you may think that my hit-and-miss blogging is due to the fact that i am super busy, and in some ways i am. you may think it has to do with all of the holiday stuff that is underway as well, but i really am taking time to slow down and savor this holiday in ways that i usually find difficult. this year, though, it all feels natural. or you may think that my mostly photo posts arise from my inability/non-desire to write, and you’d be somewhat right.
but what i really think is going on is that i am simply living life.
you know, i’ve been thinking and chatting with some different people in my life lately about this whole living life thing. i’ve spent a little time reflecting being alone, but not as much as i usually do. and, you know what? that doesn’t bother me. i used to feel guilty or stressed or ungrounded whenever i wasn’t writing all the time or reflecting all the time. and i suppose that i still have some of those feelings too. but, more than that, i feel at peace. like i’m sailing along right now. simply living and enjoying my moments as they come. there are no big things out there that i feel stressed out that i need to do in order to be truly happy. because, to tell you the truth, right now i am truly happy. like contented and peaceful in perhaps a way i have never been before.
i’ve thought some about my blog’s name: be. love. live. and what i’ve come up with is that when i thought of that name, i envisioned what that kind of life would look like – being, loving, and living. i think it became a set of goals for me, without me even specifically thinking that i was going to work on being, loving, and living. however, guess what has happened? i have done just that.
moving to the states has given me the time and distance to see that i have moved through my life since i was 33 in these 3 stages of being, loving, and living. and, as i said before, i never planned it that way. but, looking back now, i can see that is exactly what has happened…
i spent a very specific time in my life learning how to just be: to stop focusing on what i needed to do and instead, focusing on who i am. learning how to accept and simply be who i am created to be. exploring myself. my hopes, my dreams, my goals. the things that kept me from being truly me. it was quite a long period of getting to know myself, but it was a part of my journey so rich with deep, soulful connections. of learning to listen to my voice, to my soul.
and then, somehow, i naturally passed from that stage to the stage of loving. of course, i carried my sense of simply being along with me, but the focus shifted to learning about love: how to love and how to be loved. i now call my 3 years in sweden my loving period. it was the first three years of being married to my amazing wife. it was a time of learning how to love myself – the person i had gotten to know the years before, but in a much deeper way now that i was living in a foreign country. it was a time of learning what i means to love someone unconditional and to let go of control as i watched my wife almost die. it was 3 years of devoting my life to helping her on her journey back to health. however, that unconditional love was showered onto me as well. lina never stopped loving me, never gave up on me or herself. on top of that, she challenged me to learn how to put myself first – whether it was just stating my opinion on something or making sure that i was connected to things that nurture my soul.
for a while she was my main priority. and then, when i lost all sense of control and she was taken from me and placed in the hospital, i had to learn how to love and live on my own. i had to learn to care for myself and trust in the process of her recovery. we hated being apart from each other, but all of these “sick” years have also made our love much stronger and deeper.
and then, we made the crazy, life-changing decision to move to the states, back to our beloved asheville. it was literally a decision made in one quick moment that took about 9 months to make happen. but, we did it. and we knew all along the way as we prepared that this was right – 100% right. our souls had been whispering it to us for a while, and we followed those whispers and have now embarked on this next part of our journey in life.
being back in asheville has been heaven, though we both greatly miss people & things in sweden. still, we know we are fulfilling our destiny for right now. and by moving here the universe has just continued to open up more and more to both of us.
it is in the midst of all of this, that i began to see this pattern of living out my own being, loving, and living. it was during this autumn in asheville that i began to realize that i am embarking on a completely new chapter in my life, that things are transitioning and transforming, that i have learned so much about myself throughout the past 6 years of being and loving, and now… now, it’s time to live.
and without making any conscious decisions, i did just that. i began taking bigger risks, living as authentically as possible. but more than anything, just fucking enjoying every little moment. literally. back in january, i dubbed 2013 as my free-spirited year, and boy, have i lived that promise to myself!
so, i haven’t made time for writing. i haven’t needed to. i didn’t need to reflect or figure out anything. i didn’t need to analyze or overanalyze. i didn’t need to focus on sickness and death. i didn’t need to be all caught up with deep thoughts in my head.
what i needed was to do was live. i needed to laugh, drink beer, reconnect with my family, chase crazy dreams, eat dinner out, celebrate, sit on my balcony, take road trips, meet new people, hang out with old friends, and stop thinking. you get what i mean, right? of course, i still thought and reflected and wondered. of course, i nurtured my solitude by meditation and alone-time. but, instead of living such an inner-focused life, it was time to push my introverted-self to be extroverted, social, and just… free-spirited.
again, i did not actually decide any of these things, it all just unfolded this way. and it has only been in the past few weeks that i have realized these patterns. but, what a gift it has been to make these connections, to realize how life has built on itself. that being led to loving, which then led to living. all of these three phases in life have not come and gone, but have spiral upwards so that now that i understand living, i understand it only because first i spent years just being me, and then learning to love as i was being. now, all three exist in my life – and these phases have prepared me for what comes next.
and you know what? i think i know what my next step is. well, let me explain that. i have no specific plans and i don’t know how anything looks at all. in fact, i have no idea what’s around the corner. but, what i do know is that it is time to take my dreams to the next level. how? no clue. but, i don’t need to know. it will unfold. the thing that i know that i need to get busy doing is disciplining myself. of course, i am still the world’s worst procrastinator and non-disciplined person. it’s time i have a schedule. make myself more available so that i can read the signs and be aware what the universe is offering me next.
one thing i have learned over time is that the best decisions are not the ones that are made when writing out a pros and cons list, but made in a crazy, spontaneous, completely risk-filled moment. of course after that decision, there may be a need (or there will be a need) to buckle down and make things happen… a time to take action. but, the decision happens like a leap of faith.
so, i am beginning my preparations for 2014. beginning to dream and vision and wait for a word to come to me. through the lens of beings, loving, and living, i am waiting to receive whatever the world has to offer me. and i am ready to get to work on this next phase in life – to incorporate be.love.live. into my life in a very concrete and real way.
i’ve wondered if all of this means that belovelive.com is coming to an end… but, no! after considering it, my gut is telling me that i am only now beginning to embody the belovelive vision for my life. those three words, which i understood when i put them together 3 years ago, have now become my way of life. so, it is just now that i am living my vision fully. there’s much more to blog about on this blog. besides. belovelive… that’s who i am. that’s the life that i seek to live.
and i cannot wait to see what that next phase looks like.