hi y’all. i want to blog. desperately. but, i don’t know what to blog about. yes, my life is all new again living here in asheville. yes, it’s extremely exciting and all that. yes, i am so happy about being here that i can hardly contain myself, and i am grateful beyond belief, but i’m stuck. or uninspired. and yet, crazily inspired at the same time.
i don’t know. perhaps it’s a little bit of a post didn’t-get-the-job-i-didn’t-want-anyway and don’t-know-what-i’m-gonna-do kinda blues. perhaps it’s the the-move-is-now-over-and real-life-begins-again anxiety. it’s like post-move depression. we worked intensely on preparing to move for the 3 months before we moved, but actually, the process began about a year ago. so, some sort of this-is-now-over-let-down is surely normal. right? oh geez. i’m such an ex-pat trying to readjust.
on top of the adjustment issues, i have this job issue. i have a bunch of ideas. but i need a plan of action. that’s what i’m not so good at. the action part. i’m great with the big picture, the vision, the mission, the theory, the ideas. the feelings, and intuition. i’m crap when it comes to executing all of the ideas, plans, and visions. where do i begin? what to i do first? how do i make things happen?
in the past, things usually just happen or come to me. but, right now, i feel pressure to go out and hunt. or to make things happen, instead of waiting. and that is not my forte. and it looks like i won’t be teaching anytime soon. and i certainly will not be working in a church. so… hmm. i have to get creative. which is fine, since i’ve got ideas out the wazoo. but, i don’t know how to whittle all those amazing ideas down to making things happen.
for example, this book that i want to write. i have not figured out how to just sit down and write. it just comes when it comes. and when it does, it flows and i know that i am experiencing something amazing and everything is just as it should be. problem is, it only comes every now and then. when the stars are aligned or something. and no book, or anything else is gonna get written by waiting for the gods to send me a message.
the thing is, i’ve never actually tried to force myself to sit down and write. every. single. stinking. day. so, who knows? i could do it (?). it could actually work for me… or what if i took this blog and created a book from it? that would be cool. something on my swedish years. but, i don’t know where to begin (not literally, duh. of course i would begin with moving here. but, then there’s a whole background story as to how i wound up in sweden. do i write that? ugh.). i don’t know how to begin. what would my theme be? what would be the purpose of me putting this out? just a daily record? or inspirational thoughts? or a whole freaking memoir. there are so many ways to go. so many freaking options. this, of course, goes for my book idea as well. better yet, is my book idea and this “the sweden years” idea one in the same? or two different writings?
do i begin with my divorce 5 years ago? or earlier? with my relationship with lina? with my move to denmark? sweden? where do i begin? who is my audience? what am i trying to say? i can’t figure it out, people. and all that rolling around in my head right now makes it impossible for me to even blog.
of course the answer is just to begin. somewhere.
but, let’s look at the bright side of things.
at least now… finally… i know exactly what i want to do, who i want to be, how i want to live: write. photograph. reflect. talk. travel. and write some more. i know what makes my soul sing & dance. i know how my gifts can be used. i just don’t know where to use them or how to get someone else to want them as part of their team. journalism is an idea, perhaps. even though i have no formal training. a PhD, perhaps, is another option. so, my vision is as clear as glass. how to make it happen. not so much.
ok. i have rambled on enough tonight. tomorrow is a new day, a new opportunity. the thing is, i know that this is a huge turning point in my life right now, and a chance to make some big transitions in my professional life. i just wish there was a road map or a guide to help me along the way. i’m overwhelmed by all of the opportunities fighting for my attention. i don’t know which one to choose, and i’m scared i’m just gonna grab onto whatever comes along next, out of desperation to have a job. when, right now, i am certain is the time to make some pretty huge changes. to follow through with my dreams and make them happen. for real.
and then, i’m right back to where i started. sitting here with a pretty amazing vision, yet overwhelmed by how to make it happen.
hmm.. before i moved to denmark (2 years before sweden), i made some pretty crazy decisions, had some pretty out there visions & dreams & ideas, but i made them happen anyway. how did i do it? well, i just did it. literally. resigned from my job. sold my stuff. and did it.
if i did it back then, without all of the life knowledge and experiences that i have under my belt now, then certainly i can do it again. in fact, i just did it again. same story. resigned my job. sold my stuff. and moved to asheville. however, i am not the same person i was the first time i did this back when i moved to denmark. then, i had no idea what i wanted. now i do. i’m so much more sure… of everything. and settled & whole. in my soul. with my love.
ok. that’s it. tomorrow i’m making a big, long-ass list. and then i’m gonna whittle it down to the most important priorities. and then, i’m gonna search for places/people to contact in asheville. i’m hitting the pavement. and, dammit, i’m gonna make my dream a reality. come what may.
because, come what may, i know my soul. and i am certain that all will be well with my soul, as long as i trust. have faith. and stay attached.
You are on your way, girl! Xox
Thank you for pepping me up! xx
don’t be afraid of getting stuck in something that’s not 100% right from the off. sometimes, make decisions that are right, in the right now, and you can change… you know that! I was a bit worried last year, after changing job, just for 4 months, before the cafe opportunity came along. you change readily when opportunities present! it just has to be almost right at the time – and check no long contract times / notice periods, and you’ll be grand!
and the writing book confusions… only you can answer that but I’m sure a lot of us would read!
You have been such a great support for me and for this blog over the years, and I am truly thankful for you. Your comments are always fun, thoughtful, and make me smile and think at the same time. THANK YOU for being YOU, Holly. xx
Holly has a good point. Life is not always about finding what is exactly right, but it IS important to find something that does not contradict who you are and what you believe in. Be open to the spirit and be willing to be used, and an opportunity to use your gifts and talents will become apparent to you. You know that life is the journey, not just the destination. And give yourself the luxury of a little time! Finding the right opportunity will happen in the right time,not necessarily when you want it to happen.
Barb, thank you for faithfully following my journey and for leaving comments of advice and understanding. I look forward to the day that we meet in person!
Trust and faith are key — like trusting the process when I write. I don’t always start knowing what I’m going to write, but, when I trust in the process, the words appear…. 🙂
And yes, you are on your way — even writing your post today probably helped clarify where you’re at — and knowing where you’re at, you have a place to begin!
Whoo Hooo! Look at you go! 🙂
Oh, Louise, what an inspiration you are, and how thankful I am for your comments and thoughts. You radiate peace and strength. I will seek to trust… xx
Excuse me for saying this but…. I’ve never seen this side of you! You sound like ME! I feel the exact same way, except I’m not nearly as patient as you are of the “waiting” process but I never know where to start or what to start with, and that leads to frustration.
I can’t wait to see the aftereffects of this mood you’re in. 🙂 I’m sure it’s going to be fantastic!
Hehe! I love that you are “freaking out” at this crazy side of me. 🙂 I never claimed to be at peace all the time. Most of it, but not all of it. Haha. The patience and trusting comes more and more with age & time… but I still have a ways to go.
Here’s to being true to our moods! xx
[…] i had a mini-meltdown yesterday. and, as i suspected, today i feel much better. i suppose i just needed to get that all out. i […]
we all have an advice on how to get to where you need to be. However, your inner fight is the best thing ever. Why? because you have it, yo just don’t know where to start and how to get organized. Imagine if your head was empty, no ideas at all.
I will just outline a possibility as I do not know how your roll.
– Right down all your ideas and organize them in categories – must have and nice to have.
– Then right down all potential jobs that you can or would be willing to do.
– Then from all those pick 5.
– Compare them , think what speaks to you the most and then pick three out of those 5.
– and then compare chosen 3 and see if you can eliminate one or even two. But maybe you can focus and pursue all three at a time. You can also see if your other list of must haves and nice to haves corelate
– then think what you need to do to get started (call, research, send resume, stop by, etc.)
– and go for one of them.
what i am trying to say is, maybe you can afford not to work for a months or so and can get things tackled one at a time. Maybe job is a nice to have and not a must have right now. If you do have to have some income, then either go for something you really want or get a job at a local coffee shop till you can figure out what you want to do.
Your support and ideas are always so appreciated and helpful. Thank you for reminding me to always focus on simply being me. You have given me much to consider and ponder, and more than that, said things that I have been thinking, which gives me a sense of calm. THANK YOU! xx