a procrastinating post.

possibilities.

i have some things that i need to be doing right now. and blogging is not one of them. but, i don’t want to do those other things. i want to blog. i need to blog. and listen to bluegrass music while blogging. yep. that’s what i want. so that’s what i’m doing. but, the guilt is driving me crazy. i know, it would be easier to just get my work done first, but i’m not in the mood. so, i’m gonna suffer through my guilt and immerse myself in the middle of these words around me, both written and sung. perhaps i will then feel more ready to tackle the more boring, stressful things looming in my mind.

i can’t stop thinking about one thing these days… traveling. i have been doing so much lately (and that is awesome), but it just leaves me wanting to travel more and more. and with each passing day i am also realizing more and more my passion for photography, writing, and travel. and i want to combine all three of these things together and make money doing it (just enough money to live. i don’t mean that i want to be rich & famous). but how? i am an “anything is possible” person, but i don’t know how to do this. i really want my work to be my passion; and my passion to be my work. and nothing is more important to me in life than my family and my writing; and all i want is to travel with lina, photograph what i see, meet people, explore new cultures, and then reflect & write about our experiences. i don’t need to live an expensive, luxurious life. i just need the basics: a camera, paper, pen, my computer, a place to sleep, food, places to volunteer, a way to get plane/bus/train tickets so i can get around, time, and my love.

i’ve dreamed about getting an rv, packing up lina & zola, and driving across the united states for a year or so. stopping for a month or 2 in different places, working, volunteering, writing. or perhaps doing the same thing, but in europe. or spending time in africa. or going to an ashram in india. i want to go places, meet people, and leave my footprints all around the world. oh… but how?

i think that there are some people who think that i am crazy. fine. or selfish. fine. but, i can’t help these things that make me feel alive. that make my soul sing. that make me feel like i am using my gifts to inspire and make a difference. i know i am dreaming of a life that is not typical. but, not much about me has ever been that typical. it’s just that once i began to live how i feel, i can’t go back. once upon a time i settled and hoped for the best. but, i realized i was dreaming my life away. so, i took matters into my own hands and began to tap into my dreams… to not just dream them, but to live them. and now that i have lived like that, i can’t go back. i won’t go back.

i realize that i should be grateful for what i have, where i live, and how i live. and i am. i love my cozy, amazing apartment in downtown norrköping, sweden. i realize that to some i may seem restless. so be it. this is just who i am. i live for adventure, for change. i live in seasons, piling one experience upon the other. i live for the journey and not the destination. i understand that there is something new, something beautiful, something exciting in every second… even in something as simple as going to the grocery store. every day is an adventure. every moment, a gift.

i’m not saying that i want to move or leave where i am. i am just saying that my soul is talking to me right now, and i’m trying to listen. i’m trying to be faithful to myself and find my little space in this world. perhaps these thoughts are partly because of the unsettled nature of my professional life right now. yes, i have a part-time internship, which i love! and i have a part-time job in a church, which is teaching me so much about myself. but, i have no idea how long these things will last for me. what will happen when they are over in the spring? what comes next? yes. the question of the future is rolling around in my head. being an international, same-sex couple also forces us to think long-term on almost a daily basis. but, i am definitely one who knows/believes that “all shall be well” (a favorite quote of mine from St. Julian of Norwich). all will be well, and all will be exactly as it is meant to be. but, that’s not to say that i don’t have an active role in the decisions in make in my life; for the idea of predestination is not one of my beliefs. free will allows me to search my soul and to actively seek ways to be faithful to who i have been created to be.

all that said, i know that i must live in the now. focus on the present, but still dream about and hope in the future. it’s a crazy, funky balance. and i have so much amazingness in the present, and so many dreams for the future.

so, i have successfully accomplished procrastinating as long as i can. it’s time to pull myself back into this tuesday afternoon in my apartment so i can focus on the tasks that need to be done today. but, thank you, dear blog, for allowing me the time & the space to spill my thoughts, dreams, confusions, joys, and questions onto your blank space on my computer screen. and thank you even more for granting me some moments of clarity & focus. for, unless i know who i am  and spend some time with myself, reflecting, praying, listening, & dreaming, then i am no longer effective as an instrument of peace & love…

 and ultimately, that is all i want to be.

peace, love, understanding, & rainbows.