oh, my dear readers, this just might be the week from hell.
on top of the whole “holy week” focus on death thing, so many other things have been happening as well. my love’s fierce battle with her sickness. fixing everything regarding the cancelled trip to china. the emotional and physical exhaustion of dealing with a death in the family and everything that goes with being part of the funeral (which was yesterday). tons of house guests (funeral and not funeral-related) – which have been amazing, but still, something that is out of the ordinary. making sure we alert all of the practical places about our upcoming move (phone company, apartment landlord, etc). everything has to be communicated 3 months before we move out, which is now. it’s still cold & wintery in sweden – though today might have been a sign that spring will come one day. oh yeah, and work.
i feel as if i’m having an out of body experience. my love & i are on autopilot right now. perhaps just going through the motions. and i think we’ll stay that way until sunday at some point. and then, i’m off. since i’d already planned on taking 2 weeks vacation, i am just gonna stay home next week. rest. go shopping. write. do what i want. we’ll see what i do about my second week of vacation…. but i’m not gonna concern myself with that until next week. i must say, though, it feels amazing to know that next week i am free. perhaps i’ll take a day retreat by myself.
for now, it’s just time to push on through. i’m working pretty much all day tomorrow. the depressing death of jesus day. but, a day that i believe must be faced. christian or not, a believer or not, i think that it’s a day that symbolizes the human struggle between light and dark. fear and courage. disappointment and hope. violence and peace. injustice and equality. death and life. these are all part of the human condition. and i believe that we must be willing to stare our tough times in the eye. we can’t just run away. because all that’s tough and painful, will always follow us. it is part of life. instead, we must go through it all. deal with it. suck it up. let it be as it is. embrace the pain… and know that something will come from it.
that’s the thing i’ve been thinking about this week as everything seems to feel heavier & heavier in my heart and soul. in a way that perhaps i have never known before, i know tonight as i write this, from deep within, that this heaviness, this pain, this suffering ends with transformation.
the power of easter is that from death comes life. from darkness comes light. from pain & suffering we are transformed. we grow. we change. and that, my friends, is good news. it’s great news. the suffering is gonna exist. but, we can let it change & transform us unto better versions of ourselves. or we can become victims. stuck in a cycle of pain & disappointment, never really experiencing the joy of being alive. through the transformation, we become better at being who we are. i become a better me. you become a better you. but, we can’t run away from the dark times. the dark times, the burning fire, the time spent stuck and trapped, transforms us and our lives. and soon, we realize that we feel more alive than we ever thought possible.
yes, this week has been hell. but, without it, i would not know the joy of life. i would not be reminded, once again, that life is precious. that i must say & do the things that i want to say & do before i lose the chance. that disappointment makes me stronger. that struggles inspire & challenge me. that the pain of this week will make me a better person. i may not know how, i may not understand everything now, but one day it will all make sense. you see, without confronting and embracing death & suffering, i cannot be transformed into a person who understands the fleeting nature of life is so that i can truly be alive.
so, dear ones, i say this to you, but mostly to me: keep holding on.
death is coming for now; but life, a life that is inspiring and amazing and whole, is coming after. you & i were made for this. we were made to live life to the fullest. we are more than strong enough to face death and pain and suffering head on, and to dance through life anyway. we were made to be exactly who we are, and to use our lives for good.
Know that you’re not alone on auto-pilot. Suddenly I have three part time jobs and I work all of them in the next two days. So sunday will be my day of rest, too. Can’t wait! lol! Glad to be making money though.
Anyway, once again your words are healing and calming to my soul. Keeping you and Lina in my thoughts during this dark period.
whoa. three?! wow. you are determined to do what you have to right now in order to chase your dreams later on. that’s amazing! enjoy your sunday when it arrives! and thank you so very much for saying the things you say. it means so much!
So beautiful. I know I have said this before, you are a writer, that much is certain.
Good and healing thoughts to you both.
oh kate, that is so very kind of you to say. you know it means so much to me. peace and love to you & yours.
Both of you are in my thoughts and prayers. I just wanted to stop in and say hi – I hope that we can get together when you move back stateside for that beer! Have a good and healing weekend and vacation. Sounds exactly what’s needed.
thanks for saying hey, lanie! i am most definitely planning for us to find a way to get together. how much fun would that be?! thank you so very much. i plan to enjoy my week as much as i can!
hope you and your love are doing well. 🙂
Autopilot is a safety mechanism, and often very, very useful.
Sorry to hear things are so tough right now–when they get better, as they will, it will be that much sweeter.
Sending good energy your way.
so true. on both accounts… autopilot and the sweetness at the end of the pain. 🙂 thank you for your positive vibes. 🙂 xo
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