corona diaries

The restless nothingness of 9 weeks of working at home: My Corona Diaries

22 May 2020

I think it’s getting to me now. Working from home for two months. Still, I love being home. Like, I really do love it. And, yet, there is definitely a restless energy swirling in my body. I am ready for a change in routine. Or perhaps it’s just a 9 week itch. Perhaps it’s the perfect little tough time that was destined to show up.

Now, I realize my insane privilege in this entire post. Well, in all of my documentation of my experiences during the pandemic. I want you to know up front that I am fully aware of the fact that I have been healthy, not on lockdown, have a stable job that continues even in the midst of all of this, and have been able to choose to stay home + socially distance as much as want/need. And that fact that I even have a cozy little home from which I can work makes me much more privileged than many.

So, all that I write is with the highest regard for others’ situations… ones that are hundreds of times more challenging + difficult than mine.At the same time, whatever anyone is experiencing is absolutely valid. All of our stories count. And, it is always my intent to simply share my journey – for my own documentation + in the hopes that someone, somewhere might find a kindred spirit, a similar thought, or a bit of inspiration in any word or image I share here.

So, back to last week. Oh yeah… it’s Friday today, I was off yesterday + I’m off today (holidays in Sweden), so after 3 fully-packed workdays this week, I’ve got a 4 day weekend. And that feels glorious! But, right now, I’m writing about last week… playing catch up still.

So, yes, Last week. The weather was shitty. May is usually one of , if not the, most beautiful months of the year in Sweden. Not this year. It’s not warm at all. And in any given day we have all sorts of weather. Hail, rain, sun, wind, snow. If it’s sunny, then it lasts for about 30 minutes. The rain is off and on, but enough that you can’t assume that it’s over. And then there’s the random hail + snow. For real. Day after day. needless to say, it’s not inspiring + the fact that it’s May and not warm makes me feel restless + irritated. And, yet, I do my best to get out in the backyard and feel the earth a little once a day. It’s my desperate attempt to try to stay grounded + anchored… knowing that nature gives me such a deeper perspective.

Honestly, this past week, I didn’t feel any deeper connections to much of anything down in my soul. I just didn’t feel inspired. I wasn’t even inspired to take part in those rituals in which I generally find so much grounding energy. Every morning I woke early, as usual. Made my coffee. And sat by the window. A couple of mornings I scribbled in my journal. But, mostly, I just stared outside the window. Knowing that in a little while, I’d need to set up my work space right there + begin my work day. I just felt nothing. Still, I was calm + at peace. Taking it one simple moment at a time. Letting it flow. Feeling what I feel. But, honestly, missing that sense of inspiration + deeper meaning. Still, just breathing. In + out. Slowly, deeply. Letting it all be what it will be. Reminding myself over + over again that even these uninspired days + weeks are all part of the process, all part of the cycle.

It’s not that I’ve felt bad. Just, as I said before, restless. Bored. Stuck. Tired. Speaking of tired… how can one be so tired from all of this? I mean, physically, I need to sleep. Tired. I suppose the uncertainty + instability + stress of the past two months across the entire world is exhausting. So, I suppose it’s not that strange that we (and I am assuming right now that I am not alone) find ourselves needing more rest + sleep than we expect.

Living through a pandemic is tough. Varying degrees of tough based on who we are + where we are + our own experiences. Nevertheless, I am certain that we are all struggling in one way or another with something. Be it small or large, according to others, it doesn’t matter. In fact, it pointless to compare. Each of our experiences are valid + true.

The tough thing for me this past week has been the restlessness + exhaustion that has left me feeling uninspired + disconnected from my soul. Like I’m just going through the motions of my day to day activities + responsibilities. Yet, I know that this is how it is right now, this week. I am fully aware that, in a few days, things will change + I will “feel” a sense of inspiration again.

So, I do the only thing I can do. Show up.

Even if I don’t feel it, I continue to embody my soul. I continue to be open to the energy that is around me + I continue to choose what kind of energy I put out there. It doesn’t mean that I am always perfect, or choose correctly, or sometimes just react without thinking. But, I do always return to my breath so that I can refocus, gain a deeper or higher perspective, and rethink how I can show up – for the sake of my soul + for the others who are in my life.

And, about the restless exhaustion. I have released the guilt of resting. If I feel I need to work from my bed, I do it. If I am so tired that I need to go to bed early, I do it. If my intuition whispers to me to go outside in the backyard for just a moment at 10:30 pm, I try hard to listen + follow through. If it feels like a good idea to set my alarm for 45 minutes more sleep in the morning, then I do it.

The point is, I listen to my body, my soul, my intuition. Or I am learning to. More + more. Perhaps the silence of the pandemic, the being stuck at home more, the loss of inspiration, the restless exhaustion all are helping me to slow the fuck down. I mean, I’ve already committed to living a slow life – and I live a slow life. But, all of this craziness in the world + working from home for 9 weeks has stripped away even more. Life has become even more simple + slow. And that just may be how I can learn to listen to my intuition even more. Guiding me towards an even deeper, more intuitive way of living.

It might just be that this restless, exhausted phase is just the turning point that I need. A lesson in trusting how to show up + listen. – no matter how I feel.

So, yes. It was a weird feeling week… and unsettling to feel so restless + exhausted all at the same time. But, showing up day by day, moment by moment, and trusting the unfolding of the process – even when all I feel is nothingness… well, that’s the way to deal with it all, I think. One small moment + breath at a time.

How are you doing out there? Have you hit any kind of wild, restless feeling yet? How are you coping?

xoxo. liz.

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