i feel like i’m spinning. but, yet, not spinning out of control.
this past week was cray cray. in pretty amazing ways. but, now that i have had the weekend to kind of let everything settle inside of me, i realize that i’m at a crossroads.
the question is, will i stay grounded + true to myself, or will i get caught up in the craziness of the fast-paced life that lays out in front of me?
i think i tend to be “all or nothing” in some ways. all in just being contemplative, intentional, slow, and at peace. or all in at doing, going, working, focusing, losing a bit of my music soul all along the way.
for someone who craves balance, i am not sure that i do that so well.
so, here’s what happened that rocked my world this past week. (if you follow me on instagram – belovelivephotography – then you already know a little bit).
sat nam rasayan healing training
last monday i started a sat nam rasayan training. it’s a meditation technique out of kundnalini yoga that focuses on healing by being fully present. something that i know i can use in my life/spiritual coaching.
i hopped on the train to stockholm at 7am on monday morning and made my way to södermalm via the metro. i was really early, so i wandered around the streets of my favorite part of the city for a while, just breathing + feeling the anticipation of this big step into my future.
i found my way to the loft apartment that served as our yoga classroom and suddenly was overwhelmed. people kept coming in and they all looked like real yogis. turbans, white clothes, like they’d all been immersed deeply into yoga culture for years.
and there i was. dressed in all black. seriously. black tank. black indian pants. and my mala beads wrapped around my arm. i looked like some evil spirit amongst a bunch of peaceful, healing angels. but, whatever. i embraced my difference. (though i still felt a bit self-conscious).
and then, suddenly, we began. we toned in and got right to meditating. something like 30 minutes of chanting and one hand in the air, the other over my heart. i went back + forth between moments of bliss and moments of freaking out that i literally could not feel my legs, so i wondered if they had just disappeared from my body.
after a brief introduction to sat nam rasayan, we began some training. with partners. one lays down + relaxes. one sites directly beside + meditates. this is actually what we did the entire two days that we were there. it was learning to open up our sensitive space. to focusing on feeling all of our senses and being fully present.
typically, when you think of healing, you think of emptying yourself so that you can focus on the other person. you remove who you are so you can give energy (love, peace, etc.) to someone else. this is not that at all. this form of kundalini healing is all about being so present within yourself that you create a space around you that is stable, open, and fully aware. everything is a part of everything.
it’s an incredible experience to experience everything at once, knowing that my sleeping foot, my itching nose, the garbage truck outside, the gravity holding me down, the touch of my skin on another’s, the smell of coffee all belong in that moment.
i have totally just started this training, and there is so much for me to learn. how to hold that sacred, peaceful space open. but, that’s what my homework is for until we meet again in october. it’s crazy that this whole new way of living + being has just suddenly been opened to me. i am humbled + excited to say the least, feeling that this is just the beginning of a powerful, magical journey.
yes. i caved a little bit the second day + wore a white shirt with my black pants. it was just too weird to be in all black.
so that was monday + tuesday. amazing.
i got a freaking job!
then, wednesday came + this chick had a job interview! my mother-in-law saw an update from someone we know on Facebook announcing that she needed to hire some extra people for her photo boutique in uppsala. so, my mother-in-law sent me a text, and i promptly sent a message to the owner of the boutique. we already knew each other, and have traveled in the same circle/started becoming friends since i moved to uppsala. so, this was no random person, but a connection. a friend.
we planned a meeting for wednesday, and suddenly it was wednesday! so, in the rainy, windy, cold storm i cycled about 15 minutes to the store. i looked around a bit, we sat down for coffee, and chatted for about an hour and a half. so. much. fun. even though i looked like a drowned rat.
by the time i cycled home again in the storm, i had received a message offering me the job + asking if i could begin on monday. oh…hell yeah.
so, today, right now, i’m at work! (a work where i get paid!). no worries, i wrote this over the weekend + scheduled it. i am not blogging from work on my first day. hehe. i’m working for at least 3 days this week, and then we will plan more as the week goes on.
it’s all just so crazy. and perfect timing. and, i get to learn + do stuff related to photography, which you know i love. it also feels good to have something that allows me time to keep doing those things that i continue to do + be in an effort to follow my bliss. actually, this job is just a part of that, which is way better than just getting a job anywhere.
in the meantime, i am also nesting. rearranging some stuff at home. preparing for the autumn. and feeling very emotional. missing asheville and the mountains an insane amount right now. i had no idea that the change of seasons would make me so sensitive + homesick. so, to counteract that, i continue to focus on the present. knowing that i have so much good stuff swirling around me right now.
time to push through + manifest some sh*t
there is much happening, and even more behind the scenes a bit. but, i knew that this was coming. i knew that autumn would bring me to a place of making shit happen. of making everything really real. life doesn’t feel quite so carefree right now. summer is over. but, it feels oh so right.
so, here’s where the shit hits the fan for me. i am really really good at visioning, planning, dreaming, setting up, creating, contemplating. but, when it comes time that all of that hard inner, groundwork has taken hold + is ready to take flight, that’s when i fall apart.
but, this is it. i feel it in my bones. this is the time in my life where i push past that inability to focus and follow through. this is the time when i not only manifest my dreams, but i stay motivated and push forward. i keep on keeping on. this is the time that i stay committed and actually make it through.
it’s as if i’ve gathered all of this energy throughout my whole life, and learned every little thing that i have learned for this moment right now. this moment that takes me through to the next phase of my life. no more running away. no more starting over with dreams. i’m in it to win it. my bliss, that is. it’s time to fight those demons that always pop up and to begin to really let go + surrender.
i just know in my soul that i am on the cusp of something great.
and through it all, i must stay balanced. i must not run back to dreaming again. and i must not forget to dream. i must hold on to that intentional life that i have created.
yes, it’s the perfect time to begin to perfect my ability to stay grounded, focused, motivated, and balanced. life is moving forward. dreams are being fulfilled. tough times are ahead. and moments of peace are too. deep inside me my roots are grounded and i am settling into a new phase. scared + apprehensive? yes. but, more than that, i am empowered + motivated.
happy new week to you! may it be a challenging and beautiful!week