the week that i took control // 45

you must be sick of hearing about the craziness that is my life right now. i’m checking in only once a week, only managing to squeeze out one blog post a week, and even then each post seems to be the same thing over + over again.

things are heavy. tough stuff reigns. and i am tired. it feels like things are on repeat.

what i want is to feel like myself again. to feel inspired. to have energy. to feel a bit more uplifted than i do. to not just make it through from minute to minute, but to feel excited and motivated and rested. and i want to feel like i want write and blog and read.

this week i even let my morning meditation time go. i needed every single bit of sleep that i could get. so, i gave myself permission to wake up an hour later than usual + then scrambled to get to work on time. was it the right thing to do? i don’t know. perhaps. perhaps not.

in any case, as “bad” as it sounds, i am doing ok. truly. why? because i am in control.

i am deciding from day to day how i need to be. what i need to do. taking care of myself. feeling what i feel. bouncing between feeling grounded + stable and numb. sometimes feeling like i am just going through the motions, but sometimes that’s how it goes. so, i am consciously choosing not to “do” all of those things that i love to do because i do not feel like it is right to do them right now.

what i am tired of, is that this is how it is. but, i know that life is sometimes like this. and all i can do is to keep on keeping on.

you see, i haven’t lost hope. i don’t feel depressed. but i do feel sad and hopeful and exhausted and ok and stuck and peaceful and many more things… all at the same time. and, while i’d rather avoid this season in life, i know that it is part of life. these seasons, these phases… they come + go.

and all i can do is to make sure that i take care of myself, that i listen to what i need in each and every moment. so, if i don’t feel like meditation is right for me right now, or blogging is something that i can do right now, then that’s ok. i’m not pressuring myself. while at the same time, i continue to challenge myself to stay mindful. to read the signs and to be how i need to be.

all of this to say… i am learning a great deal about living in the moment in a whole different way that i have lived before. living in the moment when the moment doesn’t feel so great is actually the same as living in the moment when it’s a fabulous, exciting moment.

what i coming to understand is that this is the only way to live.

it is only possible to choose how to live right here, right now. sometimes that feels like bliss. and sometimes that feels like hell. most of the time, though, it is something in between. but, the present moment… it is a gift. it is all we have. and it is what we have complete control of – each one of us.

whether it is how to react to a shitty outcome to a shitty election, a death in the family, sickness + uncertainty, exhaustion, boredom, frustration, disappointment, fear, or anything else… i recognize that i have complete control over how i deal with things. but, only one moment at a time. should i decide to focus on what might happen in a few days or a few years, or what has happened in the past, then i lose my power. and i freak out.

but, should i choose to focus on how i feel right now, what is happening right now, and i what i need right this very moment, then i take back my power. i empower myself. and i can choose what i want to do or not do. i can breathe for a second, listen to my soul, and intentionally decide how to be, respond, and act.

so, i consciously choose, right now, to allow myself to feel… without falling into despair. and in the next moment, i consciously choose to listen to my intuition, to trust my soul, and to keep letting life unfold. i do not cower and run and hide. i face it all. because i have all of the power within me to face any- and everything.

and so do you, my friends.

xoxo. liz.