Peanut, you will never be forgotten 🤍

I want to tell you about our little Peanut. That’s the reason I’ve been away for a while.

Lina + I started a journey started about two years ago. There were many visits to the hospital, tests to take, conversations to have, and a bunch of excitement. There were several bumps and roller coaster rides along the way, of course; but, in the beginning of November, it seemed to have worked!!! November 17 came + the test was positive! WE WERE PREGNANT 🤍 We were excited beyond words and immediately in love with our little Peanut.

Then the adventure of being pregnant started. Lina felt nauseous from the beginning and ended up spending a little more than 3 months in bed or on the sofa (in some ways the pandemic “helped” us since she could work from home then). But, that meant that I had to take care of everything – from serving Lina the little she could eat, to cleaning the apartment, doing all the laundry, and going to work. I couldn’t even touch her because the touch/movement would make her feel even more puke-y. It was a pretty intense time, to say the least. But, the excitement kept us going. Peanut, our “working name” for the baby, was absolutely worth everything. 🤍

January 19th, 2021
Mid January came and we had another ultrasound scheduled to check on Peanut. Unfortunately, during this ultrasound we found out that everything didn’t quite look ok. We got the worst possible results… with a 50/50 percent chance that Peanut wasn’t going to be healthy. The stats were 1:2. One out of 2 babies would be healthy. A 50/50 chance. Not good odds. We were devastated and we started to live in this weird fog of worries. Would Peanut be ok or not?

The hospital booked us for an amniocentesis just a couple of days later and I was finally allowed to be present and see Peanut for the first time. Lina had already been blessed to see Peanut two times at that point (week 8 and 13). It was amazing to see the little one and I couldn’t hold back my tears of joy + fear. We were both super nervous about the tests were facing, but Lina did an amazing job and we had a fantastic specialist taking care of us.

The test results were going to be reported to us by phone, no matter the result – positive or negative, 2-3 days later (but it was Friday so we had to wait an additional two days). Those waiting days were some of the toughest days. Wondering if Peanut was ok or not. We couldn’t think of anything else, and yet we tried to be present and just wait it out. Because, what else could we really do?

January 26th, 2021
I stayed home from work, not knowing if we would get the results on this day or not. But, it just felt right to be together. At 1:18PM the phone rang. It was bad news. Peanut had chromosomal abnormalities and with that there would most certainly be several other complications.

We were now pregnant in week 14 and had entered the second trimester. It was exactly the time (or actually a week before that) that we had planned to announce our pregnancy. It was exactly the time that we had planned to start buying a few things in order to prep for Peanut’s arrival (July 28th, 2021 🤍). But, instead of celebrating + announcing, now we were faced with the decision to end the pregnancy or to go through with it and hope that the baby would be healthy enough to live. What we did know, though, was that Peanut already had some serious health issues. We were in complete shock for days. All of it surreal + crushing. So, we sat with it and just let all of our feelings + thoughts flow for a few days.

February 1st, 2021
We scheduled another appointment with a doctor to discuss further options, information and questions. Lina had contact with a counselor (who we are now seeing together), and then after meeting with a specialist, we decided for Peanut’s sake and for our own, that the best option was to end the pregnancy. It was the hardest decision we have ever made and we were devastated. This wasn’t the way we wanted this journey to end. Our dreams were crushed.

February 3rd, 2021
While we’ve been through some tough days, I can say that these days have, by far, been the worst days in our lives. When you’ve come this far in the pregnancy (about to enter week 16), then you have to give birth. The difference is that you don’t get to go home with your baby…

We checked into the hospital. Lina was bad ass. I did my best to be calming + strong. We were terrified + devastated, but, we did it all. Together. We were able to see + hold you, little Peanut, and you were so beautiful in your own little way. And then we said goodbye.

Even though just a short time has passed + we are now deep in our grief, we wanted to share this story to honor our beloved Peanut, our girl who we had several names planned for, and who we were expecting to meet in July this coming summer. Peanut, you will never be forgotten. We love you and we dug deep into our souls to do what we thought was the best for you and for us. 🤍

With great and forever love, 
Mamma Lina & Mommy Liz

16 thoughts on “Peanut, you will never be forgotten 🤍

  1. Dearest Liz and Lina,
    I am so deeply sorry for your loss. This is devastating. I hope you can find the strength to bear this grief, and to make it through it. You are mothers already, and you did what mothers do: what’s best for your child, even if it’s breaking your heart. May you find peace knowing that you did the best for her.
    All my love, Miriam

    1. My dear Miriam… thank you so much for your love and words. It truly brings us both deep peace and comfort right now. Love to you. xo

  2. Oh, my dear Ones, I’m so very sorry for the heartbreak and tears. I’m glad, though, that you got to experience the joys of Peanut’s too-brief existence. Please know that there is love coming from across the globe to you.

    1. We are so grateful for the short time we were all together. And we can feel Peanut’s sweet gifts even now. Thank you for your love + energy, dear friend. xo

  3. Oh Liz….I’m at a loss for words. This is heart breaking. May Peanut rest in peace and may you find comfort in each others arms. Sending you love from Ireland. xx

  4. Dear friend! Sending you both love and prayers of grace and healing. Hold fast to each other as you work through this devastating time. Holding you both in my heart!

  5. ((HUGS)) such grief. Thank you for sharing. I lost Charlie at 17 weeks. I miscarried at home and held him ..a minature being… Until I was at the hospital. Heartbreak. Wow… This is the first time I have shared that in years….tears. The emotion washes through…like an enormous wave. I let it. I am a wave rider. Life= joy + suffering.

    1. Dear Sarah, I am speechless. So humbled by your comment and deeply touched that you dared to share your unspeakable loss with me/us. We are riding the waves too. Feelings the waters of grief + hope wash over us, one after another. Sending you so much peace and feeling so much gratitude to have your presence on this page. xo

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