woods, walking around downtown asheville with my love, hanging out on the dock at my parents’ house, staying cozy in my apartment, having coffee at a cafe, traveling, working, sleeping, talking, writing, being. no matter where i am, no matter what my sunday may look like… i am sure to find something inspiring.

peace.

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