i’m a libra. not that i’m into astrology. but, i know what sign i am, and i’ve read a few times in life the “characteristics” of a libra. and it sounds exactly like me.
- mellow. lovers of beauty and harmony. diplomatic. optimistic. emotional. empathetic. idealistic. desire unity. artistic. fair.
- impatience of criticism. frivolous. escapist. impatient with routine. can be seen as lazy by others. are sometimes elitist in their thoughts (though they may not show it). inconsistent.
one thing i seem to be chasing throughout my life is balance – a classic libra trait. i’m desperately seeking for things to be balanced and harmonious within myself & my life. but, i don’t think i’m totally successful in achieving that balance and harmony. it may look like i’m all balanced and peaceful on the outside, but inside i am always shifting from being too busy & forgetting about taking time to breathe, to breathing and being so much that i forget to live. it’s a vicious cycle. and i overanalyze it too much, i think. hence, this blog post. hehe.
on the other hand, it’s not that i just seek to be balanced, i actually feel better, more like myself, when i live life as my soul longs for me to live.
right now i am working full-time, which means that i am tired. and drained. and, while the work i am doing is something that is meaningful and requires me to reflect, write, and just be (things that are right up my alley & help me stay balanced), there is something that keeps me from writing the things that are in my soul. let me explain… i want to write my book. i want to write on my blog and be creative, but i just can’t seem to get it done when i am busy with work – even when it’s work that i enjoy. in the evenings, i just want to veg out and then go to sleep. in the mornings (when i work in the afternoon/evenings), i am not motivated.
of course i have to work, because i have not yet published my best-selling memoir yet (positive thinking!). but, how do i get my book written or my blog to grow to the point where i can make money through it and hold down a job at the same time? sounds like a stupid question, i think. plenty of people do it. but, i can’t seem to figure it out. and if there’s one thing i’ve learned about myself while living here in sweden, it is that i am meant to write. and mentor. and now i am determined to do just that. i just can’t figure out how.
another thing about me is that i am not a go-getter. just being honest. i need discipline and routine and deadlines in order to get things done. but i crave free-spiritedness and carefree days. i need both order and spontaneity. i am dreaming of the day when my work is to write, meet people, and create. i imagine a little cabin in the woods, or a little room in my apartment, or a small office space in a downtown loft. a place i go to every day. to do all my writing, photographing, meeting, and philosophizing. then, i can create my own disciplined schedule. right now, my days are completely different from one another. and that is truly a gift. never boring. and i’m not complaining about the freedom that i have with my current schedule. but, it’s not so great for someone who is not self-disciplined. gaaahh. what a crazy conundrum.
so, i know i’m thinking a lot about future things right now, what i wish i could do, how i wish i could live. and i need to focus on today. right now. creating the life that i want right here where i am. in the midst of the beautiful life that i have been given. figuring out how to work and write. how to breathe & pull away, and how to stay engaged & involved. ’cause so far i’ve not been good at that. at least that’s how i feel today.
i need to find the balance. or i need to feel balanced.
the thing is, i think i require more alone time, more down time, more time to breathe, more yoga, more nature, more time in my head and with my fingers clicking on a keyboard than i have. or perhaps i have it, but i require more than other people. or perhaps i’m just bad at doing it. i am an introvert. a quiet, thinking, being kind of person. i crave time at home & with my family. i enjoy being with a few friends. i love coffee chats and cozy evenings at home. at the same time, i love to travel and experience new things. and do you know what? even though i know and accept these things about myself, even though i know from deep within that living my life in a slow, contemplative, determined, alternative, artistic, spiritual way makes me a better person (and therefore better for others & for the world), i still find myself feeling guilt at times. guilty for not being like others. and yet, satisfied that i am exactly who i am.
so, my question to all of you is…
how do you do it? how do you writers find the time to write and work? am i really that undisciplined and unmotivated? am i a poor writer before i even begin? i doubt myself because i think, if i really wanted it, then i would make time to do it. all the time. what’s wrong with me? and how do i achieve the balance that i am so desperately looking for? how do you stay balanced?
any advice would be so greatly appreciated. ’cause i trust and appreciate y’all.