why i am not afraid of the dark

In the beginning of October, I wrote a little about moving forward after some intense changes in my life. You can read that post –> here.

Here’s a summary:

1. I began my Sat Nam Rasayan training (a form of kundalini yoga healing meditation).
2. I got a job! Had three intense weeks of training, and worked my first shift by myself!
3. My love went from working full time to being in treatment for her eating disorder full time. Read more about her journey on her blog –> here.
4. I turned 41!
5. Autumn came: my favorite season of the year.

What hadn’t happened yet was the beginning of my year long training course to be certified as an international life coach. That happened a few days after the post that I linked above. Read all about that experience –> here.

So, things were intense. A lot happened. Pretty much. No need to define anything as good or bad, I think. Because it all just is – and it is both. Right?

And I just now realize that I’m overwhelmed. Or something. Last week, after my training weekend, I was very blah and home most of the time, as yesterday’s post mentions. I now understand that it was a necessary week of letting things just sink in. I didn’t think about them really. I didn’t meditate on them or process them. I just absorbed them I suppose.

And now that everything has kind of settled, after all of the life changes + all of the crazy things happening in nature (autumn, supermoons, eclipses), I am finding myself in the dark. *DO NOT read that I am sad or depressed or anything like that. I don’t feel like that. But, I do feel heavy. And like I’m in the dark. That’s the best way to describe it.

However, I also realize that this is exactly what happens after all of the dust settles. Suddenly, everything is not in transition anymore. Suddenly, everything has changed. Life is actually, literally different. And that’s not a bad thing at all. It just is.

But it feels kinda dark.

And, ironically, today it is dark. The moon is missing from the sky. There is a new moon, meaning that we cannot see her, even if she is there. (This photo is from 4 days ago, when the moon was waning = shrinking).

And she is there. Just as I am here. But she can’t be seen.

Sometimes the darkness frightens me a bit. Makes me kind of insecure. And, at the same time, I know with all of my soul that it is ok to be here – in the dark. It is ok to just sit here. To adjust to all of the changes and transitions and intense weeks that have just been.

So, that’s what I am doing. It doesn’t feel great or fun, but it is what it is. And I embrace it as the the present moment.

And in the middle of the darkness, I still find beauty. I find calm, peace, coziness. I even feel warmth, hope, and strength.

In the end of September, I decided (without really thinking about it) that my musical playlist for October would be all about the darkness – living in, accepting, allowing, and embracing the darkness. I had no idea how powerful that theme would be for me throughout this month.

There is a deep shift happening right now. At least for me. I have literally entered a new phase of my journey in life. I have chosen + taken a new path. My love has done the same. So, the energy of change is swirling all around us and in our home right now. Therefore, we seek peace and calm. And, I seek to embrace what is happening. I am ready to allow and accept the changes – because they are amazing changes. Ones that lift us to a higher plane, to a deeper way of living, to a more authentic life.  But, all of these changes don’t happen overnight. And it is always necessary to go through some darkness before the dawn.

You know, the way to live with the darkness, and to not let it consume us, is to simply breathe and center ourselves. To not fight it, but to admit it’s presence.

I usually breathe + center myself through meditation. But for me, meditation is not “working” right now. I can’t concentrate. I don’t feel connected or grounded. Perhaps this is part of the darkness in which I find myself.

But, I meditate anyway. I know that I must do what inspires and touches my soul – what inspires and touches your soul may be something completely different though. So, I wake up in the morning and sit on my rug and light my candles anyway. I go through the motions. Because I know that, even when I don’t feel it, my soul is speaking to me. My soul is grounding me on its own.

The fact that it is literally dark outside, makes it easy to sit in the darkness. And to try to meditate. To embrace the night and the fears and the insecurities and the doubts. However, the darkness also envelops me and protects me. It’s not dangerous. It’s just simply part of the process.

In the darkness of the new moon, and the darkness of autumn, and the darkness of those secret corners of our soul, we are called to silence. To accept and allow and balance. Our medicine for this time of darkness is self-love, forgiveness, and an active awareness in knowing that we are creating our best possible selves. That this is all part of the journey.

We can balance rest and activity at the same time. What I mean is that we can quietly sit and relax in the dark, while at the same time actively remain aware, reflecting and being with ourselves. Being is a type of action too, you know. All the while, as we remain open, the energy moves around and within us. The spirit inspires us in all kinds of ways – especially in nature, I believe.

For me, I am still carrying with me the power of the pre-dawn sky from last week and the message of self-love that it brought to me.

Last week, as I woke early, spending an hour or so simply gazing out my window at the sky, watching the sunrise, I felt an urge to let the planet Venus, who was so visible + bold, teach me a bit about loving myself. About embracing the beauty and inspiration that is found in the dark. And about trusting that, even as I embrace my dark side, the light always returns. So, it is possible to find peace and to love myself no matter what.

So, my friends, wherever you are today – literally and figuratively. Whatever you are facing… know that you are not alone. I am sitting in the darkness with you. And, together, we need not be afraid. Together, we can help each other see that beauty and lessons and feelings that the darkness illuminates for us.

Let’s just wrap ourselves up. Light a candle. And just be. If only for today. This time shall pass. So, let’s live fully in the present moment… knowing that dawn will be breaking soon.

onwards + upwards! xoxo

*photos taken last week. in them you can see jupiter, the sliver of the moon, and venus (left to right),