The only way out is to go through: My Corona Diaries

I feel like I’ve lived a year in a week. And the only way I can document it is to go through it day by day. It’s just so much to process. And it’s all just so all over the place. The highest of highs + the lowers of lows. Walking, struggling, crying, celebrating, enjoying, fearing, stressing, breathing my way through it all. Allowing the swings + waves of moods + emotions to come. Like I said, a week that feels like it’s been one long year.

First off… it’s holy week. Not something I celebrate in the traditional way. But, a week that holds a special place in my spiritual soul because its rituals + ceremonies still speak to me. And, the fact that Holy Week, the “hardest, toughest” week of the Christian faith, coincides with this deep, dark pandemic that the globe is experiencing is just so mystical to me. It is as if the cosmos, the universe, the divine, is offering us one symbolic meaning after another. The timing of it all is indescribable.

The wandering of Jesus in the wilderness, his betrayal, conviction, and crucifixion, + ultimate rising of love from death itself have so much truth to offer us right now. As we wander in our global wilderness, feel the isolation of living solitary lives, experience literal or figurative death, and feel the depths of despair… we also know that this will end one day. And, on the other side, something new will rise from the darkness.

But, in the meantime, we must go through this. We are going through this. And it is up to each one of us, in these dark moments, to choose how we will go through this horrible thing. Even in the face of fear + anxiety, will we go through it with our heart wide open, or will we succumb to the despair? Because, honestly, if there is one thing that this week has shown me… this is life. The up + down + good + bad + duality of it all. All of it exists all at once. Life. Death. And life through death. It is not punishment, but the condition of human life. It is what nature teaches us season after season, full moon after full moon, sunrise after sunrise. We cannot experience spring + summer without going through autumn + winter. We cannot have a full moon without having a new moon. We cannot have a sunrise without sunset the evening before. We cannot be transformed, changed, inspired without having gone through all of the experiences of life.

And in all of our pain, through these difficulties + hard times, we can + will find connection and communion with others. Even in isolation. We will be bound by love. We will be united in our solidarity, even from our own homes. Because we are experiencing this together. It is our brokenness that binds us.

So, on the other side of this pandemic, as it is with Holy Week, we will be transformed. Life will begin again. But, it will begin anew. Because we have gone through it… we will rise + embody a whole new way of living. With a new perspective and new priorities.

But only if we choose to go through it with an open heart. Riding the waves. Feeling it all, Trusting the unfolding. Staying connected. Loving from our homes.

Now, for my own sake, I need to document the days of this week. This wilderness week that was filled with personal highs + lows.

Monday: My only day of work this week, sunshine, the start of a week’s staycation

Tuesday: Time for another doctor’s visit at the reproductive clinic!

Lina had a procedure + I didn’t get to follow along because of the Coronavirus, which was super hard for both us honestly. Dinner on the way home. An evening walk + recuperation. Healing vibes.

Wednesday: An intense day. I cried. A lot.

My aunt passed away after 3 years of fighting cancer. She was such a young, sweet lady – and I hate being so far away from family now. Bernie Sanders quit his campaign. Death tolls kept rising. I took a long walk in my neighborhood. A full moon invited us to find balance in the midst of it all. What if we just accepted where we are – and blessed it? There is even beauty + medicine in days like these.

Maundy Thursday: sunshine, wind, home, walks, reflections alone in the dark, the last supper

Good Friday: spring cleaning, local beer, backyard evening moments

Holy Saturday: Solitude, silence, my grandma’s tablecloth, Easter dinner

You guys, I won’t lie. It’s been tough this week. And at the same freaking time it’s been so beautiful. I am experiencing the full range of emotions day after day. And, yet, I’m not losing my mind. I still feel stable + grounded + anchored. I owe that to my stubborn intention to stay present, to feel it all, and to trust in the process + cycle of life. I know, deep in my soul, that in order to fully live, I must fully experience. I must go through this.

Life is the story of the unknown. But, it is also and invitation to go through the wreckage, the suffering, and the wilderness so that the divine can be made manifest in us. It invites us to stay open + committed + centered through it all. The darkness does not need to be eradicate, but lived into. This wilderness, this pain + difficulty + death + uncertainty is the portal + the gateway to an awakened, authentic, embodied, soulful living.

The invitation is offered to each of us. And on this Holy Saturday, perhaps we can set aside a little bit of silence + solitude to anchor + center ourselves. On this day between death + rising, it is the perfect tme to wonder how we want to be part of this divine mystery of life. How will we use out lives, our unique selves, to offer love back to the world. The same love that sustains + connects us through the highs + the lows. How can we contribute to the universe’s unfolding, the universe’s own evolving to greater love?

Are we willing to go through this? And, if we are, are we seeking to dig deep, center ourselves, anchor our souls, ground our being so that we can go through it all – with our hearts wide open?

This year, it feels like the whole world has an opportunity to sink into a little silence + solitude due to the pandemic + stay at home restrictions/recommendations. Perhaps that’s one of the silver linings with everything that’s going on… If we choose to stay home + be present, then this time of isolation + fear + unknown can be transformed into something else. Something new is waiting to be born. But, first, we need the silence + solitude of Saturday before the rebirth + rising of Easter Sunday. 

Love + health + wild magic to you all. xoxo. liz.