standing in the the doorway of no regrets.

everything feels a little different now. i guess it’s because the secret is out. and everything is real.

really real.

we are so freaking excited about uprooting our life here in sweden, and moving to the city we love in the states. we’ve begun the house-hunting process, though it’s mind-boggling-ly frustrating to do it online. still, it feels so amazing to think about moving, to start over (yet again!), face new adventures, follow our dreams – and live in the city we adore.

i am so excited for my love… for her fight & determination to make this happen and for the joy that i see bursting from her soul when she begins planning and organizing for this new chapter in her life. i am so excited for myself too… for what the future holds for me. i cannot see the journey ahead, what is waiting for me or what the road looks  like. i can only feel it. and it feels so right. i know that i will be pursuing my dream as well. the dream of writing & photographing on a regular basis. i know nothing about how that will work out, but i trust the process.

if there is one thing i have learned, it is that life’s journey cannot be planned. the details at least. dreams can be chased & realized, but how things work themselves out are never revealed beforehand. they must simply be lived.

so, yes. we are overjoyed and longing to return to asheville. woo hoo!

but, there is another side to that “follow your dreams” coin… the side of saying goodbye.

however, in order to begin again, we must close the current chapter we are in. moving on means leaving behind. something i personally know all to much about. and yet, i continue to do it. why? because i want to grow. i want to live. i want to feel alive. i want to learn. staying in one place (for me; and i am only speaking for myself) does not allow me to grow and experience life to the fullest. i stay the same in some way. and i was born to be a nomad. a pilgrim. a wanderer. so, in order to be faithful to myself, i must live my life in seasons. i must keep moving, or at least always be aware of where i am in life, and whether it’s time to move on or not.

but, in order to do that, i have become someone who says goodbye. well, not actually goodbye, but “see you later”. i don’t so much leave things & close the door behind me, never to crack it open again. instead, i move through the door and down the hall to the next one. but, the doors behind me remain open. they are a part of me. i take every place i’ve been, every person i’ve met, with me as i walk on.

so, right now, my love & i are standing in the threshold of our present door. not quite ready to walk through and leave it behind us, but knowing that we are, nevertheless on our way out. it feels exciting. breathless. and tragic all at the same time.

leaving our life here in sweden behind is difficult to imagine. it hurts my soul to imagine closing the door to our downtown 4th floor apartment, never to return. my throat wells up when i think about leaving family & friends & co-workers behind. i fear that i will lose my ability to speak swedish. and there are countless numbers of other little details about living in europe that i will miss so very much. like grabbing fresh bread from the bakery one block away at 8:30 on a saturday morning. or walking everywhere. or taking trains when i travel from city to city.

yes, it’s hard to stand in the threshold of a door. it’s scary and overwhelmingly exciting. but, i’ve done this before. i’ve said “see you later” to my home country, my family & friends & co-workers before. i’ve walked through that door to begin a new chapter in my life, and you know what? it was so worth it. it may be tough to do, but moving on, when you know it’s right, is the most amazing thing you can do. it adds so much to your life, so much you might otherwise miss out on. the uncertainty is worth it.

if i hadn’t moved on 3 years ago, i never would have learned swedish; or more importantly had the opportunity to truly meet myself, and become more secure & sure of who i am. i never would have grown into who i am now, knowing so much more about my soul than i did before i crossed through that door 3 years ago.

right now, as we stand in the doorway, lina & i are hearing tons of comments about our decision to move on. some are unconditionally supportive. some are excited for us. some are jealous. some are overjoyed (american people). and some are supportive, but more focused on what they want for us (= for us to stay). it’s tough to take in all of the comments sometimes because we have all sorts of emotions of our own bubbling to the surface: excitement, fear, guilt, joy, sadness… but, it feels indescribable to experience & hear people say how much they will miss us and/or how excited they will be to be near us again. we are deeply, deeply touched by everyone.

but, move on, we must. it is time. well, not yet, actually. we have 5 months left of soaking up every little thing about sweden that we can! and we also have those 5 months to plan & celebrate the move to the states! it’s gonna be a balancing act, but one we are up for. one that we know that we are blessed to have.

the other day, i read SWBVR’s blog post about the changes & plans that she’s facing in her life, and she ended her post with a fabulous sentence. i have now decided to let it be my mantra for the next 5 months. so, enough of the complaining that i’m scared, or uncertain, or sad. i’m just gonna take out every little negative thought in my head and replace it with the thought i am in the middle of something amazing right now here in sweden, and i’m on the way to something amazing as well. then, i appreciate where i am right now, and i understand the joy & excitement that also lies ahead. thanks, SRBVR, for summing up exactly how i feel.

I suppose the time is right to move on, when you spend every day dreaming about what might be, but are still in love with what you have.  Exit on a high. ~ SWBVR

peace & love.