some days our journeys feel exciting + adventurous – like a road trip on a summer’s day. windows rolled down. music blaring. a feeling of compete freedom.
other days, though, our journey, still adventurous + exciting, feels long and dark. the uncertainty doesn’ feel quite as freeing and liberating.
right now I am feeling the second journey. love the season of lent and all that it symbolizes to me. as i mentioned the other day, these 40 days before easter are celebrated in the christian church as a very quiet, reflective, dark time. it is a time of pondering life + death, humanity + callings, temptations + wilderness. ultimately, to me, it is a time every year to go deep within. to really take a look at my life, to hear what my soul is saying to me, and the see if how i want to live my life is actually how i am living it.
these 40 days, this season of lent, should we dare to observe it (christian or not), is simply a time to embrace the life that we have been called to, the life that we want to create. it’s a long journey on a deserted road or an untraveled path, all alone. not really seeking anything, just walking. and listening. letting our soul speak to us. hearing + seeing + feeling things that come from deep within us.
anytime we are on a long, dark, lonely road, it’s a bit tough. and scary. anytime we find ourselves in the wilderness in our own, it’s a bit frightening. and we’re insecure. and exhausted from what feels like a constant fight, an endless struggle.
but, it the long, dark road is also very enlightening, life-changing, empowering. because of the long, dark road we become better people.
right now, i am treading down a dark road in my life. it’s only dark because i don’t know how it turns out, i don’t know what lies ahead. but, i really do trust the journey. i trust the process. and i am doing my best to allow myself a little bit of time to stop to rest along the way. there has to be balance so that i don’t burn out or turn around.
currently, my love and i are quite desperately seeking a new home. still in uppsala, but a new apartment. we just found out 2 weeks ago that we have to move in one month. so, it’s game on right now.
i am trying oh so hard to stay calm. i am trying to breathe and not get attached to anything, for fear of it not working out. but, just as we feel like something amazing is possible, our hopes are dashed.
i can feel that i am not approaching this process as i do other things, but i don’t know how else to approach it. it’s a bloody fight to try to get an apartment in this city. and we can’t just sit and wait for the universe to deliver something. we have to actively pursue any lead we get. this decision + process does not lend it self to being a mindful task. so, i feel so off-balance with it. i don’t know how to bring anymore mindfulness + awareness to our search. i think we’ve done a good job of looking, finding something, pursuing it, and then moving on when it hasn’t worked out. we have been very trusting of the universe, knowing that it will end up just as it should in the end.
but, i’m not perfect. and it’s wearing thin on me now. in fact, all of february is getting on my nerves actually. this month is not at all how i envisioned it would be. i’m not losing my brave. i’m just feeling disheartened exhaustion.
so, for this lenten season, i carry this image of a long, dark road with me. and i also think of it as the deep, dark forest that i mentioned in monday’s post on being brave. i embrace that this is how it is right now. that this is part of my journey. that life is filled with all kinds of moments + phases. and, i am inspired by the incredible timing of this wandering that my love and i are experiencing right now, in the middle of lent, the season that remembers the 40 days of jesus wandering in the desert, fighting off his own demons and dealing with his own battles. the symbolism gives me great comfort and it pushes me onward – the lining up of these two journeys of wandering kinda blows my mind.
so, i know that if i travel slowly + intentionally, if i listen to my soul, if i take my time + stay aware, if i trust my intuition and trust the process, then i will be fine. and, more importantly, i will find the courage and bravery and energy that i need to keep on walking.
You are going down a dark road
And you find yourself alone
And you are seeing things
You never saw before
But the loneliness will leave you
And you find yourself at home
Then suddenly the world
Is knocking at your door
The darkness covers you sometimes
The road is long but it always unwinds
And I find if you take your time
You will make it fine