i’m hoping to find something at the end of the rainbow today, since it’s st. patrick’s day. i’m hoping that the luck of the irish will shower down on me and at the end of the rainbow i will find what i’m looking for… inspiration. though, I’m not really sure if inspiration is what i’m looking for actually. but, i do feel like i’m searching, seeking something. there is an unsettledness in my soul. one that leaves me feeling like i want to blog, i want to write, i want to be social, i want to live life, i want to do lots of things… but i can’t. i’m paralyzed. something is empty. i’m kinda numb. this is so not like me.
i realize that i’ve been experiencing my time in the desert right now. appropriate, i guess since it’s lent. and probably a side effect of being sick & at home for the past few days/week. too much time to think. alone with my thoughts. it’s a good thing to have – time to yourself, but it’s hard. you come face to face with yourself. your demons. your dreams – both realized & unrealized. so, i suppose this blog post, which is marking the end of my little hibernation (well, i did actually leave the house yesterday for a cozy fika) is the culmination of my little dry period. (please let it be the end of my little dry period). i don’t want to stay here in the desert any longer. it’s lonely. and uninspiring. i am forcing my way out and back into real life… does it work like that? can i do that?
anyway. it’s st. patrick’s day. and i’m taking that as a good sign. a sign of luck. a sign of living life, of leaving my thoughts behind, of breaking free. tonight i’m gonna be a part of/lead a music cafe (sort of open-mike nite. no i’m not singing or doing anything musical.) at the church where i work. it’s gonna be a night filled with great company, great music, and great inspiration. plus, afterwards, lina & i have decided to go grab a guiness at a local pub where they will be celebrating all things irish. so, things are looking up.
still, i can’t knock this feeling of… something. restlessness. homesick-ness. being overwhelmed. all of the above? i don’t know. feels like i need an adventure. a trip. we’ve gotta get on with planning our trip to paris in may. only 2 months left!
in the meantime, the challenge i have is to look at the joy that is all around me. the opportunities (scary as they may be) of each day, the tiny little buds that are appearing in very random places, promising me that spring & sun will return. the beauty of my love looking from behind her computer and across the table at me. that smile. that connection we feel. lina is my main inspiration right now.
i am reminded this morning that it is not about the promises to come, but rather the life that is. and, even in the desert there is beauty. true, there is a desire to see what lies at the end of the rainbow, or what’s on the other side of the rainbow. to get out of the present, uncomfortable moment and into one that is more suitable & enjoyable. but, the more that i think about it, the more that i realize that what lies at the end of the rainbow is nothing more than the present moment. besides, if all i care about is getting to the pot of gold, then i miss the beauty of the rainbow all along the way. it’s about the journey, not the destination. right?
of all people who should have wanted to get out of their present situation, st. patrick was one of them. kidnapped at 16. sold into slavery to the irish. and then escaped & returned home to wales. he had much to be pissed about. but, after decided to work in the church, he also found himself feeling a calling to go back to ireland to walk among the irish people. what?! return? certainly it was not his first choice of where to go. but, he did. and he served there faithfully, bringing with him the amazing belief that if we meet people where they are, as they are, instead of trying to get them to change into what/who we think they should be, then we can more effectively spread love to everyone we meet.
patrick didn’t avoid the situations in his life. he didn’t search for the pot of gold, always waiting for what came next. he used the moments in his life as they came. and he lived them to the fullest, faithful to who he was called to be.
last fall i had the amazing joy of visiting ireland (and our good friends) for the first time… and i loved it!! talk about living in the moment & enjoying life as it happens… those 3 days were full of life. so, in honor of the irish – those fun-loving, jovial, life-living people on the island of green, i pledge to do the same on this day. and i pledge only for today, for those are the moments that matter.
who cares what’s at the end of the rainbow?! just look how beautiful the rainbow actually is.
sláinte! (cheers! in irish.) peace.